The Gnomes Are Watching You
By Harukami
Novalis hadn't expected the Seraphim Council to
laugh.
She
hadn't expected it for two reasons: First, the majority of them were stuffy and
full of themselves, which is one of the reasons she dressed like a new age
hippy. She'd always thought the day they cracked a smile was the day she'd come
one step closer to her ways being accepted as the right ways.
Secondly, she'd been serious.
There was something, she decided as she sat blinking
in shock, severely off-putting about Dominic bursting into giggles.
Well, at least David wasn't laughing. Even if his eyes did look suspiciously
bright.
Novalis sighed and waited until the gaiety had died
down before repeating herself. "I ask for aid in stemming the threat to Flowers
that is the lawn gnomes."
Snickers started up again. This time, Dominic
managed to control himself and cleared his throat with severity. "Novalis. Please, explain why lawn gnomes are a threat to your Word."
"Well," she began, "it all started
when I was visiting E... ah, a friend of mine on Earth..."
***
Novalis sat in the nice combination restaurant and
art store. It was the only place she knew where Rogue Archangels - one in
particular - hung out, stirring spaghetti with one hand and painting with
another. At least he only rarely got them confused.
And this time, he was making dessert and mixing...
well, what looked like a pan full of sugar.
"So..." he said idly, making small talk as
he held it over a burner. "Kobal's
been antsy lately."
"Antsy?"
"Yeah, he's got his spies watching me."
She blinked. "...Spies?!"
An elbow gestured vaguely towards the window as Eli
tried not to let the pan tip. "See for yourself."
Novalis went over to the window and peered out.
Outside... were seven lawn gnomes. Movement-sensitive, apparently, as they
swiveled to face her, grinning manically, arms raised zombie-like.
She ducked back down. "Lawn gnomes?"
Eli nodded. "Lawn gnomes. Stole the idea from some artist of his. He
likes watching me a lot. Whatever."
He withdrew the pan quickly as the sugar started to caramelize.
"What do you think he's up to?" she asked,
taking her seat a bit uneasily. Dark
Humour watching you was never a good thing.
"Flan," Eli muttered.
She blinked. "What?" she asked, thinking -
hoping - that she'd misheard.
Eli pointed at the pan, in which the sugar was
cracking. "Flan. Really light,
kind of flaky, really sappy, not much to it."
"...I hope you're not trying to describe
me," Novalis said, eyeing him.
She'd heard it too much from the Michaelites.
A laugh as Eli put the pan into another pan, full of
hot water, in the oven. "No, no.
Kobal. I think he's got a crush."
Novalis wondered at the feeling of pure horror that
produced. "Kobal. Has a crush on you."
"Maybe."
"That's not funny."
Eli grinned. "I don't know. It cracks me
up."
She watched him bake for a while and formed words
she didn't say: He's an Impudite. He can't love you. At most he can want you.
At most he'll think it's funny. He can't love you like I do. Can't want to hold
you, protect you, keep you safe forever. Not like I do. He'll just hurt you and that will break my
heart. Every day you're out here, where
you're in danger from both sides, and I can't protect you, no matter how much I
want to; the best I can do is deflect the Judge's attention from you, to have
my Tethers keep their eyes on your Tethers, to do my best to help you and love
you whenever I see you. Please don't do
something stupid because Dark Humour has plans.
She said, "What are you going to do?"
Eli had been working on the flan, apparently not
noticing her silence, and finished putting it in the oven (at three-fifty, she
noticed, but this was Eli baking; it'd be ready when he was). "Oh, I don't know. He'll get tired of it after the humour value
of crushing on me wears off, I think. Besides, look at what he's done."
Unable to repress a slight frown, Novalis nodded.
"And," Eli said, "if he were sincere,
well. That'd be different. But I don't think he is, and I don't wanna see
things all fall apart like..."
"Poorly-baked flan?" she suggested.
He grinned. "Yeah. Not when there's other people who care."
Novalis exhaled.
"I notice those things, Novy," he said,
almost apologetically. "And I appreciate it a lot. You're very good to
me."
It was hard, she found, to raise her eyes from the
floor. However wonderful, however
lovable he was, however much protection he'd needed or wanted or just been
offered, she hadn't planned on this.
"I just want you to be happy," she
said. "I wish you'd take better
care of yourself."
The oven timer went on - for longer than flan should
ever be cooked, she noticed, but this was Eli, after all, and then there
was a counter behind her and an Eli against her.
"I love you too," he said, and grinned
against her.
***
Novalis summarized most of this, of course; it
wouldn't do for Dominic to find out where her absurd Attuned was. Details were dropped, though no lies were
told, and she skipped over the intercourse, as Dominic got a bit stormy and
Laurence was looking... well, scandalized. It was actually rather cute.
"...At any rate, I didn't consider the lawn
gnomes when it happened," she said, and cleared her throat. "We were
on the counter and the, ah, window was right there."
Laurence was sputtering. "I fail to see -"
She sighed. "I walked out of the building and
there were lawn gnomes on every free place on lawns, in parks, wherever.
Newspapers going wild with it. But...
it was killing them. I'd move the lawn gnomes and turn around and
another would take its place. Soon, the grass was dying, flowers squished... so
much pain for them. It's harming the environment, they're destroying all plants
they can. Lawn gnomes have never before
been such a threat to gardens. I fear,
my fellow Archangels, that when you check your cities, you may find that the
lawn gnomes have taken over the fronts of your Tethers, the public parks, the
forests."
There was the silence and the glaze-eyed expressions
of a dozen Superiors sending out manifestations.
"The threat," Novalis added, "may be
bigger than you think."
After a moment, Michael spoke up. His voice was
incredulous. "That's the stupidist attack ever. There's no ...POWER to that. I mean, if we get on it, we'll get rid of
the gnomes in no time - sure, maybe not by ourselves, but with concerted
effort? No force! It's just... silly."
Novalis couldn't quite help a wry smile.
"Yes," she agreed.
"Then... why?"
"Oh, that's easy," Novalis said.
There were uncomprehending expressions all around
and she rolled her eyes, then explained,
"Flaky, stupid, no real weight to it... My
fellow Archangels: This ...is a Flan of Revenge."
Dead silence.
Jordi rippled with the sounds of dogs barking and
rose. "I have a solution."
Eyes turned to him.
"You say - that they are - Tech?"
Jordi growled, canine maw snapping in Novalis' direction.
She shrugged, a bit embarrassed. "They seemed
to be electronic. I don't know if they were Technology, though."
"Huh." Jordi licked himself thoughtfully.
"Electronic works."
Novalis tilted her head. That's the last she
expected to hear from Jordi.
He started to pad out of the room. "I go. Make
it safe for you to be with your mate.
You smell of him."
Novalis turned red. She stammered, then called after
him. "Jordi! What do you plan to
do?"
Jordi snorted and swiveled some eyes back. He
scratched behind twelve ears. Every
part of him was emoting, demanding to know how she couldn't see how obvious
the answer was.
"Water... Electronics not good," he said,
eventually. "...And where there are lawn gnomes..."
He turned and padded out, voice floating back to them. "...there are dogs."