.
GOD’S DESIGN FOR SCRIPTURAL ROMANCE – Part 1 (Chapters 1-5)
About the author:
John Thompson is on the staff of the National Center for Family-Integrated Churches (NCFIC.org), founder of Family Shepherd Ministries, church pastor, and home-schooling father since 1983. John has taught extensively on the family-integrated church, the busy father as family shepherd, and the benefits of home education and home business. A graduate in biblical counseling under Dr. Jay Adams at Westminster Seminary, he has been a keynote speaker at numerous state and national home-school conventions, Christian camps, and other conferences since 1985. As a contributing writer to The Teaching Home, Home School Digest and Patriarch Magazine, he is the author of several acclaimed articles including "College at Home for the Glory of God" and "God's Design for Scriptural Romance." John and his wife Dawn live in Asheville, North Carolina.
John welcomes your comments and contacts.
Email: JT@FamilyShepherd.org
All scripture is quoted from the New American Standard Bible
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter Page
1. Rediscovering the Timeless Truths 5
The Philosophy behind Dating 5
The Fruit of Dating 6
Evaluating the Relevant Passages 7
Significant Relationships to Study 8
Significant Concepts & Words to Study 8
God’s Four Truth Forms 9
Interpreting Culturally Related Scripture 10
Biblical Betrothal is Transcultural 11
Identifying God’s Principles for Romance 13
Taking every thought captive 16
2. Dealing with the Dating Dilemma 17
Dating Defined 17
Distinguishing Characteristics of Dating and Betrothal 18
Dating’s History 19
Comparing Dating With Scripture 20
Victory over a Dating Spirit 21
Spiritually Renewing your Mind 22
God’s Commands against Dating 22
How to Acquire a Wife 23
Discarding the Myths of Dating 24
Discerning the Dangers of Dating 25
How can Parents Resist? 27
How can Young People Resist? 27
God’s Solution to the Dating Spirit 28
3. Preparing Your Children for Biblical Betrothal 30
Courtship vs. Betrothal 30
Your Children’s Example 31
Your Children’s Encouragement 32
Your Children’s Equipping 33
Essential Training Topics 34
4. Choosing a Spouse by Faith, not Feelings 36
Quiz on Choosing a Spouse 37
What God’s will Means 37
Testing God’s Individual Will 38
Circumstances do not Guide Us 40
Neither Doors nor Fleeces 41
Impressions do not Guide Us 43
What about Peace? 44
How God Guides Us 45
5. Talking Biblically about Feelings 48
Sense Perceptions 48
Our Emotions 49
Beliefs, Attitudes, Thoughts 49
Our Desires 50
6. How to Marry – The Friendship Stage 51
Worldly Relations vs. Biblical Relations 51
Whether to Marry 52
Three Factors 53
Whom to Marry 54
Only in the Lord 55
Understanding Friendship 56
Applying Piety 57
Applying Patriarchy 57
Applying Purity 58
Applying Preparedness 60
Applying Patience 60
7. How to Marry – The Courtship Stage 62
Understanding Courtship 62
Wisdom Guidance 64
Applying Piety 65
Applying Patriarchy 67
Applying Purity 68
God’s Fences of Protection 69
Applying Preparedness & Patience 70
8. How to Marry -- Courtship Questions 72
Questions about Courtship 72
Questions during Courtship 78
Phase One – The Inquiry 78
9. How to Marry -- The Betrothal Stage 83
Purposes of Betrothal 83
Applying Piety 84
Applying Patriarchy 86
Applying Purity 87
Applying Preparedness 89
Applying Patience 91
10. How to Marry -- The Wedding Stage 92
Biblical Wedding Examples 93
Applying Piety 94
Applying Preparedness 95
The Procession 96
The Ceremony 97
The Celebration 97
Applying Patriarchy 98
Applying Purity 101
Applying Patience 102
11. The Marriage of Jonathan and Zoie -- A marriage based on courtship 105
I. Prelude 105
II. Procession 106
III. Ceremony 107
IV. Signing of the Covenant 109
V. Celebration 110
Chapter 1
Rediscovering the Timeless Truths
Several years
ago a missionary related to our church how three ominous inroads from Western
culture are destroying the morality of families in India — even families in
Bible-believing churches. These pernicious intrusions are Western television,
Western rock music, and Western dating and romance. We were familiar, of
course, with the corrupting influences of Western television and rock music.
These plagues of post-Christian culture are ruining many families in America too. But dating and romance? What could possibly be harmful in this?
Our missionary, a prominent Bible teacher and counselor in India, explained his startling observation from many years of marriage counseling. He noted
that marriages in India which are begun through traditional betrothal (pursuing
a relationship for marriage, not recreation) enjoy a near zero divorce rate. By
contrast, marriages that are commenced through Western dating have the same
divorce rate as America — over fifty percent! All other factors being the same,
the dating vs. betrothal issue seems to have a dramatic impact on a marriage's
happiness, stability and longevity.
Such an observation strikes a responsive chord among a growing number of
Christian families in America today. Not only homeschoolers but conservative
believers of all sorts are rediscovering God's timeless truths about romance
through an assortment of new literature (I count over thirty books and tapes in
my own collection). Yet if these virtues are to become uncompromised convictions,
they must be personally investigated from their original source, the Bible.
This, of course, is the nature of a conviction — it is a belief we are
convinced is God-ordered and non-negotiable. Thus, the mission of my writing is
not to entertain you (though I think you will find this study stimulating) but
to lead you into scriptural truths which are vital for the preservation of your
family.
