The Magniflan Seven
By Eric "Casca"
Bertish
Blame Hitler. Aside from being a good general
policy, it’s also where the fault for this particular fiasco lies. By fiasco, I
mean “The Archangel of Animals has been bound into a flan and Argentinean
descendants of Nazis are extorting ethereals for control of the world’s money
supply.”
No, really.
The gnomes of Zurich have always had a special place
in Jordi’s heart. True, they are Ethereals and thus technically outside his
province, but they not only found a unique ecosystem to inhabit (they gain
Essence when money is “created”), but as a means of thanks for the shelter he
gave during the Purity Crusade, they will alter certain economic conditions on
his behalf. Switzerland, you see, is Jordi’s experiment: a human culture which
does not wish to expand its territory and lives in balance with its surrounding
environment. It is Jordi’s hope that by studying this nation, he will come to a
greater understanding of humanity and better learn how to alter it on a larger
scale.
Then Hitler came to power, and with World War 2 came
(stolen) Nazi gold, a great deal of which was converted to cash and stored in
Swiss banks. When the Third Reich fell and the surviving Party members
emigrated to Argentina, so did a great many of the gnomes. Their original hope
was to create a splinter colony in South America, and to a lesser degree this
did happen: the ascendance of Caribbean banking concerns is a direct result of
this. However, many gnomes discovered that the weather in sunny Argentina was
far more pleasant than cold, rainy, landlocked Switzerland. I mean, beaches?
‘Nuff said.
Imagine, if you will: a wealthy estate outside
Buenos Aires in the summer. Old Nazis, living under assumed names, sit on the
verandah and watch their Aryan grandchildren frolic in the sunshine. Meanwhile,
in the garden around back, the gnomes formerly of Zurich indulge their newfound
hobby of horticulture... why yes, they enjoy gardening. Cash crops, you see. Do
I really need explain how gardens can grow money?
Alas, they have a weakness: gold, shimmering...
flan. The little guys love it. Practically addicted to it, actually. Okay,
truth be told, they use pretty much all their filthy lucre to buy flan, then
gorge themselves in an orgy of custard and caramel glaze. It’s not pretty.
Worse, one of said gnomes was caught trying to steal
said flan from said old Nazi’s kitchen. Needless to say, this particular Nazi –
one Otto Brinkmann -- was an SS colonel involved in Project: Werewolf. For
those who don’t read Ken Hite, this was the project that attempted to gather
occult paraphernalia to bolster the Reich’s magical might. Naturally, Brinkmann
is an accomplished sorcerer. Using a combination of culinary delight and
Command, he forced the gnome to tell him everything. Everything.
Especially the parts about having access to great flipping wodges of cash.
Summoning the disparate forces of his former cabal,
Brinkmann called together old Werewolf members (or their children) trained in the
Art, and gathered a circle of thirteen sorcerers. Their captive gnome, Lido,
was exorcised from his vessel and now inhabits Brinkmann’s monocle (you knew he
wore a monocle, right?) as a spirit anchor. The plan was pretty basic: using
the monocle, Brinkmann and his cabal would seek out and capture the remaining
Argentinean gnomes. Holding them hostage, the Caribbean gnomes would pay out
huge amounts of untraceable money which would be used to fund the Fourth Reich.
What they never counted on was for the gnomes to
invoke Jordi.
While you can accuse the Nazis of a great many
things (indeed, it’s good policy, as outlined above), you can’t accuse them of
sloppiness. Ignorance, on the other hand…
They’re all classical occultists, you see. Ritual
casting, inscriptions upon the floor, chanting in Enochian whilst walking
widdershins about a thaumaturgical circle. They simply don’t grok that you can
invoke an archangel without all the paraphernalia. Unfortunately, neither do
the gnomes. It’s simply that their idea of paraphernalia happens to be
different from what you, or I, or bread mold would consider logical.
... Yes, they used a flan. THE flan. They pooled
their resources, baked up a storm, and made a four-foot tall dessert. The plan
being that Jordi would like a snack, you see, and most animals like sugar. They
forgot one thing, though: caramelized sugar is sticky. Very sticky. Incredibly
sticky.
Jordi got stuck.
