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GOD’S DESIGN FOR SCRIPTURAL ROMANCE – Part 2  (Chapters 2-11)

 

 

 

 

Chapter 6

How to Marry – The Friendship Stage

Nearly every day, in personal, phone or email counseling, a young man, young woman, dad or mom will say something like this to me: I am fully convinced of the error of dating and the blessing of biblical courtship and betrothal. But HOW, specifically, do I go about it? What is God's step-by-step process for bringing about a marriage the biblical way? That very practical question may be on your mind too, particularly after reading all that has been said in the prior chapters. If you have embraced God's principles for romance (Chapter 1), renounced worldly dating (Chapter 2), prepared your children for betrothal (Chapter 3), and understood biblical guidance (Chapter 4), then you are ready to explore the actual practice of biblical courtship and betrothal, the constructing of a godly marriage.


In Jesus' graphic parable of the Two Houses in Matthew 7:24-27, our Lord compares the Christian life with two ways of building a house: one upon shifting sand (man's ways), the other upon solid rock (Christ's ways). Consider how this applies to constructing a marriage through dating versus betrothal. The foolish man built his house upon sand without keeping the future in mind. He never pondered the unfailing truth that seasons change, that the wind and rain will eventually come. And when they burst against that house, it fell, and great was its fall (v. 27). Like a house with a sandy foundation, a relationship that is not founded upon God's five fundamental principles of scriptural romance (piety, patriarchy, purity, preparedness and patience) will often collapse in divorce when the relational storms come - and they always do!

But like the betrothal approach to marriage, the wise man built his house to last a lifetime. He knew that it must weather intense storms. So when the wind and rain burst against that house, it did not fall, for it had been founded upon the rock (v. 25). Two builders: foolish and wise; two foundations: sand and rock; two outcomes: destruction and stability. Christ's analogy applies to marriage just as much as to houses.

Let's compare these two building approaches more closely. Each building system involves four relational steps toward marriage. The worldly way of relationship building includes friendship, dating, engagement and the wedding. We're only too familiar with this. The biblical method likewise begins with friendship, but then moves through courtship and betrothal to finally arrive at the wedding. Though they may look alike on the surface, these two practices of relationship building are really very dissimilar at every point and result in radically different outcomes.

Wordly Relations vs Biblical Relationships

Worldly Relationships                                         Biblical Relationships

 

Friendship             Peer-oriented                                                          Family-oriented

Dating                    For pleasure                                                            Explore for marriage

Engagement          A breakable proposal                                              A binding promise

Wedding                Til divorce/remarry                                                  Til death do us part

 

Notice, for example, that the world's view of youth friendships is peer-oriented whereas the Bible's view is family-oriented, providing oversight and protection by parents. While the world's hormone-driven youth are dating for the purpose of personal pleasure, biblical families are involved in courtship for the purpose of investigating a potential spouse. The world's concept of engagement is a breakable proposal, but biblical betrothal is a binding promise to marry.

At every point God's design for a male/female relationship is more serious and more guarded because God knows how vulnerable the human heart is. He knows that if young people pursue a relationship for self-centered pleasure and without the safeguarding of parents, they will carry into marriage a heart wounded by emotional scars and a conscience defiled by moral impurity. The conclusion, then, of the worldly approach is a wedding that will often lead to divorce, because the marriage is so troubled by past emotional bonds, unrealistic expectations and an appetite for variety and change. On the other hand, the biblical path to matrimony produces a steady and unshakeable union, 'til death do us part.

WHETHER TO MARRY
Surely the preliminary step in addressing the question of HOW to marry is first to determine WHETHER to marry. Should I or shouldn't I? How can I know for sure? The popular feeling-oriented, mystical view of God's will urges us to interpret our outward circumstances and inward impressions. But God's Word urges us to examine the Scriptures, our all-sufficient guide for everything pertaining to life and godliness (Acts 17:11; 2 Pet. 1:3-4). So, what saith the Scriptures?

Christ's only recorded comment on singleness is found in the context of His teaching on divorce in Matthew 19:8-12. In their stunned reply to Jesus' very strict view on divorce and remarriage, His disciples suggested that it would actually be better just to remain single. After all, they reasoned, a man may unwittingly marry a contentious woman who could make life miserable for him (Prov. 21:9). But there was something shortsighted about the disciples' viewpoint. So beginning with the word but in verse 11, Jesus explains and then illustrates how a believer can have the strength not to remarry if he finds himself unbiblically divorced. In short, Jesus taught in this passage that singleness and marriage are both acceptable to God. Marriage is not commanded for anyone; neither is singleness, except for the one who is unbiblically divorced. Now, what Jesus declares here in capsule form is amplified by the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians chapter 7.

Here is the central passage in the Bible on whether or not a Christian should marry. Paul's remarks are made in response to a letter he had received from the believers in Corinth. And heading the list of questions in that letter was their inquiry regarding whether or not a Christian should marry. Paul's answer to this question addresses not only the decision itself but also its consequences. Here's what he says.

The decision itself - to remain single or to marry - is based on one's wise application of God's principles to his own situation. Paul's opening statement, It is good for a man not to touch a woman (a figure of speech for marriage), reveals his personal preference for the single life. Yet Paul recognizes that those who are single are especially vulnerable to temptation (v. 2). Still, neither singleness nor marriage is commanded (v. 6); whether or not to marry is an area of moral freedom, a wisdom decision. On what basis, then, does Paul direct that this morally free decision be made? What are the criteria? In short, Paul goes on in 1 Corinthians 7 to explain three factors to weigh in making a wise decision about whether or not to marry.

THREE FACTORS
First, says Paul, evaluate your marital gift: each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that (v. 7). Paul means here that some are gifted by God to enjoy the opportunities of singleness while others are gifted to enjoy the companionship and responsibilities of marriage. How do you know that you have the gift to remain single? First, it seems, you will have little problem exercising moral self-control. If moral self-control is not readily present, then you probably don't have the gift to remain single. Second, you will not have a yearning desire to share life closely with someone in the fulfillment of your life goals - someone to share your burdens as well as your joys. So evaluate your marital gift: Do you have a gift to be single or a gift to be married?

A second factor to weigh in making a wise decision about whether or not to marry is your current circumstances (v. 26-35). The Corinthian Christians were likely passing through a particularly difficult circumstance, perhaps some persecution or hard times. In a situation like that, Paul recommends the single life in order to avoid needless troubles, to make better use of limited time, to be free from concern for a spouse and to be able to give undistracted attention to the things of the Lord. Other Scriptures may give additional circumstances that would make it wise to postpone marriage, such as the need to fight in a war (Deut. 20:7) or the need to complete one's occupational and financial preparation before marriage (Prov. 24:27).

A third factor to weigh in making a wise decision on whether or not to marry is your life goal. Even if you can be personally satisfied without a wife, your specific life goal may require a suitable helper for dominion or for ministry (Gen. 2:18). In 1 Corinthians 7 we see how marriage provides excellent opportunities for ministry to one's spouse and children (cf. v. 14). But beyond ministry to the family, a man's life goal may best be achieved if he has a wife to aid him in that life goal. So even though Paul might have had a strong preference for his own state of singleness, each man has to choose what is best for himself.

Although we are morally free to choose singleness or marriage based on a wise evaluation of one's marital gift, current circumstances and life goal, once we have done so, we come under the biblical regulations which govern each of these two marital options. That is, we incur certain obligations that go with the territory. For example, 1 Corinthians 7:2 makes it clear that the sole regulation for singleness is to remain morally pure (cf. also vv. 8-9). If you think self-control is going to be a serious problem, then you better not choose singleness.

But the moral regulations governing marriage are many, and regulate our selection for marriage, our selflessness in marriage and our potential separation after marriage. First, of course, is the regulation that a Christian may select only another Christian to marry: she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord (v. 39). Second, Scripture enjoins the believers' responsibility of selflessness once the marriage is in force. For example, Paul promptly informs husbands and wives in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 of their conjugal duties toward each other. Other marital duties are listed in Ephesians 5, such as the husband's duty to love his wife as sacrificially as Christ loved the church, and the wife's duty to respectfully submit to her husband's leadership. Actually the first marital duties were assigned in the Garden of Eden in Genesis 1-2 where the husband and wife were commanded to be partners in dominion (with the husband leading and the wife his helper), as well as partners in fruitfulness, the bearing and rearing of a godly seed. A third area of regulation for marriage pertains to any unbiblical divorce that occurs after a marriage bond is formed: let her remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband (v. 11).

WHOM TO MARRY
The moral regulation just mentioned, to marry only in the Lord (1 Cor. 7:39), raises a few puzzling questions that cannot be ignored. For example, does this mean that, as long as my spouse is a Christian, God doesn't care whom I marry? Should I myself care about whom I marry, or just pick a name out of the proverbial hat (only Christian names, of course)? What about the right man-right woman doctrine?

Some Bible teachers have used the example of Adam and Eve (Gen. 2:21-25) to suggest that, for each person with the gift to marry, God has specially fashioned a spouse who is ideally suited to be his or her mate. And that God will, in His perfect timing, bring these two partners together for the purpose of marriage. This is commonly called the right man-right woman doctrine. Up to this point in the argument, it is an accurate description of God's sovereign guidance. But according to this teaching, it is essential to go one step further by deciphering circumstances, blessings, inner impressions and personal desires in order to discern WHO is the Mr. Right or Miss Right that I am sovereignly intended to marry.

Yet, do we see anything in this passage about Adam or Eve examining their circumstances, blessings, inner impressions or personal desires in the selection of one another for marriage? In reality, what we encounter in this passage is an example of God's non-normative, supernatural guidance whereby Adam and Eve were miraculously brought together as husband and wife. No promise is given in this passage that God will ever repeat this extraordinary event for the rest of the human race. Yes, there are universal principles behind God's activities with Adam and Eve; but none of these principles involve probing our outward circumstances or inner impressions. Instead, they are the five fundamental principles of piety, patriarchy, purity, preparedness and patience which Adam and Eve obeyed under the loving hand of a sovereign God. Adam and Eve both submitted to the patriarchal leadership of their father (God) and maintained purity and piety; as verse 25 explains, they were not ashamed. Furthermore, Adam was fully prepared vocationally as the cultivator of the garden and overseer of the animals. And though Adam took notice that among the animals there was not found a helper suitable for him, there is no evidence whatever that he became impatient. So we find no confirmation in the account of Adam and Eve that circumstances, blessings, inner impressions and personal desires are God's indicators for whom to marry.

A second passage frequently cited in support of the right man-right woman doctrine is Genesis 24, the story of Isaac and Rebekah. You remember, of course, how Abraham, now about 140 years old, took the responsibility of sending his trusted servant, Eliezer, to the city of Nahor in Mesopotamia to seek a wife for his son Isaac from among Abraham's relatives. Upon arrival at his destination, the servant stopped by a well and made his request of God for a miraculous sign (vv. 12-14). Well, before he could even finish praying, Rebekah came to the well and fulfilled this sign completely. The servant then visited her family, Rebekah agreed to become Isaac's wife, and the servant was able to take her back to Canaan - mission accomplished!