THE PHILOSOPHY BEHIND DATING
Before we explore the specific passages in Scripture that deal with romance,
let's begin with the big picture, the issue of one's life philosophy which will
then undergird everything he or she believes and practices in life. The Bible
teaches that your life philosophy is either man-centered or Christ-centered,
either man-pleasing or Christ-pleasing (1 Th. 2:4cf; Gal. 5:16ff). These
are the only two options. And whatever life philosophy you truly embrace will
show in your beliefs and in your behaviors.
Notice what the Apostle Paul reveals about this in Colossians 2:6-8. In
verses 6-7, Paul exhorts the Colossians to walk out their Christian life in the
same way that they put their faith into Christ, namely, through the instruction
of the Word of God, producing an abundantly joyous, thankful life. But is this
the typical fruit we encounter in modern dating? Is it possible that we have
unwittingly been deceived by our culture and have departed from God's truth in
this matter of romance, dating and finding a spouse?
Keep that possibility in mind as you read Paul's caution in verse 8: See to it
that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception according
to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world,
rather than according to Christ. Beware; says Paul, here is a very real danger,
the threat of being kidnapped away from truth and into the mental, emotional
and spiritual bondage of error. By what conspiracy might you and I be captured
into error? Through philosophy and empty deception, answers Paul. The Greek
word for philosophy means a love of wisdom, and here it refers more
specifically to the appeal of worldly wisdom. Further, we are warned that the
world's teachings are empty deception. That is, although they are made to look
appealing, in reality they are barren, unfulfilling lies.
Well, how do these barren, unfulfilling lies of the world take us captive? By
two means, declares Paul: according to the traditions of men and according to
the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ. The
traditions of men refer to worldly practices; the elementary principles of the
world denote worldly beliefs. So, Paul is sternly warning Christians to beware
and to avoid worldly practices and beliefs that would displace the practices
and beliefs of Christ through His Word.
What we are hearing in Paul's admonition is the necessity of Christian
separation, Come out from their midst and be separate, commands the Lord in 2
Corinthians 6:17, and do not touch what is unclean. In order to have a joyous,
meaningful and effective Christian life, says God, we must be a separated
people — separated from the sinful philosophy of the world, which is propagated
by the sinful people of the world, stimulated by the sinful pleasures and
places of the world, and proliferated through the sinful principles and
practices of the world.
THE FRUIT OF DATING
The philosophy of the world is commonly known as humanism; and it views man and
his desires as supreme. Some of the practices of this philosophy are clearly
wrong, such as abortion, homosexuality and adultery. The world practices these
sins because they view man and his desires as supreme, and most Christians
recognize these sins as clearly wrong. Yet, other practices of the philosophy
of humanism are not clearly wrong but are subtly wrong. They are just as wrong
because they are rooted in man and his desires being supreme, but their
wrongness is not so obvious. Could it be that one of these subtly wrong
practices of humanism is recreational romance (dating)? Jesus declared that you
will know a tree (whether it's good or bad) by its fruit (Luk.6:44.). As
we asked earlier, what is the typical fruit we encounter in modern dating?
Several interviews with parents revealed these fruits from their teen dating
experience:
1. Self-centeredness
2. Macho pride
3. Improper thoughts
4. Sensual focus
5. Immorality
6. Promiscuity
7. Fear
8. Distrust
9. Covetousness
10. Jealousy
11. Insecurity
12. Heartache
13. Bitterness
14. Revenge
15. Violence
16. Depression
17. Thoughts of suicide
18. Tensions among youth
19. Independent spirit
20. Hindered spiritual growth
21. Strained relationship with parents
22. Feeling of being used
This last fruit of the dating game — a feeling of being used — is more than
just a feeling, it's a fact. When you date, you become used merchandise, used
at least emotionally and often physically, from one romantic entanglement to
the next. This fact can be graphically illustrated by passing around a piece of
unwrapped chewing gum from person to person until it has become very grimy,
possibly dropped and trampled on, maybe even chewed. Now, who wants it? Anyone
with mature thinking will quickly reject this chewing gum as undesirable,
defiled merchandise. Young children, of course, will happily eat this dirty gum
because they don't know any better, which is why God gave them parents.
Likewise, God gave your children parents to guide them in this serious area of
pre-marital relationships — so they don't become like used chewing gum or pawed
over merchandise on the bargain table.
Yuk, this dating game looks pretty rotten. That's right, God intends for rotten
fruit — the corruption we reap from sowing to the flesh (Gal.6:8) — to
drive us back to His Word for divine direction. We are to use Scripture as a
mirror, James says, for carefully evaluating what needs to be changed in our
life (Jam. 1:23-25). What, then, has God revealed about His philosophy
of romance? And how do we unearth His life-changing principles?
EVALUATING THE RELEVANT PASSAGES
The study of any topic in Scripture begins with locating the relevant passages
by using such tools as an exhaustive concordance, a topical Bible, a Bible
encyclopedia, cross-references and a good thesaurus (the new computer versions
of these tools are even more effective). A narrow search of our topic would
look up such key words and phrases as betrothal, engagement, wedding, marry,
covenant, bride, groom, take a wife, give a daughter, etc. A broader study
would include words like dowry, protect, touch, kiss, caress, embrace, defraud,
virgin and so on. Once located, these Bible passages must not be merely read
but must be deeply probed by asking Who? What? When? Where? Why? and How? in a
dozen different ways. The answers to these six crucial questions will enable us
to define and describe God's Design for Scriptural Romance.
But we must be sure to frame the questions in light of our topic. For example,
Who? might ask about the role of father, mother, son and daughter. What? might
inquire about the outcome of the relationship. When? might probe the proper
time for romantic emotions or touching. Where? might investigate whether
romance should be public or private. Why? might question the reason something
is done — is it normative or cultural? How? might explore the way a courtship,
betrothal and wedding is carried out.