Perhaps in Infernal Intervention occurred somewhere
along the line. Perhaps the gnomes succeeded in creating a gigantic
Force-catcher. No, don’t bother trying to comprehend it, just accept it and
move on: the Archangel Jordi is now stuck inside a four-foot flan, and can use
neither Songs, nor Resonances, nor Attunements to escape. For all intents and
purposes, he is a sentient dessert.
A sentient dessert surrounded by three dozen hungry
gnomes who now chant “Don’t eat the archangel” as a mantra.
Integrating this adventure is easier than you might
imagine. Either wait until a PC says something dangerous like “What’s the worst
that could happen?”, or you get a Divine Intervention that takes you completely
by surprise. When one these occurs, whoosh! The party is sucked up (and, if in
combat, healed and refilled with Essence) and deposited in South America.
Destinians should take this in stride.
If you prefer a more subtle tack, during the course
of an adventure you can gradually expose them to disturbing symbolism: they’re
changing channels when the “Help meeee!” segment of The Fly is on. One
of the bad guys has a poster for The Boys From Brazil in his apartment.
They trip over a (non-ethereal) lawn gnome during a chase, etc. Eventually,
they will put these clues together and start investigating. Oddly, things will
start going their way, as if the Symphony really wanted this to happen.
Destinians should take this in stride.
GM’s who have a sudden urge to play the Magnificent
Seven theme are clearly on the right track, for this adventure is indeed a
Western. Except in South America, which gives you a chance to muddy all the
conventions for cheap laughs. Instead of buckskin, you’ve got alpaca fur.
Llamas instead of steers. And the gauchos – Argentine cowboys, though strictly
speaking they’d be llamaboys – use bolas instead of lariats.
And of course, there are the Nazis, which give you
all sorts of toys and bad cultural metaphors to mix: fast-draw Luger gunfights.
Sauerkraut in strange places. Bitchin’ black trench coats with deaths’ head
insignia on the epaulets.
Schmeissers and bolas, my friend. Schmeissers and
bolas. Malakim of Creation will find a way to work the sauerkraut into the mix
(or, God help us, an alpaca.)
Neat things which should happen:
·
The
PCs come across a village whose inhabitants live in fear of the strangely
perfect nordic-looking children who play in the streets.
·
All
the flan in the village is missing.
·
A
barfight. Or a gunfight. Maybe a gunfight in a bar?
·
An
assault on the heavily-fortified villa down the road turns surprising when the
defenders have military and sorcerous defenses.
·
A
big, sorcerous throwdown with Brinkmann’s cabal and/or their summoned demonic
flunkies.
·
Naturally,
Brinkmann should either escape, or fall victim to a vague and poorly-witnessed
death that “No one could have survived.”
The final scene should come as a surprise to the
players: when they open the doors to the basement, the gnomes have finally lost
their resolve and are about to gorge themselves on flan. At that moment, all
PCs should realize that the flan is, indeed, Jordi. The should also know
(having interrogated the Nazis) that the gnomes are ethereals. PCs who Resonate
the flan Archangel (I can’t believe I just typed that!) know that Jordi doesn’t
want the gnomes harmed. Cue hilarious fight sequence as PCs attempt to subdue
the gnomes before they eat the Archangel, and without slipping into the custard
themselves.
So, now the question remains: How do they un-flan
Jordi?
·
Anyone
who attempts to summon Eli, based on the utter absurdity of the situation,
should in all likelihood succeed automatically. Eli will proceed to turn the
basement into a large-scale Easy Bake Oven which un-cooks the flan, releasing
Jordi. Eli is last seen heading to Buenos Aires in the back seat of VW Beetle
in rally colors whose horn plays “La Cucaracha”.
·
Summoning
their own Archangel will also do the trick, but while this may be more
expedient, the political ramifications may be a great deal larger when Jordi
has to answer uncomfortable questions regarding why he’s sheltering ethereals
and what his plans are for Switzerland.
·
Astute
players will put the flan out for the wildlife to consume. Those animals which
eat it become possessed by the Archangel, who thanks them for their discretion
and reward their valiant efforts. He will also provide mounts for their use.
Cue sunset and credits.