Does this passage teach that Christians are to seek detailed guidance beyond the moral will of God? Is this the way we are to identify the specific person we're to supposed to marry? No, as we mentioned in our last article, the experience of Abraham's servant is an example of God's special, supernatural guidance utilizing angelic assistance: God will send His angel before you (v. 7). This was not even the norm for believers in Bible times! Nevertheless, just as with Adam and Eve there are universal principles behind God's activity with Isaac and Rebekah. Here again we notice the five fundamental principles of scriptural romance: piety, patriarchy, purity, preparedness and patience - which each party obeyed under the loving hand of a sovereign God. The fathers took full responsibility, the spouses remained 100 percent pure, the focus was on character rather than beauty, both were spiritually and vocationally ready for marriage, and they were patiently serving God as they trusted Him to work through their parents.

ONLY IN THE LORD
Well, if the accounts of Adam and Eve and Isaac and Rebekah aren't normative for whom to marry, then where do we discover this vital information? As mentioned above, there is one and only one command in Scripture related to this question, namely, that a believer may marry ONLY another believer. In 1 Corinthians 7, it is assumed throughout the entire chapter that Christians should marry only other Christians, especially in verses 12-16 which view mixed marriages as particularly troublesome. But the command is most clearly stated in verse 39 which we read earlier, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. One needs to look only as far as verse 22 of the same chapter to find that the phrase in the Lord means to be a Christian: he who was called in the Lord (i.e., called to be a Christian) while a slave, is the Lord's freedman. Paul stated his case even more directly in 1 Corinthians 9:5, Do we not have the right to take along a believing wife....

Now, the cross reference for 1 Corinthians 7 is 2 Corinthians 6:14-16, Do not be bound together with unbelievers.... The phrase be bound together calls forth a mental image from Deuteronomy 22:10 of an ox and a donkey being harnessed together in a double yoke. That image became crystal clear to me when I was about thirteen years old. My father had taken an early retirement from military service and bought a 220 acre farm in middle Tennessee which came complete with an assortment of old-fashioned, horse drawn equipment that we used the first summer to get in our crops. I was taught by my grandfather how to use this equipment properly and then given the unenviable task of mowing forty acres of hay with a very mismatched team that also came with the farm - I think one was a horse and the other a mule. At any rate, they certainly didn't pull well together; each wanted to go in a different direction which made it nearly impossible to follow a straight path.

That's precisely the picture given here in 2 Corinthians 6. No believer is to be mismatched with an unbeliever because each will be headed in a different direction, making it impossible to follow the straight and narrow path of Christ. The passage then continues with four vivid contrasts to illustrate this point. A believer bound together with an unbeliever is like righteousness with lawlessness, light with darkness, Christ with Satan, and the temple of God with idols. The point is that not only are the believers' values, standards, goals, motivations and methods for living incompatible with those of the unbeliever, they are diametrically opposed to each other! They are serving two different lords who are arch-enemies of one another, just as the Israelites were arch-enemies of the Canaanites whom they were not to marry lest they compromise their holiness (Deut. 7:1-6).

The application of this passage to marriage is obvious. Indeed, marriage is even more than a double yoke, it is a joining together of two individuals into a one flesh relationship. It is the most intimate relationship which two human beings can enter into. So for a Christian to marry a non-Christian is to guarantee that marriage will never accomplish its God-ordained purposes unless the non-Christian becomes saved. Yes, there will still be a witness in that home. And the children will certainly be benefited by the one Christian parent (1 Cor. 7:14). But it will be a house of conflict just as surely as Satan is in conflict with Christ!

This fact has been repeated by so many Christian teachers and writers that nearly every Christian knows it to be true. Yet when push comes to shove, an astounding number of Christian young people disregard this prohibition and marry unbelievers. What might possibly lure our children to rationalize this clear teaching of Scripture or blatantly disobey the revealed will of God?

The answer is called falling in love. You see, Hollywood love is a counterfeit love. It is, in reality, one of the desires of the flesh called sensuality or lust. It pleases self rather than Christ, is desire-driven rather than self-disciplined, and makes decisions based on feelings rather than Scripture. Consequently, when Scripture conflicts with those feelings, Hollywood love will always win the heart of an immature or weak Christian. Why? Because falling in love (lust) is like falling into quicksand - it will pull its captive down with unrelenting passion. All parents have seen this counterfeit love; most have also felt it's strength. Only by carefully following God's five fundamental principles of scriptural romance - piety, patriarchy, purity, preparedness and patience - can we protect our children from its powerful grip.

UNDERSTANDING FRIENDSHIP
With the preliminary questions of WHETHER to marry and WHOM to marry now addressed, we are prepared to turn full-face to the exceedingly practical question of HOW to marry, the step-by-step process for bringing about a biblical marriage.

Since a God-honoring Christian walk is achieved by applying biblical principles to the issues of life, let's inquire how God's five fundamental principles of scriptural romance - piety, patriarchy, purity, preparedness and patience - should be exercised during each of the four relational stages leading to marriage? This application process involves asking the Who, What, When, Where, Why and How questions about each of the five principles as they apply to the four relational periods, beginning with friendship. Subsequent articles will evaluate biblical courtship, betrothal and the wedding.

Friendship may be defined as a cordial relationship of mutual esteem. To understand it's place in marriage preparation, we need to see it in relation to the succeeding three stages. It is interesting that there are four different words for love in the Greek language of the New Testament, and each one parallels one of the four relational periods leading to marriage. For example, the Greek philia, meaning brotherly kindness, corresponds to the friendship stage. Courtship, which is the process of investigating a person with marriage in mind, may be represented by the Greek storge, meaning natural attraction. Betrothal, defined as a binding commitment to marry, corresponds to the Greek agape, God's word for selfless devotion. Finally, the wedding, a ceremony joining a man and woman in marriage, accords with the Greek eros, the term of physical affection. Friendship, courtship, betrothal and wedding advance a young man and woman through the four sequential stages of love to a gratifying and godly marriage.

FOUR STAGES OF MARRIAGE PREPARATION

1. Friendship - philia = brotherly kindness

2. Courtship - storge = natural attraction

3. Betrothal - agape = selfless devotion

4. Wedding - eros = physical affection

As we unfold the step-by-step process for constructing a biblical marriage, we cannot miss the underlying truth of Christ's betrothal to the church as our pattern for scriptural romance (2 Cor. 11:2). If you recall, this was perhaps the most compelling reason for recognizing betrothal as transcultural (Chapter 1). We ought therefore to ask, How was Christ in His youth preparing Himself for His future bride, the church? How did He manage His relationships with God and man. The best summary statement of this is found in Luke 2:51-52 which reports that Jesus continued in subjection to [His parents]...and kept increasing in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man. With Christ as our example, let's now apply God's five fundamental principles of scriptural romance to the friendship stage of marriage preparation (see Chapter 1 for a fuller description of these five principles). And based on Jesus' parable of the houses in Matthew 7, we want to build our marriage like we would build a mansion, even a castle!

APPLYING PIETY
Piety in our friendships refers to our general godliness and righteousness in attitudes and conduct founded upon our personal relationship of faith in Jesus Christ, the Rock and Cornerstone of our life. Therefore, piety begins in us with salvation, hopefully at a very young age. As children, we must then learn to desire Christ's will more than self will. This greater and greater devotion to Christ occurs over time as we grow to understand and appreciate all that He is and all that He has done for us. As we enter the teen years, godly piety calls us to surrender to Jesus Christ this intriguing, new area of relationships with the opposite sex. If Jesus Christ is not Lord over our love life, then He cannot help us build a marriage relationship that will last a lifetime. One author has defined surrender as an extreme act of trust in God. But the more we understand how much God wants to bless us, the easier it is to trust Him with our relationships. If we could somehow take a peek into our Heavenly Father's wise and loving heart, we would readily and completely put our future marriage into His hands.

Yet, like little toddlers, we are inclined to cling to our toys, unwilling to allow our tender-hearted Father to take them from us so that He can give us something much more wonderful and lasting. 1 Corinthians 13:11 reminds us that when we grow up, we must put away childish things, including, says Paul, the childish thinking that our way is better than God's way. Surrendering our relationships to Christ during the friendship stage builds the concrete foundation that will unfailingly support the mansion of our dreams. But such a foundation must be poured early in life for it to cure for strength in the later years. How do you know if you have surrendered your relationships to Christ, young people? Answer these questions:

1. Am I willing, if God so chooses, to remain single, with Christ alone as my spouse?

2. Am I willing, if God so chooses, to be married and to allow Him to do the matchmaking?

3. Am I willing, if God so chooses, to be married and to allow Him to determine the timetable?

Only when you can answer yes to each of these three questions, can you say that you have surrendered your relationships to Christ. Psalm 37:5 encourages our wholehearted commitment with these words: Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will DO IT. Commit yourself to God's five principles of scriptural romance - Dads, Moms, young people - and He...will...DO IT!

APPLYING PATRIARCHY
If surrender to Christ is the concrete foundation for your dream mansion, then a father's patriarchal oversight, protection and provision of a spouse might be symbolized by a mansion's sturdy exterior walls.

Young ladies, are you learning to trust your father to protect you physically, morally and emotionally and to provide a spouse for you with your final approval? This, surely, is one of the most difficult - yet most crucial - of God's principles for marriage preparation. How formidable it can be to entrust this very personal area of life to another human being, even to a loving father. Yet in Scripture we see example after example of godly young men and women trusting their father for oversight, protection and even the provision of a spouse. How did they do this? The key to their trust was in seeing their Heavenly Father working through their earthly father. They believed the principle behind Proverbs 18:22, that he who finds a wife... obtains favor from the Lord. They had a deep and abiding confidence in the sovereignty of God to lovingly and successfully use imperfect earthly fathers to accomplish His will, just as Bethuel told his daughter Rebekah in regard to Isaac, This matter comes from the Lord.... So, young people, the secret to trusting your father is trusting your Heavenly Father to work His principles of scriptural romance through your earthly father.

Now, fathers, in no way does this leave you off the hook. God expects you to be faithful even more so than your children, since you are their example. So during this early friendship stage of preparation for marriage, are you physically, morally and emotionally protecting and providing for your children in such a way that you earn their trust? This is your primary patriarchal task during the friendship stage of relationships. This is the season when you lay the foundation for later years when your children's deepest trust in you will be essential. What can you do now to build your children's confidence?

You can demonstrate your faithfulness in this area by preparing your daughter to be a suitable helper (Gen. 2:18) in the areas of academics, fine arts, life skills and spiritual life, praying for her and with her about her future husband. Further, you must give her patriarchal oversight by never releasing her to an unprotected situation - physically, morally or emotionally (Ps. 36:1; Deut. 22:21). For your sons, you must likewise build trust by preparing them to be godly leaders, both vocationally and spiritually, counseling them against the vices of ungodly women, just as Solomon did in Proverbs chapters 2, 5, 6 and 7. If your children observe you faithfully being a patriarch in their early youth, then it will be only natural for them to trust you in their later youth. What will happen if you don't take time now to build your children's confidence? Of course, they will struggle in trusting you later, and you risk losing their heart as many careless or misguided parents have so painfully learned.