My own study following the above method uncovered over sixty relevant passages
(not counting duplicates and immaterial references). Several of these were
extensive, others were sketchy. But even some of the brief ones yielded highly
crucial information. In this series of articles, we'll be making reference to
many of these Scriptures, so let me list them for your firsthand study.
SIGNIFICANT RELATIONSHIPS TO STUDY:
Gen. 2:18-25 Adam & Eve
Gen. 6:1-5 Sons of God & Daughters of Men
Gen. 21:21 Ishmael & Wife
Gen. 24:1-67 Isaac & Rebekah
25:20; 26:8
Gen. 26:34-35 Esau & Judith, Basemath
Gen. 28:1-9 Jacob & Leah, Rachel
29:1-30
Gen. 34:1-31 Shechem & Dinah
Gen. 38:6 Er & Tamar
Gen. 41:45 Joseph & Asenath
Exod. 2:16-22 Moses & Zipporah
Josh. 15:16f Othniel & Achsah
Jdg. 14:1-20 Samson & Philistine, Delilah
15:1-6; 16:1-31
Ruth. 2-4 Boaz & Ruth
1 Sam. 18:17-29 David & Merab, Michal
1 Sam. 25:39-42 David & Abigail
2 Sam. 11:1-27 David & Bathsheba
1Ki. 11:1-8 Solomon & Many Wives
1Ki. 11:19 Hadad & Wife
2 Chron. 24:1-3 Joash & Wives
Est. 2:7-17 Ahasuerus & Esther
Pro. 31 King Lemuel & Virtuous Wife
Sol.1:1-3:11 Solomon & Shullamite Woman
Hos. 2:19-20 God & Israel (Wife)
Eze.16:8
Matt. 1:18-25 Joseph & Mary
Luk.1:27;2:5
2 Cor. 11:2-3 Christ & Church (Wife)
Eph.5:22-33
Rev.19:7-9
SIGNIFICANT CONCEPTS & WORDS TO STUDY:
Betrothal, Engagement — Exod. 22:16-17; Deut. 22:23-29; 2 Sam. 3:14; Matt.
1:19f
Covenants — Gen. 21:27-31; 31:48ff; Num. 30:2; Deut. 23:21-23; Josh. 9:18-20;
Zech. 8:17; Mal. 3:5; Gal. 3:15
Dowry/Bride Price — Gen. 34:11-12; Exod. 22:16-17; 1 Sam. 18:25; 2 Sam. 3:14
Patriarchal Protection — Num. 30:3ff; Deut. 22:21; Ps. 36:7; 2 Cor. 11:2
Father Giving Bride — 1 Cor. 7:36-38; Lk. 20:34-35; Exod. 22:17
Romantic Emotions/Touching — Gen. 20:4,6; 26:8; Exod. 22:16f; Deut. 22:23f;
Ruth. 2:9; S. of Sol.1-3; Matt. 5:28; Rom. 13:14; 1 Cor. 7:1; 1Thess. 4:6; 1
Tim. 5:1-2
Wedding — Ps. 45:13ff; S. of Sol. 3:6-11; Mal. 2:14; Matt. 22:2ff; 25:1ff; Jn.
14:2f; Rev. 19:7ff
Why is it that many people — even some Christians — don't earnestly want to
know what the Bible says on certain subjects? It is because such an
understanding would require a change in their lifestyle and comfort level. This
is decidedly true for the topic we are presently studying, scriptural romance.
Since most young people are so intertwined in emotional relationships with the
opposite sex, there will be a strong motivation to latch onto one of the
popular excuses to avoid submission to God's truth.
For example, non-Christians avoid God's truth simply by claiming the Bible is
not inspired (cf. 2 Tim.3:16). Since it's not really God's revelation to
guide His creatures, we need not obey it. Likewise, neo-evangelicals assert the
Bible is not inerrant (cf. Matt. 5:18). It is full of mistakes by the
faulty men God used to write it, so how do we know for sure what's true in it?
With quite a similar outcome, modern evangelicals argue the Bible is not
relevant (cf. Matt. 28:19-20). Many of its truths are culturally bound
and therefore not applicable to our present society, they claim.
In his enlightening book The Sufficiency of Scripture, Dr. Noel Weeks puts this
last excuse in perspective: Those who charge that the teaching of biblical
authors was culturally bound generally make selective use [of it]. They find
something in Scripture which challenges [their] contemporary ideas or
institutions, and they try to find a way to set aside that element of Scripture
(pp. 79-80). The descriptive vs. prescriptive argument is often stretched
beyond its intent. God's unalterable truths are eternal, even though certain
applications of them may change culturally. What, then, must we know in order
to accurately extract God's timeless truths about Scriptural romance, and then
effectively apply these principles to our lives?
GOD'S FOUR TRUTH FORMS
First, we must recognize the four forms of biblical truth by which God has
communicated to us — principle, precept, practice and prudence — in a variety
of literary styles (like narrative, poetry, prophecy, wise sayings, epistles).
We might parallel these four truth forms to the four food groups in that our
spiritual diet is not properly nourishing if we are missing any. Just as our
physical health is dependent upon our eating regularly from each of the
essential food groups, so also our spiritual health is dependent upon our
feeding regularly from each of these four truth forms. To omit any from our
spiritual diet will promote malformed and diseased spiritual lives.
Principle is the first truth form and is defined as a fundamental, primary or
general truth or reason by which God has ordered His creation. Speaking of the
elementary principles of the oracles of God, Hebrews 5:12 suggests that God's
principles stand behind all the precepts, practices and prudence which make up
His oracles, or revelation. Our responsibility, of course, is to discover and
apply them. That's relatively easy when the principle is directly stated as the
justification for a command or practice and is introduced by such words as for,
since or because (e.g., 1 Tim. 5:17-18). Other times, however, the
principle is only implied and must be unearthed through biblical research and
spiritual reasoning. For example, the requirement in 1 Timothy 5:19 for two or
three witnesses implies the underlying principle of impartiality (see verse
21) as taught in Matthew 18:16 (and ultimately Exodus 20:16). Because
biblical principles are an expression of the very character of God (who is
Truth), all principles are by nature applicable to all cultures. Don't let that
last statement escape you: as an expression of the very character of God, all
principles are by nature applicable to all cultures. Sounds like the Bible is
very relevant after all!