Mothers, during this friendship stage, think about practical ways that you can aid your husband in being a trustworthy protector and provider of the family? Consider how you can build up - rather than tear down - your children's trust in their father to provide an excellent spouse for them? Take to heart Solomon's wise counsel: The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands (Prov. 14:1).

Thus far in building our dream mansion, we've poured the foundation of piety and built sturdy walls of patriarchal protection and provision. Next on our work schedule is something to secure our mansion from invasion - a moat filled with water and a drawbridge reserved only for your future spouse. The moat and drawbridge represent the principle of purity.

APPLYING PURITY
Purity means no physical affection or romantic emotions prior to God's approval in Scripture. As we have learned from the many Bible passages bearing on this subject, neither romantic touching nor romantic emotions are permitted during the friendship stage of relationships. Young men, treat the younger women as sisters, in all purity, Paul exhorts in 1 Timothy 5:2. Even limited romantic emotions are permitted ONLY after the betrothal covenant has been made. Otherwise, we are likely to fall into the sin of adultery in the heart that Jesus warns against in Matthew 5:28. For these reasons, relating during the friendship stage should be exercised primarily through family-centered gatherings rather than through one-on-one dating or through youth groups.

Paralleling his warning that bad company corrupts good morals (1 Cor. 15:33), Paul likewise exhorts in 2 Timothy 2:22: Now flee from youthful lusts. But, practically speaking, HOW are young people to flee from youthful lusts? Paul answers in the second half of the same verse: ...by pursuing righteousness, faith, love and peace WITH (or, in the company of) those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. The Bible has many cautions about the dangers of youthful peers (cf. Prov. 29:25; Gen. 8:21; 2 Ki. 2:23, Hag. 2:13, etc.). We would be wisest, therefore, to have our children and youth pursue friendships primarily in the context of family-centered gatherings where dads and moms are always present to carry out their biblical role of guarding their children's hearts.

An interesting verse in Proverbs 31 may actually have some application to this principle of purity during the friendship stage. Verse 11 begins, The heart of her husband trusts in her.... Why does he trust in her? Verse 12 continues, She does him good and not evil ALL the days of her life. Wait a minute! ALL the days of her life? You mean she's thinking about her husband even before she meets him? How can she do him good ALL the days of her life when she doesn't even know who he is?

One way, of course, is by preserving herself for him both physically and emotionally. Assuming that God would have you married, you already know that somewhere out there He has specially created for you a young man or young woman who He is providentially preparing to be your perfect match. He's preparing her to zig where you zag so that together you will make a perfect team for the three purposes of marriage: a partnership in dominion, a propagation of a godly offspring and a portrait of Christ's relationship with His own bride, the church. From God's timeless point of view, the two of you are practically married already.

So young men, don't you want your bride to be doing you good and not evil ALL the days of her life by being morally faithful to you even now? Surely you don't want some other fellow wrapping his snake-like arms around her shoulders, slithering up close with cologne dripping from his pores, and puckering up his unbridled lips - do you? That fellow would be kissing your wife-to-be, your one-and-only whom God created and prepared especially for you! And if you desire purity in your future wife, then how much more do you think she is desiring right now that same level of purity in you?

Young people, you should live by this purity test. Always imagine that your spouse-to-be is watching you. Then ask yourself, If she could see me now, how would she feel? Would she be hurt, jealous, disappointed in me? If so, then something's not right in the way you are presently relating to the opposite sex. Now take that purity test one step further - imagine that your spouse-to-be can read your thoughts at all times. Will a pure young lady want to be spiritually one with a mind that has been exposed to R-rated movies? Most of us never consider that if our thought life were recorded for our future spouse to read, he or she would be horrified. But from God's timeless point of view, you have a love life with your spouse-to-be even before you ever meet her.

So you must choose now, during the friendship stage, to love her day in and day out, and to cherish and adore her by the way you are living your life today. This is how you can begin showing agape love for your future mate even before you meet, by making choices each day that honor and do what is best for him or her. This is how Christ sacrificially prepared Himself for His bride, the church, when He was growing up as a totally pure youth. And if you have failed already in keeping your self pure - physically, mentally or emotionally - it's not too late for you. Just follow Christ's command to the woman caught in adultery in John 8, go and sin no more. If you are truly repentant, then you can start afresh today.

We now have a dream mansion with the foundation of piety, the protective walls of patriarchy and the surrounding moat of purity. If we stopped construction now, we'd have a fortress but not a home. To make our mansion comfortable, we must finish the inside. Let's let the kitchen and the chapel represent our need for vocational and spiritual preparation.

APPLYING PREPAREDNESS
Preparedness may be the best single word to describe our focus during the friendship stage of relationships. It is the lengthy time of becoming ready for marriage spiritually, vocationally and financially. Before he was married, Adam knew his vocation of horticulture, and he knew God's law spiritually. Likewise, every godly father in Bible times prepared his sons and daughters for marriage through adequate spiritual and vocational training so that they might avoid slavery and debt. This friendship stage was the time period in the teen years when a young man was saving his bride price of three years' wages lest he be considered unprepared to support a wife and family. Solomon explained it this way in Proverbs 24:27, Prepare your work outside, and make it ready for yourself in the field (i.e., vocational preparation); afterwards, then, build your house (the Hebrew word house here means household, that is, marriage and children - Prov. 14:1). Vocational preparation, young men, is not merely a job (which can easily be lost) but marketable skills which you must take time now to develop, before even thinking about marriage. And spiritually, it is the season for developing leadership and self-discipline. Leadership in worship, prayer, teaching and witnessing; and self-discipline in spending, eating, orderliness, working and studying.

A young woman must also be spiritually preparing during the friendship stage by following the examples of Sarah, Mary and the Proverbs 31 woman. Vocationally she must develop her domestic skills as well as the talents God has given her for assisting in her future husband's life purpose. But how do we accomplish this, fathers, without instilling in a daughter an attitude of careerism? The answer is to have your daughter relate to her father in the same manner that God will have her relate to her future husband. For example, in developing our own daughters' musical talents, we have structured our family music business so that I, the father, remain fully responsible while delegating certain work to each of my daughters. Instead of paying them, I give them generous gifts each month according to their needs so that they will learn to be fully dependent upon their future husband rather than developing an independent spirit.

Let's conclude the building of our dream mansion by landscaping it with magnificent trees and shrubbery. Large plants take time to grow, so they represent the biblical principle of patience.

APPLYING PATIENCE
Patience is an attitude of walking by faith, not by sight, trusting our sovereign God to accomplish His perfect plan in His perfect time. Few of us have any sort of understanding about what it means to wait with patience. We have all grown up on a fast-food, fast-fun, fast-technology world of microwaves and super computers. How long should we wait for God to bring our future spouse to us? Until I'm 20, or 25 - and what a horror of horrors if I'm not married until I'm 30! Surrender is hard enough, but then comes waiting, patiently trusting a sovereign God to accomplish His perfect plan in His perfect time through imperfect fathers.

But after we are already prepared both spiritually and vocationally, what do we DO while we are waiting on God? Well, what did Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and Moses do while waiting on God? And what is the church to be doing while waiting for her groom, the Lord Jesus Christ, to begin His wedding march with the blast of a trumpet and the shout of His angels?

In Scripture, waiting is an active word describing energetic expectancy as you continue to serve God while eagerly looking forward to the unfolding of His wonderful plan for you. True waiting involves an active focus. You know what you are heading toward, so you don't let anything distract you. But you must stay focused and avoid the world's temptations by keeping your eyes on God's best.

Patience involves not only watching out for distractions but also praying: Watch and pray, exhorted Christ in Matthew 26:41, that you enter not into temptation. For the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Pray for daily strength to be faithful, pray for your future spouse to be faithful, and pray that God will mold both you and your mate-to-be into one perfect match that will glorify Him. Psalm 40:1 encourages us, I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord, and He inclined to me and heard my cry.

The application of God's five fundamental principles of romance requires hard work. But you'll never regret the effort once you receive the reward it brings. Persevero, young men and ladies!

In our next chapter, we'll investigate the intriguing courtship stage in the step-by-step process that leads to a biblical marriage.

 

 

 

Chapter 7

How to Marry – The Courtship Stage
 

Nearly all of us - dads, moms and children - have observed a house being built. Some of us have even had a hand in a construction project or two. So we can all relate well to our Lord's warning NOT to build our house (life) on the shifting sand of man's flawed values (Matt. 7:24-27). Christ wants us to construct marriages that are sturdy dream mansions, not shaky sand castles.


Consequently, in our last article we explored in a very practical way HOW God's five fundamental principles of scriptural romance should be applied to the friendship stage of relationship building. Under the analogy of house building, we poured a concrete foundation of piety, erected protective walls of patriarchy, constructed a surrounding moat of purity, built interior rooms of spiritual and vocational preparation, and finally landscaped our dream house with long-growing trees of patience in God's perfect timing.

But how do we know for certain that our dream mansion (our future marriage) is built to God's exacting standards? How can we be sure that it will stand up to the howling winds of adversity and the torrential storms of life? Well, of course, we call in the building inspector to examine and verify its most critical parts. Isn't that what you would do before moving in your fine furniture and beloved family? Wouldn't you want to be positive that this mansion won't collapse and injure you and your loved ones? Let's talk about what building inspectors do, both for houses and for marriages.

First, the builder doesn't even call the building inspector to issue a certificate of occupancy until he believes the house is completed and ready to be occupied. He knows that the inspector will examine the house based on an objective set of standards, and not just go with his feelings. He will conscientiously analyze not only the outside of the house but the inside as well, even the various hidden components. And if he finds something wrong, he won't simply ignore it but will require it to be fixed prior to the house being inhabited.

Likewise, a father should not even consider courtship (the stage for investigating marriage) until he is convinced that his son or daughter has fulfilled the goals of the friendship stage of marriage preparation: the development of selfless devotion to Christ, trust in the protection and provision of their father, physical and emotional faithfulness to their future spouse, spiritual and vocational preparation for adulthood, and prayerful confidence in God's perfect plan (see Chapter 6 for a full explanation of these goals). Only after these goals have been attained should a father pursue the stage of courtship for his son or daughter. Otherwise an inspection will find much unfinished work which makes a future marriage unfit for occupancy.

UNDERSTANDING COURTSHIP
What exactly is courtship? Let me summarize what I said in a previous article. Often the terms courtship and betrothal are used nearly synonymously to refer to the biblical process of pursuing a man-woman relationship under the careful and caring oversight of parents and for the sole purpose of marriage, not recreation. But in addition to this general use, the words courtship and betrothal have specific, technical meanings that distinguish them from each other. Indeed, they are two separate and sequential stages in the fourfold process that leads to marriage, a process composed of friendship, courtship, betrothal and wedding. Friendship (a cordial relationship of mutual esteem) and wedding (the ceremony and covenant that join a man and woman in marriage) are well understood by all. But what is courtship, and how is it distinct from betrothal?

Like the word trinity, the term courtship is not found in the Bible, but the idea surely is. In brief, courtship is the process of investigating (i.e., getting to know) a person with marriage in mind. It is the time period, after spiritual and vocational preparation for marriage has been completed, for evaluating a suitor's inward character, values, beliefs, practices, interests and life purpose to ensure that a godly match occurs. The term courtship is derived from the words court and ship. Court means a trial of law for evaluating evidence; and ship refers to boundaries (such as in the word township, meaning the boundaries of a town). So the term courtship may be used to speak of the boundaries, or the proper approach, for evaluating evidence of a person's true character, just as in a court of law. We see this investigative process in several scriptural marriages (e.g., Isaac and Rebekah, Gen. 24) as well as in various biblical principles, such as 1 Thessalonians 5:21, Examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.

Betrothal, on the other hand, refers to the stage that comes after a positively concluded courtship investigation. Betrothal may be defined as a binding commitment to marry, sought by a young man, agreed to by a young woman, approved and supervised by the fathers of both, and attested by a bridal provision (bride price/dowry) and by witnesses and/or a document. In Scripture, the terms betrothal, engagement and espousal come from the same Hebrew and Greek words meaning, basically, a promise to marry. This will be the subject of our next article, but we mention it here to clearly distinguish it from courtship since history has muddled the two in the minds of many.

As we mentioned in our last article, biblical courtship is rooted in a natural attraction toward another for the purpose of marriage, an attraction based on inward character more than outward beauty and charm. In stark contrast, worldly dating is generally pursued for the purpose of pleasure rather than marriage. In consumer terms, modern dating is equivalent to window shopping, while biblical courtship is shopping with cash in hand, under the direction of an experienced buyer (parents).

Each of the four relational steps toward marriage - friendship, courtship, betrothal and wedding - finds its ultimate validity in Christ's own marriage to the church as our prototype (2 Cor. 11:2; Eph. 5:22ff). We ought therefore to ask, How does Christ's relationship with the church illustrate courtship? And when did this courtship occur? If courtship is the process of investigating (evaluating, examining, testing) a suitor's inward character, values, beliefs, practices, interests and life purpose, then Christ's time of testing before the Cross - from His wilderness temptation by Satan to the garden of Gethsemane - parallels the courtship stage of relationships, the stage of inspecting the vessel to prove its worthiness for habitation.

In the courtship stage of Christ's marriage preparation, He came to seek His bride (Lk. 19:10), but only such as the Father had chosen for Him (Jn. 6:37). During this time our Lord was tested in His godly character and shown to be without sin, ...tempted (tested) in all things as we are, yet without sin (Heb. 4:15). It was character that was evident to all, even as Pilate declared, ...having examined Him, I have found no guilt in this man (Lk. 23:14).

Just as our Lord proved himself prior to the Cross to be an acceptable sacrifice according to God's standards, likewise young men and women must demonstrate themselves prior to betrothal to be acceptable spouses according to God's standards. The courtship stage, then, is the time period for investigating the qualifications of a suitor to be an acceptable spouse. But how do we go about investigating a person with marriage in mind? How do we practice courtship in a biblical fashion?

WISDOM GUIDANCE
God's minimum requirement is that a Christian's marriage partner must be another true believer: ...she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord (1 Cor. 7:39). But what should spiritually-minded Christians desire in a spouse? What ought to direct our wishes in a mate? God has added three provisions for wisdom in choosing a spouse: the Scriptures, outside research and wise counselors.

Wisdom, of course, begins with the Scriptures which give God's job description for husbands and wives. Just as you would be grossly unwise to consider a job without first studying the job description, so also with marriage. So be sure to understand God's reasons and responsibilities for wedlock, namely

1.  To partner together for dominion (Gen. 1:28).

2.  To propagate a godly seed (Mal. 2:15)

3.  To portray Christ's relationship with His church (Eph. 5:22ff): loving leadership by the

husband as family pastor, provider and protector; and reverent submission by the wife as

devoted helper and worker at home (Gen. 2:18; Tit. 2:5).

It would be wise, for instance, for a man to select a spouse with whom he could most easily and completely fulfill his unique life purpose (i.e., his peculiar dominion work) and his responsibilities as a husband. This would surely begin with like-mindedness in biblical beliefs and lifestyle convictions. And he would want to choose a woman whose first priority (after God) is the fulfillment of her God-ordained functions as a wife and mother, rather than having a separate occupation or ministry. Now that may sound obvious, but many Christians have come to grief in their marriage because they did not choose wisely, but married rather for romantic reasons.

A woman, observing that Scripture requires her to respect and submit to her husband, should be asking in advance, With what kind of man would submission come easily? In the most general terms, that would be the most spiritually mature person who is willing to marry her. This principle is repeatedly underscored in the Old Testament. In fact, the segment of Proverbs that specifically addresses the issue of selecting a spouse emphasizes spiritual excellence as the primary marriage qualification: An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels (Prov. 31:10). And when Boaz told Ruth he wanted her for a wife, he explained why: for all my people in the city know that you are a woman of excellence (Ruth 3:11).

In addition to getting wisdom from the Word of God, we are to study outside research just a Nehemiah did when he planned to rebuild the walls around Jerusalem (Neh. 2:11-16). Outside research related to marriage might include such areas as age, finances, employment, education, personality traits, health, hobbies, family background, cultural background and much more. The fewer the potholes in the pathway of adjustment, the smoother will be the journey to marital unity.

The third and final source of wisdom God has provided for choosing a spouse is wise counselors. In our day we have been blessed with an abundance of wise (and not so wise) counsel through books, cassette tapes, videos and seminars. Still, there is no substitute for personal counsel from the godly men and women who know you best, particularly your own parents. How very sad when Christian young people and even Christian adults neglect the counsel of their spiritual family. Proverbs tells us they do so to their own great peril!

Now, just as we did in the friendship stage (see Chapter 6), let's look more particularly at how God's five fundamental principles of scriptural romance - piety, patriarchy, purity, preparedness and patience - apply to the courtship stage of marriage preparation.

APPLYING PIETY
As we have noted before, piety refers to our general godliness and righteousness in attitudes and conduct. But HOW, specifically, are we to apply piety in the evaluation of a potential spouse?

Foremost, I think, is that we have our focus on inward character, not on outward beauty, wealth or popularity. For example, King Lemuel was taught in Proverbs 31 to seek a virtuous wife; and godly Ruth desired Boaz for a husband because he was a man of character and kindness, even though he was old enough to be her father (Ruth 2:9, 15-16; 3:10).

Consider again the biblical reasons and responsibilities of marriage: to partner together for dominion, to propagate godly children and to portray Christ's relationship with His bride, the church. Christ-like character in both husband and wife is absolutely essential for achieving these three God-ordained purposes. Without godly character in a spouse, there will be no one-mindedness for dominion, no consistent training of children, and no testimony of Christ in your relationship. In short, you will be an utter failure in realizing God's preplanned design for marriage. That's how important inward character is in the choice of a mate.

So what would be included in the evaluation of a suitor's character and convictions? Here we are looking for direction, not perfection. If a young man or woman is not acceptable in any of these areas, don't dismiss them immediately since they may be teachable, especially if they show a submissive spirit to their parents and elders. Note also that in courtship we are concerned about issues of conviction not preference. A conviction is something you are convinced from the Bible is God-ordered, and that to ignore it would be sin. Thus, to marry someone with different convictions would pose grave problems of compromise or conflict. Most matters of preference (except those that are very significant to you) should await discussion until betrothal since these issues can create emotional bonding, something that would be premature during the courtship stage.

First, assess a suitor's general spiritual maturity. Does he show a genuine love for Christ and His church, as evidenced by a life of joyful obedience? Does he demonstrate an honoring attitude toward his parents and siblings? (How he honors his family trains him for how he will honor a wife.) Will he happily submit to parental oversight in courtship and betrothal? Since discipline is necessary for godliness, is he self-disciplined in his spending, eating, orderliness, working, studying and spiritual life? Does he make decisions and resolve problems with open communication and an open Bible, seeking God's answer? Is he a kindly, selfless leader, pursuing the character of an elder in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1? Is she a cheerful, submissive helper, pursuing the qualities of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31 and Titus 2?

Second, compare areas of personal conviction, beginning with one's major theological understanding. A person with liberal leanings will not make a good marriage with someone of conservative beliefs. A Calvinist won't match well with an Arminian, nor will a Reformed with a Dispensationalist. In today's evolving spiritual climate, one must even be sure of their potential spouse's view on creationism (the traditional literal six-day view versus theistic evolution, progressive creationism or framework hypothesis).

Convictions about church life must also be explored for compatibility: issues like denominations, house churches, church organization, role of men and women, significance of baptism and the Lord's Supper, the problem of Sunday school and youth groups (i.e., family-segregation) and Sabbatarianism (what day to worship and how to honor the Lord on that day).

Convictions about family life likewise require one-mindedness. These include intensely personal matters like the roles of husband and wife, view of biblical submission, wife working outside the home, importance of family worship, celebration of sacred days (Christmas, Easter), birth control, number of children, schooling of children, discipline of children (especially use of the rod), relationship to in-laws and friends, abortion, divorce, etc. Don't assume anything - ask!

Convictions about personal life can often bring serious trouble to a marriage. So be sure to investigate beliefs about the sufficiency of Scripture vs. psychology for solving problems, Scripture vs. feelings for discerning God's will, food issues (overeating, nutrition, vegetarianism), dress issues (modesty, gender-distinct, cost, jewelry), recreation issues (sports, movies, TV, rock music), medicine (traditional, alternative), money attitudes (giving, spending, saving, debt, gambling), use of alcohol or tobacco, personal morality (all areas, be specific), civil disobedience, anger or violence, lying or deception, past romantic relationships, past arrests or crimes. Once again, don't assume anything - ask!

Finally, review significant preferences that could be problematic to a marriage. Some individuals, for example, have very strong attitudes about where they want to live - north vs. south, city vs. country, etc. Others have passionate feelings about pets, hygiene, and various other matters.

In addition to evaluating inward character and convictions, a pious person will want a husband or wife with the same inward direction, life goal, or life purpose - where they complete one another as partners in Christ's kingdom work. A man should seek a spouse who is a suitable (lit. corresponding) helper, as God created her to be in Genesis 2:18. That is, her talents, abilities, interests and direction ought to correspond to his so that she completes him in his life purpose. Otherwise he will be missing his other half and will be less able to accomplish God's goals for him. So what would be included in evaluating a suitor's inward direction?