A second truth form is precept, a direct command of God which is rooted in
principle, such as pray at all times (Eph. 6:18). To uncover the
underlying principle behind a command, simply ask the question Why? Why are you
to pray at all times? Because you are in a dependent, loving relationship with
God — that is the intrinsic principle. And unless there is clear evidence to
the contrary (see below), you should normally assume that a biblical command is
applicable to you and your culture. The conclusion, when all has been heard is:
fear God and keep His commandments [precepts], because this applies to every
person (Eccl. 12:13).
The third truth form, practice, is a biblically defined implementation or
exercise of a principle. Many Christians wrongly assume that the practices in
Scripture are generally culturally bound, yet Paul declares just the opposite
when he explains, [Timothy] will remind you of my ways [practices] which are in
Christ [principles], just as I teach everywhere in every church (1 Cor.
4:17; cf. Phil. 3:17; 4:9). Old Testament scholar Dr. Richard
Pratt, in his interpretational guide titled He Gave Us Stories, puts it this
way: In many cases a sharp distinction between form [practice] and meaning
[principle] cannot be justified. The New Testament does not merely insist that
believers affirm abstract theological principles; it also requires us to follow
forms and structures in the church. In many cases the forms and the principles
are largely inseparable. We do not need to contextualize the biblical teaching;
we need to teach and explain the requirements of Scripture (p. 373). Thus, we
should usually understand that a biblical practice is relevant to all cultures
unless there are sound reasons to the contrary.
Prudence is the fourth and final truth form by which God has communicated to us
in His Word. It is the wise personal application of a principle. Does this make
prudence optional? No, Solomon tells us that to rashly ignore prudence is sin:
He who sins against me [Wisdom] injures himself; all those who hate me love
death (Prov. 8:36). Once you have concluded that a particular path would
be prudent, to do otherwise would be sinful since the motive could only be to
please self rather than Christ.
INTERPRETING CULTURALLY RELATED SCRIPTURE
In addition to embracing all four forms of biblical truth, we must next
understand how to interpret culturally related truth, if we are to unearth
God's essential elements about scriptural romance. But did you know that ALL
Scripture is culturally related because it was written to a specific people and
culture? However, that does NOT mean all Scripture is culturally bound. Indeed,
some precepts and practices are exclusive to a culture, while others are
normative for all time. How do we know which is which? To determine if it is
cultural, we must ask whether the precept or practice is …
1. Chronologically limited? E.g., a mode of transportation, such as
donkey power, changes as
civilizations progress.
2. Theologically limited? E.g., Old Testament animal sacrifices were
fulfilled by Christ at
Calvary (Matt. 5:17).
3. Culturally limited? E.g., the holy kiss (same gender on the cheek) was a custom of greeting
like our handshake.
4. Historically limited? E.g., urging singleness in view of the present
distress (1 Cor. 7:26) is
confined to times of adversity.
5. Personally limited? E.g., Paul making tents rather than accepting
financial support for his
ministry is described as a personal preference (1 Cor. 9:12).
Likewise, there are some ways to evaluate if a precept or practice is
transcultural (i.e., normative for all time). For example, ask if it is …
1. A departure from cultural practice? E.g., for a woman to learn
anything was contrary to first
century culture (1 Cor. 14:35).
2. A Christian tradition? These, such as women's headcovering, we are
instructed to hold firmly
to (1 Cor. 11:2).
3. A creation ordinance? Both Jesus and Paul pointed to God's original
design in creation for
normative truths (Matt. 19:4-6; 1 Tim. 2:13-14).
4. An appeal to a timeless principle? E.g., Christians have the wisdom to
judge the future world
(1 Cor. 6:1-3) How much more, then, matters of this life?
5. An appeal to a different culture? E.g., Paul appeals to Israelite
culture for the Corinthians to
follow (1 Cor.
9:9).
6. Repeated in different cultures? E.g., Betrothal is found in all
cultures from Creation to
Christ's marriage to the church (2 Cor. 11:2).
BIBLICAL BETROTHAL IS TRANSCULTURAL
A typical response to biblical betrothal says, Wait, aren't all the Scriptures
about betrothal simply descriptive of Jewish culture and not really applicable
to Christians today? No, if you examine them more closely, that is not the case
at all. By biblical betrothal we mean an approach to the man-woman relationship
which involves a binding commitment to marry and careful oversight by parents
(versus the freewheeling, recreational approach of dating). It is instructive
that in Scripture there are no positive examples of romantic relationships
apart from betrothal, whether Jewish or Gentile. Every scriptural example where
the father (or another adult if the father was dead) initiated and oversaw the
romantic relationship (such as Adam/Eve, Isaac/Rebecca, Joseph/Mary, etc.), the
outcome was blessed by God. On the other hand, every example where the father
did NOT initiate and oversee the relationship (such as Esau/wives,
Shechem/Dinah, Samson/Delilah, etc.) the outcome was either mixed or
disastrous! It is simply the sowing and reaping principle of Paul’s command to
the young men to treat the younger women as sisters, in all purity (1 Tim.
5:2).
In Scripture I have observed at least five reasons why Bible-believing
Christians ought to consider the betrothal approach to marriage as
transcultural, that is, normative for all people in all cultures. See if this
makes sense to you.