First, assess his intended life work. Is he vocationally prepared with a family-centered occupation, a vocation that can include his wife as his helper? By God's design, unless a man is to be single, his life work is intended to involve his wife (Gen. 1:27f; 2:18), but the industrial world today greatly inhibits this (thus, family business is often the best choice). Is his life work something that you can support with your God-given talents? Second, compare your talents, abilities and interests with his. Do you fit together well? Third, review general strengths and weaknesses. Are you strong where he is weak and vice versa?

In summary, an application of the principle of piety will cause us to focus on a suitor's inward character, convictions and direction, rather than being star-struck by outward beauty, wealth and popularity. It must also be pursued with fervent prayer. But who should direct this investigation of a potential spouse? Clearly, the principle of patriarchy indicates that the fathers (particularly the young lady's father) should take leadership during the courtship period. According to R. J. Rushdoony in his Institutes of Biblical Law, this leadership role of the bride's father is reinforced by the Hebrew word for bridegroom, which means the circumcised, and the Hebrew word for father-in-law, which means he who performs the circumcision. This refers not to physical circumcision but to spiritual circumcision. The father-in-law is responsible for ensuring the spiritual circumcision (i.e., the spiritual condition) of the groom in order to prevent a spiritually mixed or incompatible marriage with his daughter.

APPLYING PATRIARCHY
Patriarchy refers to a father's physical, moral and emotional oversight and protection of his children, as well as his provision of a spouse with the cooperation of a son or approval of a daughter. What is its application during the courtship stage of marriage preparation?

From the Scriptural examples, there seem to be two phases in the courtship stage of relationships. In the first phase, the parents alone are involved as they explore the field of potential spouses and weed out those who are clearly unsuitable. In this first phase, the son or daughter may not even be aware of any specific candidate's name. The goal, of course, is to reap the wisdom of the parents and to preserve the emotional purity of the son or daughter. So if a suitor were to directly approach a young lady, she should immediately refer him to her father as did Rebekah in Genesis 24. Once a potential spouse becomes a likely candidate, however, the son or daughter becomes personally involved in the investigative process under the careful and loving oversight of the father. Let's look now in greater depth at these two phases: the inquiry and the consensus.

Phase One: the Inquiry. Even before his children are ready for marriage, a wise father will be continually building wholesome relationships with other like-minded families, not only for present fellowship but also for future spouses. The significance of this early relationship building can't be stressed enough because long-term relationships give the greatest prospect for wise choices. You will have had the opportunity to observe these young men and women in all kinds of circumstances, giving you the safest judgment of their true character, convictions and direction in life.

But where might a father find like-minded families? The starting place, of course, is in your own local church. But since that will not satisfy all marital needs, we can look next at other like-minded churches, both near and far, which might be discovered through publications such as Patriarch magazine and Quit You Like Men, web sites like ChristianCourtship.com, and ministries such as Steve Schlissel's Reformed Matchmaker (Reformed.Matchmaker@usa.net). Beyond these resources, we can befriend other home-schooling families that we meet at church conferences and state homeschool conventions. Another place to meet like-minded families is at Christian conferences on themes of interest to your family. For example, since our daughters desire husbands with a serious interest in music, we have attended Christian music conferences. Plus, since we are each looking for someone different, we parents can keep an eye out for one another as we travel around.

Now, when a father locates a potential spouse - i.e., one who seems worth exploring - he should contact that person's father to begin investigating their inward character, convictions and direction. And since God has given us a wife to be our corresponding helper, we should involve her in the investigation, for she can often perceive character flaws that we may overlook. This inquiry phase would also include a father's interview with the potential spouse as well as a thorough investigation of the suitor's character references (his/her church elders, relatives, long-time family friends, etc.). This process may take up to a month, especially if there is some distance involved. After enough information is gathered, a Compatibility Chart should be developed listing similarities and differences in character, convictions and direction. If there is enough mutual interest and both fathers give their approval, it is time to transition to phase two of courtship which involves the young adults under their parents' oversight. Whereas inquiry focuses on data-gathering through questioning, consensus pursues like-mindedness through study and discussion about the areas of difference in convictions and significant preferences.

Phase Two: the Consensus. At this point, the young man and woman would likely review with each other nearly every area of inward character, convictions and direction that their fathers covered, much of it in the presence of parents and some of it in family gatherings, such as meals or other activities where character can show. One author suggests character windows like yard work, evangelistic activities, church work projects and other ministry activities. The consensus seeking itself ought to involve mutual Bible study and the writing of position papers on important areas of difference (from the Compatibility Chart). The purpose of consensus is not for one party to win the other to his or her views, but for both parties to study the Word of God as the sole standard for our convictions. Both sides should have the liberty to recommend articles, tapes and books for studying out the areas of difference. Participants in study and discussion must include the parents, too, who can then disciple the young persons where necessary. Openness and honesty - not pressure and compromise - will move the discussions toward the ultimate goal of a better understanding God's truth.

During the courtship stage there is nothing that should be asked or said that is too private for parents to overhear. Remember, patriarchy involves protection, and a father cannot protect when he doesn't know. Every effort should be made to avoid emotional bonding since either party should be able to withdraw from the courtship without leaving a sense of rejection or hurt. Thus, I would allow absolutely no gifts, romantic words or private letters or phone calls since these tend to incite the emotions. Toward the end of the courtship investigation, there may be a place for very limited private time together, say, in the family's parlor when parents are in the next room. But even this should have an agreed-upon agenda for discussion since Proverbs warns about the attraction of flattery in a conversation (Prov. 5:3; 7:5).

In early America, a courtship candle was used to limit the amount of time spent talking alone. When the candle burned down to the next mark, it was time for the young man to go home. As mentioned before, if a young man or woman is found unacceptable in any area, this becomes an opportunity for discipleship by either father. We can surely see the difficulty - if not impossibility - of achieving a biblical courtship when a young person (particularly a daughter) is sent off to college or is otherwise absent from the father's home (see the author's College at Home for the Glory of God at www.patriarch.com).

We've already touched briefly on our third principle of scriptural romance, the principle of purity. But there is more to be said.

APPLYING PURITY
Purity refers to there being no physical affection or romantic emotions prior to God's approval in Scripture. Contrary to cultural expectations, the many Bible passages bearing on this topic reveal that neither romantic touching nor romantic emotions are permitted during the courtship stage of marriage preparation. Yet as the Bible and history affirm, this has always been a temptation and even more so in a promiscuous culture. It is principally for this reason that the fathers take leadership and oversight during the courtship stage to preserve and protect a son's or daughter's physical and emotional purity.

We see in Scripture both good and bad examples of purity during the courtship stage. Samson, of course, was a terrible example in Judges 14 when he allowed his emotional desire for a Philistine woman to cause him to disobey his father's godly pleading that he take a believing wife from Israel. Parents, if you allow your son or daughter to become emotionally involved like Samson, you will likely lose all authority and control in his or her life just as his father did. On the other hand, we have the good example of Naomi's counsel to Ruth where she directed her daughter-in-law to wait until you know how the matter turns out (Ruth 3:18). That is, don't let your emotions become involved with Boaz until you know that a betrothal covenant has been agreed upon.

This is such a problematic area that it bears repeating the scriptural support for the principle of absolute purity. Biblically, then, romantic touching - such as holding hands, hugging, kissing - is appropriate ONLY within marriage (Gen. 2:25; 26:8; Prov. 5:18f; 6:29; Song of Sol. 4-8; Matt. 1:24f; 2 Cor. 11:2; Heb. 13:4). It is good for a man not to touch a woman (1 Cor. 7:1; Gen. 20:4,6; 34:3; Ruth 2:9; 2 Sam. 11:1ff; etc.). God never intended any level of limited romantic touching prior to marriage. James describes this principle of the slippery slope in James 1:14: But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death. By God's design for procreation, one touch leads to the next. So in Scripture, courting couples were generally in the company of their families or chaperoned (Gen. 2:22-24; Song of Sol. 1-3 - by the daughters of Jerusalem). And when not chaperoned, moral disasters occurred, such as Shechem with Dinah, Samson with Delilah and David with Bathsheba. Lead me not into temptation, a plea to the Heavenly Father, should likewise be heard by earthly fathers (Matt. 6:13; 26:41). Make no provision (opportunity) for the flesh in regard to its lusts, warns the Apostle Paul (Rom. 13:14). Aloneness is an opportunity for the flesh, even the aloneness of a public place away from one's family. Let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall (1 Cor. 10:12; cf. Prov. 28:26).

But physical morality isn't all that's included under the purity principle. God also requires emotional purity in our relationships. Unrestrained romantic emotions lead to mental impurity, adultery... in the heart Jesus called it (Matt. 5:28). Consequently, romantic emotions (conveyed through romantic looks, acts, language and gifts) are appropriate ONLY after the betrothal covenant has been made (Song of Sol.1-3). Otherwise, emotional fraud will likely occur (1 Thess. 4:6). Yet even during the betrothal period, all anticipation of marital affection is to remain pure and undiscussed between the couple (Song of Sol.1:2; 2:6; 3:1), romantic language is to be moral and modest (1:10,15,16), and strict patience and self-control is to be a mutual commitment (2:7,15; 3:5).

GOD'S FENCES OF PROTECTION

RELATIONSHIP                     TYPE OF BONDING
Friendship                               Social

Courtship                                 Spiritual

                          STOP
                         
Betrothal                                  Emotional

         

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           STOP 
                        

Wedding                                  Physical

Parents and young people, in 1 Thessalonians 4:6 God commands that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter of acquiring a wife. The word transgress here means to exceed the boundaries by stealing the physical or emotional affections that belong to a woman's future husband (see exposition in Chapter 2). Notice in the accompanying diagram that God has set up boundaries, or fences, to avoid the emotional or physical bonding which He reserves for future stages in our relationships. During the friendship stage, for example, we are allowed social bonding. And during the courtship stage, God intends us to spiritually bond as we agree with a potential spouse on personal convictions and inward direction. But there God sets up an emotional boundary, or fence, which we are not allowed to cross until we make the commitment of betrothal. God likewise sets up a physical boundary which we are not allowed to cross until we make the commitment of marriage through the wedding. These two boundaries are given by God for the protection and preservation of our hearts in what one author calls the zones of vulnerability. In the courtship zone, we will be tempted toward emotional bonding; and in the betrothal zone, we will be tempted toward physical bonding. But God says, don't cross the fences - they're put there to guard you for your one-and-only sweetheart. And it's up to earthly fathers to make sure those fences stay in place.

APPLYING PREPAREDNESS & PATIENCE
Preparedness alludes to the spiritual, vocational and financial readiness for marriage by both the man and the woman. This fourth principle of scriptural romance should have been basically completed before courtship ever began. And indeed, the necessary questions must be asked of a potential spouse to ascertain his or her preparedness for marriage. The many issues mentioned above under Applying Piety will appraise a candidate's spiritual readiness. But further questioning must address the vocational and financial areas.

Has the young man developed adequate marketable skills (not just a degree or a job) to support a wife and family, preferably through a family business that would allow him to achieve his God-ordained family priorities and include his wife as his dominion helper (Gen. 1:27f; 2:18)? Has he saved his money for marriage and avoided the slavery of debt? Has the young lady developed her skills and talents to be not only a domestic helper but also a dominion helper to assist her husband in his life work? If any spiritual or vocational shortcomings are discovered during courtship, they must be corrected before any further progress in the relationship.

Finally, how does the scriptural principle of patience apply to the courtship stage? Patience, an attitude of walking by faith, not by sight, involves trusting in our sovereign God to accomplish His perfect plan. It's not easy to maintain patience when you think you have your target (Mr. Right) in your sights. But what if it doesn't turn out, as Naomi cautioned Ruth? Foolish young people often fall into lusting rather than trusting during this crucial stage of investigating a spouse. So you must prepare yourself, young men and ladies, to say No to several second best choices while you patiently wait for God's best.

Satan will surely try to hinder you from your present righteous path and your future godly service. He will try to spiritually neutralize both you and your future children by attracting you to a second best marriage through which it will be difficult to raise up a godly seed. As an angel of light, Satan can make those second best choices look really good on the surface. But remember how after thirty years of preparation, Jesus Christ was just ready to win his bride at Calvary when Satan offered Him a sparkling substitute: all the kingdoms of the world. Aren't you glad our Lord rejected Satan's second best substitute? And so should YOU, if you want a dream marriage that will last a lifetime!

What we have said about biblical courtship may raise nearly as many questions as it answers. For example, What if the parents are unsaved, disinterested, uncooperative or even opposed to courtship? How do we do courtship if a son or daughter has already left home? If I'm already involved in a relationship, how do I make the transition to courtship? Can courtship be successful if the families live distant from each other? How do older singles court, especially if their parents are deceased? How long should a courtship last?

In our next article, Lord willing, we'll be dealing with Courtship Questions - the most frequently asked questions that have come to us through the ChristianCourtship.com web site, as well as a thorough list of the most critical questions to ask a courtship candidate and his references (i.e., pastor, relatives, friends). If you have any courtship questions after reading this issue, let us hear from you right away and we'll try to answer your question in our next article.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 8

How to Marry: Courtship Questions

 

When discussing the subject of biblical courtship, certain questions repeatedly are asked. I hear them at conferences where I speak as well as through emails via our ChristianCourtship.com web site. They are no doubt on the minds of many Christian dads, moms and young people today. These inquiries fall into two primary groups: (1) questions about courtship and (2) questions during courtship.


QUESTIONS ABOUT COURTSHIP
Questions of the first category, those about courtship, typically address exceptions to the general pattern of courtship found in Scripture, exceptions that occur all too often due to our fallen, sinful condition and culture. Can God's ideal of courtship still work in my messed-up life and in our post-Christian culture?

Absolutely yes! Biblical courtship isn't simply an option, it's an obligation. As we explained in previous articles, dating is not a moral alternative for any Christian, no matter how corrupt his life or culture has become. God established the courtship approach to marriage as trans-cultural, and thus normative for all people in all cultures and in all times. So it is our duty as faithful Christians - faithful to God and to our families - to work through the enigmas and impediments that hinder us.

When we classify something as ideal, we tend to dismiss it as unachievable. But ever since Adam sinned, the ideal has been flawed. Yet God still wrote the Bible filled with principles that we are to return to time and again, whenever we fail, no matter how badly or how often. Be perfect as your Father in heaven (Matt. 5:48) and be holy in all your conduct (1 Pet. 1:15) constantly keep before us God's ideal, God's target toward which we are to aim in the strength of Christ.

So what are some of the obstacles that clutter our line-of-sight when we try to aim at the target of courtship? Let's see if we can clear them away!

QUESTION #1 - Are these standards for courtship realistic? If we had used them for appraising our own relationship, we would have never married one another!

This is surely a common attitude. Frankly, my own courtship would never had withstood the scrutiny of such careful examination! I was far too immature in inward character, convictions, and direction to marry when I did. But what should be the standard for our children? Does God want us to use the lower benchmark of our own paltry experience as the model for our children, even if God has given us grace to live beyond it (cf. Rom. 6:1)? Don't we want something much better for them? If you are living in a house needing constant repairs because it wasn't well inspected before the purchase, don't you want your children's houses to be free from such headaches?

The foundation for a happy, successful marriage is to use biblical standards during courtship. In his first letter to the scattered believers of his day, Peter penned these words:

Therefore, gird your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because it is written, You shall be holy, for I am holy. –(1 Pet. 1:13-16)

Peter doesn't lower the standard but directs our hope to the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ. And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him, explains the Apostle John, purifies himself just as Christ is pure (1 Jn. 3:3) How? The author of Hebrews answers, by striving against sin (12:4), combating sin as an enemy in your life rather than coddling sin as a guest.

So, evaluate a suitor by God's standard: Is he striving to be like Jesus Christ? Though he will never reach perfection, is this his direction? Is he, by the grace of God, making real progress in the Christian life, sufficient to sustain a marriage relationship? And where he fails, is he truly repentant toward his sins, demonstrating his repentance by making efforts to change where he previously failed? As Jesus told the woman caught in adultery, Go and sin no more.

QUESTION #2 - Doesn't biblical courtship take romance out of the relationship?

No, not at all. Actually, the biblical approach to relationships puts romance in its proper place, and its proper place is not during courtship. By romance, of course, we refer to the emotional and physical affection between a couple in love with each other. Emotional romance, God says, is to be reserved for the betrothal stage of a relationship after a binding commitment to marry has been made, preventing the broken-heart syndrome. This is why we urge that no romantic words, gifts, or private communication occur during courtship. Contrary to its historical corruption, courtship is not the stage for starry-eyed romance but the time for serious-minded investigation. Not until betrothal should a young man declare to his fiancée, I love you.

Similarly, physical romance is to be withheld until the wedding where the chaste couple experience their first embrace and kiss. This is why the traditional wedding ceremony includes, You may now kiss the bride - it hasn't happened before, at least in the biblical order of things. The kiss was the symbol for sealing the new marriage covenant. Only by following the biblical pattern for relationships will romance be protected from the tarnish of impurity so that it remains beautiful rather than harmful to the new couple.

QUESTION #3 - Are there different roles in courtship for sons vs. daughters?

Christ states in Matthew 22:30 that sons marry but daughters are given in marriage. So the question arises, Do sons, then, act independently from their father while daughters submit to their father's oversight? It is certainly true that sons do not require the same level of physical, emotional, or moral protection as daughters, since sons are relatively less vulnerable. Sons are also properly shown in Scripture as the initiator in relationships. However, Solomon is clear in Proverbs, that sons are morally threatened by loose women and, therefore, are in continuing need of a father's counsel and oversight, especially while they are still young men, say, in their teens and twenties.

Numerous Scriptures convince us that a son is to work cooperatively under his father's leadership in the courting of a spouse. We see, for example, how Abraham sought a bride for Isaac (Gen. 24:3) and how, in the absence of a father, Hagar took a wife for her son, Ishmael (Gen. 21:21). Judah likewise took a wife for Er, his firstborn son (Gen. 38:6). Even Samson, though his choice of a Philistine woman was wrong, still asked his father to get her for me. Ibzan, one of Israel's judges, brought in thirty daughters for his thirty sons (Judg. 12:8-9). And Jehoash, king of Israel, sent to Amaziah, king of Judah, saying, Give your daughter to my son as a wife (2 Ki. 14:9). Jeremiah 29:6 states the biblical norm when God tells the Hebrew fathers to take wives for your sons. In fact, this is the same pattern followed by Christ Himself in his marriage to the church, His bride, which was given to Him by the Father: All that the Father gives Me shall come to Me... (Jn. 6:37).

Yet the son also plays a very active role as pursuer of his bride, just as Jesus did with His bride, the church: For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost (Lk. 19:10). Likewise, in the Old Testament examples we generally find this active, though cooperative, role exercised by the son in the pursuit of a bride. But when he is a young groom, he is always to be under the wise oversight of his father. Genesis 2:24 explains that for the cause of marriage, a man shall leave his father and mother. Normally, then, a son remains under the roof of his father until he leaves and cleaves to his wife. Yet even if he is not living at home, he remains under the counsel and oversight of his father for the purpose of marriage. When he rejects this oversight, the courtship often falls into impurity and the resultant marriage is almost always a disaster, as with the sons of God in Genesis 6, Esau in Genesis 26 and Shechem in Genesis 34.

QUESTION #4 - What is the role in courtship for church elders and other advisors and acquaintances?

In our last article we focused on the role of the father, the mother, and the son or daughter in gathering information about a potential spouse. But this may not always give the complete picture. It's only human (sinful) nature to view ourselves in the best light, to overlook our own sins and to present ourselves most favorably. In fact, we're taught from early on to put our best foot forward. So, to be thorough, we should note how business and government have learned to seek the truth about potential employees by asking questions of others who know them well. Likewise, we fathers should inquire about a prospect by questioning his relatives, friends, fellow believers, co-workers, neighbors, and - most importantly - his church elders. Because of their counseling role, elders are often in a position to know details about a person's life far beyond what is publicly revealed. And though an elder must be careful to maintain confidences, he may be able to advise you either toward or away from a potential spouse for reasons that are beyond your ability to know.

QUESTION #5 - How important is it to examine the suitor's family?

In our investigation of the character of a suitor, we ought likewise to evaluate the character of his family. Whatever questions you ask of the suitor, ask also of his parents regarding their spiritual maturity, personal convictions, and cooperative attitude. This is necessary for at least three reasons. First, a suitor's relationship with his parents and siblings is largely what has made him who he is in character, beliefs, personality, outlook, habits, manners, and much more. Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it, says Proverbs. If a child is trained up by godly parents, he will likely become godly; and if he is trained by mediocre or ungodly parents, he will likely become spiritually mediocre or ungodly. Yes, there are exceptions both ways. But they are still exceptions; the rule is, whatever a man sows, that shall he also reap, meaning: like father, like son; and like mother, like daughter.

A second reason for investigating the suitor's family is because of the life-long influence they will have on the newlyweds and on the children produced by that union. Year after year the in-laws, aunts, and uncles will be giving the new family suggestions, recommendations, and advice. Will it concur or conflict with your own counsel? If their worldview, beliefs, and lifestyle are considerably different than your own, then their influence may take the form of bias, distortion, and indoctrination! Your children and grandchildren may be caught in a philosophical tug-of-war.

Thirdly, you must investigate the suitor's family because you will be related to this family as long as you and they live. This can be either a wonderfully blissful relationship or a terribly baneful one, depending upon their spiritual maturity, personal convictions, and cooperative attitude. Clearly, then, it is absolutely crucial to investigate the suitor's family - his parents as well as his siblings.

QUESTION #6 - What if the parents are unsaved, uncooperative, or unavailable to oversee courtship?