1. THE PRE-CULTURE CREATION MODEL — In Matthew 19:4-6, Christ appeals to
the pre-culture creation account of Genesis 1-2 as abiding justification for a
biblical view of marriage (just as Paul does for male church leadership in 1
Timothy 2:13-14). By pre-culture I mean that cultural creeds and customs
had not yet developed. In the Garden of Eden we are dealing with pristine
conditions, the commencement of civilization untainted by mankind's sin or
ceremony. Following Christ's example, Christian scholars throughout church
history have likewise based marriage on what they call the creation ordinance.
So, what exactly was this original prototype? The Father (God), through wise
and loving oversight, brought together the bride (Eve) and the groom (Adam) for
the sole purpose of marriage. God didn't create a dozen men and a dozen women
to play the dating game and then marry whomever they wished. Instead, He wanted
Adam to be a one-woman man (1 Tim. 3:2) and Eve to be a one-man woman (1
Tim. 5:9). Prior to the fall, Adam and Eve were the ideal couple, the norm
for marriage throughout time.
2. THE LAW WRITTEN IN THE HEART — Biblical and historical evidence
reveals that the creation model of betrothal became the practice not only for Israel but also for nearly every civilization in history until the twentieth century. Even
prior to the origin of Israel and the Mosaic Law, the nations of the world
embraced biblical betrothal. And Israel's contemporaries, while rejecting much
of the Mosaic code of conduct, nevertheless adopted biblical betrothal. Egypt, Babylon, Persia, Greece, Rome and the many cultures since the time of Christ have likewise
practiced betrothal. Why? The Apostle Paul relates in Romans 2:14-15 that when
Gentiles who do not have the Law do instinctively the things of the Law … they
show the work of the Law written in their hearts. History confirms that
betrothal is not a cultural peculiarity but rather an instinctive principle
written in the heart of all mankind.
3. AN AGELESS PRINCIPLE OF THE OLD TESTAMENT — The Apostle Paul explains
in Romans 15:4, written primarily to Gentile Christians, that whatever was
written in earlier times [the Old Testament] was written for our [New Testament
believers] instruction, that through perseverance and the encouragement of the
Scriptures we might have hope. Whatever was written? Yes, the entire Old
Testament continues to instruct us through its ageless principles including
betrothal, a principle of self-denial about which Paul is exhorting in this
very context (cf. 1 Cor. 10:11; 2 Tim. 3:16). When everyone around
us is yielding to fleshly dating, it is our own perseverance (steadfastness)
and the encouragement of the Scriptures (biblical examples of betrothal) that
will give us hope, a confident expectation that God will provide for those who
are faithful. About this verse, Donald Grey Barnhouse remarked in his
inimitable commentary on Romans, that between the lines of the former
revelation are great eternal principles.
4. APPLICATION TO A DIFFERENT CULTURE — Again, the Apostle Paul advises
predominantly Gentile Christians — indeed, all who in every place call upon the
Name of our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Cor. 1:2) — to follow God's normative
principle of betrothal (i.e., patriarchal responsibility over marriage): But if
a man thinks that he is acting unbecomingly toward his groom's offer of
marriage (Jn. 3:36). During betrothal the groom (Christ) is demonstrating His
virgin
daughter, if she should be of full age, and if it must be so, let him do what
he wishes, he does not sin; let her marry (1 Cor. 7:36ff). Notice
that even to Gentile believers Paul's marital advice is grounded in the
father's biblical authority to do what he wishes in regard to his daughter,
even if she is of full age, i.e., getting beyond marriageable age. Betrothal,
then, is a practice which Paul considered to be in Christ and one that he
taught everywhere in every church, to both Jewish and Gentile cultures (1
Cor. 4:17).
5. CHRIST'S MARRIAGE TO THE CHURCH — Perhaps the most compelling reason
for recognizing betrothal as transcultural is our Lord's use of this standard
for His relationship with His own multicultural bride, the church. As the
spiritual father of the Corinthians, Paul declares: ...for I betrothed you to
one husband, that to Christ I might present you as a pure virgin (2 Cor.
11:2). Why would Christ choose betrothal if it were not God’s own
prescription for pre-marital fidelity? Indeed, Paul suggests that its primary
purpose is to present you as a pure virgin. Just as Christ doesn't want us
dating around in the spiritual realm because it leads to physical, mental and
emotional impurity, so likewise in the natural realm.
How did Christ betroth Himself to His bride? Notice that it perfectly parallels
the biblical betrothal model found in our relevant passages above. First, the
Heavenly Father and Son together chose the bride (Eph. 1:4; Jn. 15:16).
The Son was then sent to seek His bride (Lk. 19:10). During this time He
was in continuous communication with and submission to His Father (Jn. 5:30)
At the time of betrothal, Christ paid the greatest bride price in history, His
own precious blood (1 Pet. 1:18-19). The bride (the church) has the
choice to accept or reject the love for us through words, acts and gifts, and
we grow to know and love Him more and more each day (Eph. 3:17-19). Christ's
love for His betrothed is a secure, permanent relationship, unlike dating
around (Heb. 13:5; Rom. 8:37-39). During betrothal we cannot touch Him,
but after He comes for us in marriage, we will (Jn. 14:2-3). After our
processional to heaven, our marriage to Christ will be celebrated with a great
wedding feast (Rev. 19:7-9).
IDENTIFYING
GOD'S PRINCIPLES FOR ROMANCE
From creation to Christ's second coming and covering a multitude of cultures,
the Scriptures consistently present the betrothal model as normative, not
cultural. Before sin, before Israel, before the Law, before Christ, before the
church., God instituted betrothal. What, then, are the essential, unchanging
principles which stand behind this universal practice as an expression of the
very character of God? A careful inquiry (Who, What, When, Where, Why and How)
of the sixty or so relevant passages reveals five fundamental principles of
scriptural romance: piety, patriarchy, purity, preparedness and patience. Let's
see from where these timeless truths originate.