This is a particularly troubling question for those of us who revere God's design for the family and who respect the patriarchal role of the father. But it must be addressed because we live in a fallen world. The betrothal approach to marriage is part of God's creation model for all mankind, not just for believers. So even unsaved fathers should be involved in protecting and providing spouses for their children. Yet, since courtship is now so foreign to our culture, a Christian young person will sometimes need to introduce his parents to this topic in a careful and methodical way - one step at a time so they don't feel overwhelmed.

But what if a father is still unsympathetic or uncooperative after serious and sensitive efforts have been made to inform and encourage him? Can his children still proceed in courtship without a father to protect, oversee, and counsel them? In the Scriptures, when a father was physically absent from the family through death, desertion, or divorce, the mother assumed his role of initiating and overseeing the courtship/betrothal process, just as Hagar got a bride for Ishmael (Gen. 21:21). By analogy, if the father is spiritually absent from the family, the mother may assume his courtship duties if he does not disallow it (Acts 16:1; 2 Tim. 1:5; 1 Cor. 7:14). If both father and mother were unavailable (or unwilling) to serve in this capacity, the Scriptures reveal that an older relative or spiritual leader became the surrogate parent for this critical task. For Ruth, it was performed by her mother-in-law, Naomi (Ruth 3-4); for Joash, it was accomplished by Jehoiada, the priest (2 Chron. 24:1-3); for Esther, it was fulfilled by Mordecai, her older cousin (Esth. 2:7,11). Today, this is one of the most frequent stumbling blocks for courtship. So spiritually minded family members and church leaders may be called upon to help these orphaned young people by becoming surrogate parents for courtship.

QUESTION #7 - What if a father is opposed to his son or daughter marrying another Christian - or getting married at all?

Sometimes an unsaved father may actually be opposed to his son or daughter marrying another Christian, or ever getting married at all because of his own deep selfishness in keeping them at home. Are these adult Christian children doomed to a life of singleness and servitude in their father's house?

The beginning point in such a situation is for the young person (together with the mother, if she is willing) to make a godly appeal to the recalcitrant father, affirming their love and appreciation for him. In most cases, such a father is acting in either ignorance or fear toward this new and uncertain responsibility. He has never seen or heard of courtship being practiced today, and he may need both instruction and encouragement to overcome his obstacles. But if he is stubborn and unyielding, is there no avenue of appeal to a higher authority?

It is my understanding of Scripture that all delegated authority - whether in civil government, in the church, or in the home - has God-ordained limits. When a government clearly and grossly exceeds its biblical purpose or jurisdiction, it loses its God-given authority to govern and may be superseded by another authority. This is precisely what happened in the righteous overthrow of British rule in the independence of our own country, and there is a large stream of biblical reasoning to support such thinking (cf. A Defense of Liberty Against Tyrants, by Junius Brutus, and Lex Rex, by Samuel Rutherford). The same principle can apply in a home that is ruled by a tyrant who has clearly and grossly exceeded his rightful rule. This is very sensitive territory and requires the wisdom of a multitude of counselors. But after all possible remedies have been attempted, including humble and lengthy appeals to the rebellious father, it may be proper - based on Matthew 10:16-23 and 1 Kings 17:1-4 - for an adult son or daughter to flee unjust persecution by a tyrannical father and to marry under the approval of a substitute authority. This, however, would be a rare and isolated event.

QUESTION #8 - What if a son or daughter has already left home, perhaps off to college or a job?

Once again, we are dealing with a very flawed, imperfect situation, but one which is exceedingly common in our anti-family, individualistic culture. Even the church encourages young people to leave home at age 18 to pursue college or a job (see my article College at Home for the Glory of God at www.patriarch.com). But under such historically unprecedented circumstances, how can a father fulfill his biblical obligation to provide a spouse and oversee courtship? The only honest answer is, he can't very well and probably won't!

Clearly, if a son or daughter is living outside the household, the principles of scriptural romance will be much more difficult to implement. The best scenario would be for the children to come back home, if they are willing. But once their appetite for the world is whetted, the scriptural approach under Dad's authority and roof takes more maturity than most young people can muster. The biblical principle to apply in such a case is, in love, to yield all your personal rights and preferences but, in holiness, to yield none of God's principles of piety, patriarchy, purity, preparedness, and patience. In other words, be compassionate but don't compromise. Love your children more than you love yourself, but not more than you love God.

There may be some creative ways to help your children preserve at least some of God's plan for their lives, such as by having them see a suitor only when they come home during weekends or holidays, or by seeking the help of a trusted friend, relative, or pastor near where your children live. But these options are very prone to moral failure or compromise. How much better to restore your children to the protection and oversight of a caring father.

QUESTION #9 - Can a courtship be successful if the families live far away from each other?

The biblical norm and ideal, it seems, is to chose a spouse from nearby so that you can investigate and know them well. This also provides for the family on both sides to have opportunity for godly influence on the new couple and their children. But our transient culture today may correspond better to Abraham's situation who, in obedience to God, left his people in Ur of the Chaldees to settle in Canaan among pagan foreigners. There are several problems that must be surmounted if courting families live far away.

The first challenge of distance is that of becoming aware of who might be available for courtship. But let's assume that you meet a distant, like-minded family at a national conference of some sort or through a mutual acquaintance (or even through the ChristianCourtship.com web site). Now, you begin corresponding with that family.

The second problem, of course, will be getting to know them well, which can be elusive and expensive through phone calls and traveling (though email can help some). It becomes much easier to put on a good face for a week at a distance than it does for six months when they live in the same town. So you must be very thorough to investigate by means of others who have known that family for many years.

A third difficulty with distance is discipleship. If a young man has great potential but needs some discipleship by the girl's father, this becomes very clumsy at a distance. Some dads have had the young man move nearer for this very purpose, sometimes even living, say, in a small trailer on the family property. But this can bring its own set of problems if he is living too close.

The fourth problem with distance is that, when a marriage does occur, one set of in-laws may be left remote from the new family. But if Isaac and Rebekah could handle these problems, maybe we can too. Abraham knew that a good match could not be sacrificed for the sake of proximity, even though proximity is a valid concern.

QUESTION #10 - Do older singles need to court, and if so, how do they go about it?

There are several scriptural principles and examples that guide our answer to this question. First is the principle of headship. Older singles who are the heads of their own households may court, betroth, and marry under their own authority as long as they follow the scriptural principles. According to Numbers 30, this includes most widows and divorcees unless it is a woman who has chosen to return to her father's home. In that case, she is once again under the jurisdiction of her father.

However, God's principles for biblical romance are not age-limited. Though younger adults may have a greater need for wisdom and oversight, we all still have a sin nature, hormones, and emotions. Even in our enlightened culture, older single women remain vulnerable and deserving of the male protection over relationships that God intended through a father or surrogate parent.

When relatively mature adults enter courtship, they often think they are above temptation and don't need oversight in this matter. Yet even spiritual Ruth was under her mother-in-law, Naomi. In fact, moral disaster occurred with many older singles who courted in Bible times. King David (the purest man), Samson (the strongest man), and Solomon (the wisest man) all fell into sin through unsupervised courtships. Who today is purer, stronger, and wiser than these men? Let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall (1 Cor. 10:12). All people, regardless of age, are in need of godly oversight in their relationship with the opposite sex. Immorality is not the exclusive domain of the young. Where parents have died, godly relatives or church elders can possibly fulfill this role.

QUESTION #11 - Can I still court after I have been tarnished through dating?

First, know this: We have been saved by a God of all grace. Though dating is a subtle error of desire-driven humanism and invariably results in sin (see Chapter 2), God is both forgiving and restoring toward those who are humbly repentant. No matter how devastating the consequences - and they surely are that - God will bring hope and help to those who renew their minds and ways through His principles of courtship and betrothal.

Second, if you are presently in a dating relationship, have both your parents as well as your significant other study these articles on God's Design for Scriptural Romance and discuss God's revealed will for your relationship. If he/she is unconvinced or unwilling to follow God's principles, then this is certainly not God's spouse for you, at least not at this time. To continue in such a relationship after you know the truth of God's Word would clearly be sin: Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do, and does not do it, to him it is sin (Jam. 4:17).

Third, if you or your suitor have baggage from prior relationships (or a current relationship), the path to purity begins with both parties understanding how damaging and selfish immorality is. Any physical expression of love outside of God's boundaries is self-centered and self-deceiving. Desiring to please Christ more than we please others or self is the only cure and control for personal passions. Of course, it is God's design in the first place that you not be alone together where boundaries can be crossed. If you are serious about not sinning, then you must remove what encourages sin and replace it with what discourages sin.

QUESTION #12 - How long should a biblical courtship last?

Courtship is a matter of investigation, not time. And many factors will determine the length of that investigation. So the courtship should last as long as it takes to methodically, thoroughly, and diligently evaluate a potential spouse.

Never should you feel rushed. This will happen only if you allow emotions to clutter the task - either the parents' emotions or the young couple's emotions. Remember, contrary to what you have learned through romance novels or Hollywood movies, courtship (at least the biblical variety) is not the time for wooing the heart. Through thought control (Phil. 4:8) and the avoidance of romantic words, acts, and gifts, you must keep emotions out of the picture until you are absolutely sure that all issues of inward character, conviction, and life purpose have been settled.

On the other hand, a courtship investigation should not be drawn out longer than necessary (my own experience suggests about 2-4 months, depending on how well the families knew each other beforehand and how distant they live from each other). Otherwise, the couple will be tempted to develop emotional bonds before there has been a binding commitment to marry, called betrothal. Once both parties have come to the place where all their questions about character, convictions, and life purpose have been adequately answered, it is time for the young woman's father to ask, Young man, what are your intentions for my daughter?

 

QUESTIONS DURING COURTSHIP

PHASE ONE: THE INQUIRY
In addition to the questions above about courtship, there is a second category of questions to be asked during courtship (or, more specifically, during Phase One: The Inquiry, described in Chapter 7). These questions should be addressed to a potential spouse as well as to his/her character references (parents, church elders, relatives, long-time friends, etc.). They deal with issues of character, conviction, and significant preferences which would likely trouble a marriage. Some of them, of course, can be answered only by the candidate himself; but for completeness I am including them all in a single list. Lesser matters of preference (which would not trouble a marriage) would be reviewed during the betrothal period.

Your Relationship

1. In what capacity or relationship have you known him? His family?
2. How long have you known him?
3. Would you say you know him well enough to share some observations about his character, personality, strengths and weaknesses?

Spiritual Life

4. Would you describe what you know about his salvation and walk with God?

a. Evidence of salvation. (What makes you believe he is born again?)
b. Theological beliefs. (Does he have any unusual or unorthodox beliefs?)
c. Personal character. (Where is he in character development?)
d. Lifestyle practices. (What do you see in his life that may be inconsistent with Scripture?)
e. Faithfulness in church attendance/participation. (How regular is he?)
f. Prayer and Bible study. (What have you observed in these areas?)
g. Personal witnessing. (Does he share the Gospel faithfully?)
h. Spiritual ministries. (How does he exercise his spiritual gifts?)
i. Spiritual strengths. (What are his one or two areas of greatest strength?)
j. Spiritual weaknesses. (What are his one or two areas of greatest weakness?)