PIETY. In a sentence, piety is a general godliness or righteousness in
attitudes and conduct which imitates Christ's relationship with His bride, the
church. Piety is the character quality which undergirds and permeates the other
four principles of scriptural romance. It is a pure devotion to please Christ
rather than self in all our relationships, focusing on inward character rather
than outward beauty. Apart from true piety, applying the other principles will
be hypocritical at best. Illustrations of this quality abound among the godly
couples in Scripture. Isaac, for example, was meditating in the field while he
awaited his bride's arrival (Gen. 24:63). Joseph, in his relationship to
Mary, is described as a righteous man (Matt. 1:19). Jesus Christ the
righteous weds his bride, the church, after she is clothed in the righteous
acts of the saints (Rev. 19:8). Other notable examples of piety in
romance would include Jacob and Boaz.
PATRIARCHY. If piety is the undergirding virtue, then patriarchy may be
called the overarching principle since the father's leadership is definitive in
scriptural romance. In brief, the father lovingly prepares, protects and
provides a spouse with the cooperation of a son or approval of a daughter. Just
as God perfectly fashioned Eve for Adam, the bride's father prepares his
daughter to be a suitable helper through training in spiritual maturity,
academics, fine arts, and life skills (Gen. 2:18,22). Like the biblical
patriarchs, he protects his daughter physically, morally, and emotionally,
keeping her under his roof until she marries and never releasing her to an
unprotected situation (Ps. 36:7; Deut. 22:21; Num. 30:3ff; cf. Gen. 34:1ff).
Indeed, he is jealous for [her] with a godly jealousy to protect her purity
so that she is betrothed to only one husband (2 Cor. 11:2). With a
relationship of deep trust and respect, the bride's father provides his
daughter with a husband which she approves (Exod. 2:21; Jos. 15:17; 1 Sam.
18:27). The father initiates, investigates, oversees and chooses his
daughter's husband, though she may humbly decline (Gen. 24:58; 1 Sam. 18:20;
Jn. 3:36; 1 Cor. 7:36).
Correspondingly, a groom's father prepares his son to be a godly leader and a
generous provider (Gen. 2:15-17; Prov. 1-7). Protecting a son is less
stringent than protecting a daughter since he is less vulnerable. But it is
still a moral concern, which is why Solomon candidly counseled his son
regarding immoral women in Proverbs chapters 2, 5, 6 and 7. Finally, the
groom's father provides a wife (Jer. 29:6), yet with the active
participation of his son (Jn. 15:16). Adam's father brought to the man
the woman who was fashioned for his need (Gen. 2:20-24), as did Abraham
also and most other Old and New Testament fathers (Gen. 24:3; 38:6; Jdg.
12:8-9; 2 Ki. 14:9; Jn. 6:37). Historically, a Jewish father considered it
his responsibility before God to train his son in a trade, to teach him the
Law, and to bring him into wedlock. Because he was instructed not to forsake
the instruction of his mother and father (Prov. 1:8; 4:1), a godly young
man never married a wife without the oversight and blessing of his father. And
all unblessed marriages in Scripture resulted in a mixed or disastrous result,
such as Esau, Shechem and Samson.
The mother of the bride or groom is to support, not supplant her husband as
patriarch, giving wise counsel to her husband and children as King Lemuel's
mother did (Gen. 2:18; Prov. 31). But what if the father is physically
absent from the family through death, desertion or divorce? Then the mother
assumes his role of initiating and overseeing the betrothal process, just as
Hagar got a bride for Ishmael (Gen. 21:21). By analogy, if the father is
spiritually absent from the family, the mother may assume his betrothal duties
if he does not disallow it (Acts 16:1; 2 Tim. 1:5; 1 Cor. 7:14).
PURITY. Having summarized the concepts of piety and patriarchy, the
third fundamental principle of scriptural romance is purity, which in the
Scripture means no physical affection or romantic emotions prior to God's
approval. In the choice of a mate, physical attraction clearly must be
secondary to inner character and spiritual maturity. Seek a woman of virtue (Prov.
31:10ff; Ruth. 3:11) and a man of character (Ruth. 2:9,15f). Romantic
touching — holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc. — are appropriate ONLY within
marriage (Gen. 2:25; 26:8; Prov. 5:18f; 6:29; S. of Sol. 4-8; Matt. 1:24f; 2
Cor. 11:2; Heb. 13:4). It is good for a man not to touch a woman (1 Cor.
7:1; Gen. 20:4,6; 34:3; Ruth 2:9; 2 Sam. 11:1ff; etc.). God never intended
any level of limited romantic touching prior to marriage. James describes this
principle of the slippery slope in 1:14: But each one is tempted when he is
carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it
gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death. By
God's design for procreation, one touch leads to the next. Consequently, in
Scripture couples were generally in the company of their families or chaperoned
(Gen. 2:22-24; S. of Sol.1-3 — by the daughters of Jerusalem). And
when not chaperoned, moral disasters occurred, such as Shechem with Dinah,
Samson with Delilah, and David with Bathsheba. Lead me not into temptation, a
plea to the Heavenly Father, should likewise be heard by earthly fathers (Matt.
6:13; 26:41). Make no provision (opportunity) for the flesh in regard to
its lusts, warns the Apostle Paul (Rom.13:14). Aloneness is an
opportunity for the flesh, even the aloneness of a public place away from one's
family. Let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall (1 Cor. 10:12;
cf. Prov. 28:26).
But physical morality isn't all that is included under the purity principle.
God also requires emotional purity in our relationships. Unrestrained romantic
emotions lead to mental impurity, adultery with her in his heart (Matt.