5. Would you describe what you know about his father's salvation and walk with God? (Use the same questions as in Question 4, but now in reference to the father.)

6. Would you describe for me what you know about his mother's salvation and walk with God? (Use the same questions as in Question 4, but now in reference to the mother.)

His Relationships

7. Can you describe his relationship with his father? Is it honoring? Is it obedient?
8. Can you describe his relationship with his mother? Is it honoring? Is it obedient?
9. Can you describe his relationship with his siblings? Is it harmonious?
10. Can you describe his relationship with his grandparents? Is it caring?
11. Can you describe his relationship with his friends? Doe he tend to be peer influenced?
12. Is he consistently faithful in fulfilling his commitments? Explain.
13. Has he shown a regular willingness to serve others? In what ways?
14. In what ways is self-centeredness expressed in his life?
15. How does he relate to authority in his life?
16. In what ways is he ever controlling or manipulative of others?
17. Have you ever seen or heard of him being unkind to others?
18. What kinds of situations cause him frustration? How does he respond?
19. What circumstances might make him impatient or angry? How does he handle them?
20. As far as you know, has he ever been violent (or even yelling)?
21. How does he deal with a broken relationship? Does he have any now that you know of?

Personal Habits Affecting Marriage

22. What is his practice regarding eating/food? Is his eating disciplined in choosing what to eat and how much? Do you know of any food oddities?
23. What is his practice regarding money? What are his habits regarding spending and giving? Do you think he would be controlling with money?
24. What is his discipline toward possessions? Is he very orderly? Does he ever seem materialistic?
25. What are his habits regarding work? Does he have a high standard of excellence? Does he ever tend to be slothful or a workaholic?
26. What is his discipline in studying? Does he read regularly, and if so, what?
27. What are his habits regarding sleeping? Is he lethargic? Are his sleep habits irregular?
28. What is his discipline with time? Does he follow a regular schedule? Is he productive?
29. What is his practice regarding personal devotions?
30. What is his level of personal cleanliness and hygiene?
31. Does he have any personal habits that might annoy others?

Marital Roles

32. What do you know of his beliefs about courtship and betrothal?
33. Does he tend to be more of a leader or follower in life?
34. As far as you can tell, how does he go about making major decisions?
35. In making decisions, what role does God's Word play? Is he selfless in decision making?
36. What is his attitude toward women? Is it respectful? Does he see them as possessions?
37. What is his view on the proper role of a wife? Is she to be his partner/companion or his slave? Is she to work outside the home?
38. What do you know of his views on divorce and remarriage?
37. What do you think he is looking for most in a wife?
39. How well do you think he would provide for a wife and family?
40. How well do you think he would protect his wife and family?
41. How do you think he will relate to his parents (and in-laws) after he is married? Do you see any potential for either rejection or dependency (apron strings)?
42. What has been his prior experience with dating and romance?
43. How does he relate to children? Is he affectionate toward them? Does he become irritated with them or ignore them?
44. What do you know of his views on child training, including corporal punishment?
45. Are you aware of his views on home schooling?
46. When he fails, does he accept personal responsibility, repent, ask forgiveness, and change?
47. Does he ever slant the truth for his own benefit?
48. In what ways do you think he may need to grow before marriage?

Moral Standards

49. What are his standards of propriety in dress? How does he dress?
50. Have you ever heard or known of any offensive language from him?
51. What are his standards regarding TV, movies, literature, music?
52. Do you think he would ever watch an R-rated movie? PG-rated?
53. Are you aware of any pornography in his past?
54. Are you aware of any alcohol, drugs or tobacco use in his past?
55. Do you know of any financial debts he has?
56. As far as you know, has he ever been in trouble with the law?

Miscellaneous

57. What is his attitude toward pets? Love 'em, leave 'em, sleep with 'em?
58. What are his political leanings?
59. What is his general attitude toward civil government?
60. From your observations, what are his interests, hobbies, talents?
61. What do you think he most highly values in life? What next?
62. Have you ever seen or heard of him spending money foolishly?
63. What two or three things does he tend to do in his spare time?
64. As far as you know, does he have any physical or mental disabilities or diseases? Any allergies? Prior or current health problems?
65. When growing up, what temptations or weaknesses did he exhibit?
66. What tendencies does he have toward intolerance, prejudice or racism?
67. What is his involvement in sports? Does he participate, attend games, watch it on TV? To what extent?
68. Recognizing we are all imperfect, in what one or two areas do you think God wants him to improve most?
69. From your experience, does he have a teachable spirit?
70. If your daughter/son were marrying this person, what cautions would you have?

Additional Questions for the Potential Spouse (added to those above):

71. What do you understand to be the Gospel? Please tell me about your salvation and walk with God.
72. What do you understand to be the role of baptism? Lord's Supper?
73. What do you understand to be God's purposes/priorities for the church?
74. What is your view of the Sabbath and the proper use of that day?
75. What is the present day application of the Mosaic Law?
76. What do you see as the man's role in the local church? Your own role?
77. What do you see as your wife's role in local church ministry?
78. How do you view age-segregation in the church (youth groups, Sunday school)?
79. What is your view on the celebration of Sacred Days (Christmas, Easter)?
80. What is your view of house churches?
81. Can you describe your life purpose, i.e., how you intend to use your interests, experiences, skills, and talents to serve and glorify God?
82. What role would your wife and children play in your life purpose?
83. What role would your job/career play in your life purpose?
84. What are your income producing (vocational) skills?
85. What is your attitude toward family (home) business?
86. What are your views on birth control and abortion?
87. What is your attitude toward adopting children?
88. What are your thoughts on alternative medicine? Vegetarianism?
89. What is the role of psychology in the life of a Christian?
90. Do you prefer to live in the city, suburbs, town, country, farm, seaside, mountains, desert?
91. Describe a typical week day in your life from start to finish.
92. Describe a typical Saturday in your life from start to finish.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 9

How to Marry: The Betrothal Stage

 

Imagine that your family has spent years working together and saving diligently to buy a dream house that would perfectly meet the needs and goals of your unique lifestyle. You have carefully explored the homes on the market and found one that was built to the exacting standards of bygone days. In a word, it has character. A sales agreement has been signed, a deposit given and you are ready to move in. Or are you? Yes, the house is sound and sturdy - it could withstand gale winds. But inside it is cold and barren, not very inviting. Doesn't it need some warmth and decoration to make it more hospitable for your beloved family? This same question may likewise be applied to our preparation for marriage. Let me explain.


Throughout our study of God's Design for Scriptural Romance, we have drawn an analogy between the construction of a house and the building of a relationship for marriage. We find ourselves now at the betrothal stage of relationship building: friendship, courtship, betrothal, and wedding. The friendship stage was the period for developing single-heartedness toward God, preparation (spiritual and vocational) toward self, and general observation toward others through whole family gatherings. This period of time corresponded to the building, or construction, of our dream mansion. The courtship stage was that occasion for investigating the qualifications of a suitor to be an acceptable spouse, because we want our children's marriages to be free from the need of constant repairs. This paralleled the inspecting of our dream house before we commit to buying it.

If the friendship stage can be summarized by the word preparation, and the courtship stage by the term investigation, then the betrothal stage might best be distinguished by the word ornamentation - the finishing touches that must be added prior to the wedding. To put it another way, if the friendship stage parallels the building of your dream house, and the courtship stage corresponds to the inspecting of your new dwelling, then the betrothal stage is the time for furnishing your mansion with carpet and couches and a warm fireplace. A concrete foundation and sturdy walls may give security, but how long would you want to live in a barren home with no furniture and no rugs, not to mention no heat? Just as a home needs warmth, so a marriage relationship needs warmth, tenderness and devotion. This is one of the primary purposes of the betrothal stage of marriage preparation.

PURPOSES OF BETROTHAL
So, once you've found Mr. or Miss Right, what do you actually DO during the betrothal stage? Why even have a betrothal at all? Why not just conclude through the courtship investigation that a particular suitor is a godly match and then get married the next day? What is to be achieved during betrothal?

To answer that question, let's again look at Christ's model for us in His own betrothal to His bride, the church. You remember that during the friendship stage in Christ's youth, He continued in subjection to [His parents]... and kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men (Luke 2:51-52). In the courtship stage of Christ's testing, He came to seek His bride (Luke 19:10), but only such as the Father had given Him (John 6:37). During this time our Lord was tested as to His godly character and shown to be without sin (Heb. 4:15). Having examined Him, I have found no guilt in this man (Luke 23:14). That exemplifies our purpose during courtship, to examine the potential spouse, particularly in regard to his or her character.

Now, during Christ's betrothal stage with the church, which began at His crucifixion, Paul explains that ...you were redeemed with precious blood, as of a lamb unblemished and spotless (1 Pet. 1:19). For I betrothed you to one husband, that to Christ I might present you as a pure virgin (2 Cor. 11:2). Further, during betrothal we, the bride, are …to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge (Eph. 3:19). The Greek word here for know (ginosko) does not refer to having full knowledge but rather to progress in knowledge of Christ's love, growing more and more in love with Him day by day. And finally, Christ declares: If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself (John 14:3). These four vital Scriptures illustrate the four key purposes of the betrothal stage, the four things that are to be achieved during betrothal. Here they are in summary form:

· To PROVIDE for one's bride - redeemed with precious blood.
· To PROVE one's faithfulness - present you as a pure virgin.
· To PROGRESS in one's love - to know the love of Christ.
· To PLAN one's future--I go and prepare a place for you.

We will discuss these four purposes in greater depth as we continue through this article, but it will be helpful first to give a formal definition:

Betrothal may be defined as a binding commitment to marry, sought by a young man, agreed to by a young woman, approved and supervised by the fathers of both, and attested by a bride price and by witnesses and/or a document.

Now, as we have already done with the friendship and courtship stages, let's explore together how our five fundamental principles of scriptural romance - piety, patriarchy, purity, preparedness and patience - might be applied to the betrothal stage of marriage preparation.

APPLYING PIETY
Piety, as you will recall, speaks of our general godliness and righteousness in attitudes and conduct; and initially it impacts HOW a godly young couple enters into betrothal. To explain further, we'll delineate each component of our definition. We said, first, that betrothal is...a binding commitment to marry.

The word betroth comes from the words be and troth meaning to be true, trustworthy, faithful, to this covenant to marry. The four different Hebrew and Greek words translated betrothal (or, in some modern translations, engagement) some fifteen times in Scripture, convey the concept of a mutual promise to marry. So, a godly young couple will enter betrothal as a morally irrevocable obligation to wed. Now I say irrevocable because it is a promise, a pledge, a covenant, a vow to God and an oath to man. And what does God say about our vows and oaths, but that we must keep them and not break them. The Scriptures declare very plainly that when a person makes an oath to man or a vow to God, he thereby binds himself to do what he has vowed.