5:28). Consequently, romantic emotions (conveyed through romantic looks,
acts, language and gifts) are appropriate ONLY after the betrothal covenant has
been made (S. of Sol. 1-3). Otherwise, emotional fraud will likely occur
(1 Thess. 4:6). Yet even during the betrothal period, all anticipation
of marital affection is to remain pure and undiscussed between the couple (S.
of Sol. 1:2; 2:6; 3:1), romantic language is to be moral and modest (1:10,15,16),
and strict patience and self-control is to be a mutual commitment (2:7,15;
3:5).
PREPAREDNESS. Preparedness, the fourth fundamental principle of
scriptural romance, is a readiness for marriage both spiritually and
vocationally. For example, before he was married, Adam was prepared both
spiritually (he knew God's law) and vocationally (he knew horticulture) (Gen.
2:15-17). Likewise, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses — in fact, every
godly father — first gave his son adequate training both spiritually and
vocationally (to avoid slavery and debt) before he brought him into wedlock. In
the scriptural examples, if a young man was not leading spiritually before
marriage, there was little hope that he would lead spiritually after marriage.
Similarly, a young man who had not saved up a bride price (three years' wages)
was considered unprepared to support a wife and family. The bride price was a
primary evidence of financial preparedness. Solomon enjoins, Make it ready for
yourself in the field (vocational preparation); afterwards, then, build your
house (family) (Prov. 24:27). The Hebrew concept of house building here
refers to marriage and a family (cf. Prov. 14:1), a matter that must
wait its turn until afterwards, i.e., after vocational preparation. What is
needed is not merely a job (which can easily be lost) but a well-trained,
marketable skill.
A young woman before marriage should be spiritually prepared according to the
pattern of Sarah, Mary and the Proverbs 31 woman (cf. also Tit. 2:3-5; 1
Pet. 3:1-6; 1 Tim. 3:11; 5:10). Vocationally, a young woman must develop
her domestic skills to care for a home and children (Tit. 2:5). But this
is only HALF the preparation. She is to be her husband's helper not only in
fruitfulness but also in dominion (Gen. 1:28). So, the second half of
her vocational preparation is to develop her God-given talents to the level of
their endowment in anticipation of the husband for whom God has fashioned her (Gen.
2:18,22). Talent development in daughters is sometimes downplayed out of
fear of encouraging an attitude of careerism. Yet with proper heart
instruction, it cultivates not careerism but a biblical dominion helper, i.e.,
a wife who will truly strengthen her husband in his chosen life work. And it is
best developed in the context of a family business where a daughter can train
under her father as she will later serve under her husband.
PATIENCE. The fifth fundamental principle of spiritual romance is
patience, an attitude of trusting our sovereign God to accomplish His perfect
plan in His perfect time through imperfect fathers. Isaac, you recall, remained
under his father's authority and roof serving God and family until age forty
when Abraham got him a wife (Gen. 24). And Paul's reference to a
daughter of full age suggests no haste on the part of her father (1 Cor.
7:36f). On the other hand, a man is to rejoice in the wife of [his] youth (Prov.
5:18), not his old age. Thus, a father must be diligent in preparing his
sons and daughters for marriage, then be equally diligent in providing a
suitable, godly spouse. This requires careful praying, searching and
investigating as a priority so that your sons and daughters will not lose
confidence in their father. The rule of thumb is: patience without procrastination.
A son or daughter should focus on actively serving God while maintaining a deep
sleep emotionally until their father presents them with a potential spouse (Gen.
2:21f). They must not arouse or awaken love prematurely through their
impatience (S. of Sol. 2:7). All Christians are called to walk by faith,
not by sight (2 Cor. 5:7). Some young people lower their standards
because they get desperate, afraid they'll be spinsters for life. Yet your
faith must be in a sovereign God who, since the fall of man, has used imperfect
fathers (and mothers) to accomplish His perfect plan for mankind. He can use
your father to bring you a spouse at just the right time — trust Him!
TAKING EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE
As I asked before, let me ask again: Is it possible that we have unwittingly
been deceived by our culture and have departed from God's truth in this matter
of romance, dating and finding a spouse? After carefully examining God's Word,
I hope we are well on the way to understanding our cultural conflict. Paul warned
believers not to be taken captive...according to the elementary principles of
the world (Col. 2:8), but rather to take every thought captive to the
obedience of Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). In the warfare of Christian living,
it's either take captive or be taken captive. There is no neutral ground this
side of heaven. The battle we wage is a clash of ideas, but they are ideas with
very practical ramifications. In our next article on this subject, we will
begin exploring how to put off cultural dating and put on the five fundamental
principles of biblical betrothal, explaining not only the WHY but also the HOW.
These timeless truths will positively transform the relationships within your
family, though the process may challenging. But take heart, for the battle has
already been won, and the booty is yours to claim!
Chapter 2
Dealing With the Dating Dilemma
Much credit for this
article goes to other godly men who have preceded me in their writings on this
subject, such as Paul Jehle, Jim West, Reb Bradley, Jonathan Lindvall and Dr.
S. M. Davis, to name a few. It is with sincere appreciation and recognition
that I build upon their abiding contributions.
A marriage begun through dating is like a house built of cards, it is
structurally weak and vulnerable to the winds of adversity. More than half such
marriages collapse in divorce; those remaining are riddled with stress fractures.
So in our first chapter on this subject, we pointed out the solid foundation of
dating's scriptural alternative, biblical betrothal. Four cornerstones were
carefully laid:
1. The underlying life philosophy (to please Christ vs. self),
2. The relevant passages (significant relationships and concepts),
3. A transcultural interpretation (normative for all time), and
4. The five fundamental principles (piety, patriarchy, purity, preparedness and patience). Now
it's time to erect the superstructure of application, exploring how to put off cultural dating in
order to put on biblical betrothal (cf. Eph. 4:22-24).
But why scrap
dating? Though we already noted the negative fruit of dating (remember the used
chewing gum?), this may still be a recurring question, especially among teens
exposed to the world. It's difficult to dismiss what's familiar. Even some
parents may wonder, is dating really that bad?
Each of us has faced hazardous activities in our lives at one point or another.
Some have served our country on the battlefield. Others have encountered perils
on the job. Still others of us have endured danger due to our own foolish
choices. I'll never forget the risky stunt I chanced as a youth trying to water
ski on my back being pulled by my feet and nearly drowning when I couldn't
release myself from the tow rope. Or my absurd attempt to navigate a
treacherous inlet to the ocean in a tiny rowboat. Or, as a student pilot at age
18, when I stupidly flew a plane in stormy weather and had to dive the plane
through an opening in the clouds at a speed far exceeding its design. Yet the
most dangerous, misguided and ruinous activity that I ever undertook in my life
was DATING!
It is amazing to me how blind we Christians have been regarding the dangers of
dating. Dating is a threat to our physical purity. Dating is a menace to our
emotional happiness. Dating is a liability to our spiritual growth. Yet society
continues to glorify dating on television, in movies, in classrooms, in romance
novels, in magazines and on billboards. And Christians have thoughtlessly
followed the Pied Pipers of our culture.
DATING DEFINED
More recently many godly Christians — especially in the homeschooling movement
— have begun to wake up to the dangers of dating and wisely ask, Is dating
consistent with the principles of scriptural romance? To answer that question,
let's first agree on what we mean by dating. One writer has called dating
simply a social activity between a man and a woman. That sounds pretty tame.
What could possibly be wrong or dangerous about a social activity between a man
and a woman? But that definition is not precise enough in that it would
include, say, a picnic between a girl and her brother. To be more accurate we
must define a date as a temporary romantic relationship focused on current
enjoyment. So a date is temporary rather than permanent, it is romantic (often
only slightly at first) rather than platonic, and it is focused on current
enjoyment rather than future matrimony.
A definition, however, sets forth only the bare essentials. More helpful,
perhaps, is the following chart showing dating's distinguishing characteristics
in contrast to biblical courtship and betrothal. By this fuller description
some Christians may realize that they are actually involved in dating (or a
dating/courtship hybrid) but calling it courtship. A rose by any other name
smells the same — and grows the same painful thorns!
DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS OF DATING AND BETROTHAL
DATING'S HISTORY
Understanding dating's distinguishing characteristics, you may wonder how such
a destructive activity ever developed. And worse, how Christians became so
duped by it. Let's take a moment, then, to briefly review dating's history.
In Scripture, dating was an exception and a violation of God's design for
man-woman relationships. Samson is a sad example of a man with a dating spirit,
reaping its disastrous consequences (Judg. 14-16). Dating became the
norm in Western culture only in the twentieth century, particularly during the
roaring 20s. Secular historian Ellen Rothman in Hand and Hearts — A History of
Courtship has noted,
A first-class revolt against the accepted American order took place among
American youth in the 1920s. This was not a sudden eruption, but rather a
series of seismic tremors that occurred with increasing intensity and frequency
through the 1910s and 1920s. By 1930, the terrain through which young Americans
passed en route to marriage would be almost unrecognizable to their parents.
(p. 289)
In his penetrating book Christian Courtship vs. The Dating Game, Pastor Jim
West concurs, The phenomenon of dating is a relatively new institution in the
United States. Prior to 1920, courtship laws included rigid supervision of the
female. Courtship was not entered upon unless parents were first consulted and
their approval secured (p. 4). Interesting, isn't it, that what's cultural is
not betrothal but dating!
But how did this new cultural practice take root? The attitudes that undergird
modern dating arose out of the eighteenth century philosophical movement called
Romanticism which emphasized making decisions based on emotions rather than on
reason and commitment. This movement influenced not only literature, music, and
art but ultimately relationships as well. In contrast to the biblical mandate
to love the one you marry (Eph. 5:25), the Romantics taught the reverse
— to marry the one you love. Thus they concluded, couples must cultivate
love-feelings for one who was not yet their spouse.
With this flawed philosophical base, several innovations of twentieth-century
culture contributed to dating's moral carnage:
(1) The rise of feminism encouraged young women to leave the loving protection
of their father and, for the first time in history, enter the work force where
they would meet young men.
(2) The Industrial Revolution and World War I drew young men away from the
restraining oversight of parents, church, and community.
(3) Increasing urbanization crowded more people into closer living situations
with inadequate parental supervision.
(4) Co-ed universities permitted young women to live on campuses with young
men, a major historical shift.
(5) The accessibility of the automobile to young people gave uninhibited
freedom from the watchful eye of parents.
(6) The movie theater gave opportunity for Hollywood's romantic expression of
love to influence millions of young viewers.
(7) New dances were no longer group oriented but couple oriented, and couples
romantically danced cheek-to-cheek.
(8) New dress styles were immodest, encouraging lustful dating rather than
loving betrothals.
(9) Most significantly, fathers abdicated their God-ordained responsibility to
teach the biblical practice of betrothal and to safeguard their children in
male-female relationships. With their primary focus on a job outside the home,
they were blindsided by the subtle encroachments of cultural change. And they failed
to ask the question that every father must now address, Does dating fit the
principles of scriptural romance?
COMPARING DATING WITH SCRIPTURE
Think it through as a Berean (Acts 17:11). Compare dating with the five
fundamental principles of scriptural romance: piety, patriarchy, purity,
preparedness and patience. Ask yourself, Does dating foster general piety,
godliness and righteousness in both attitudes and conduct, imitating Christ's
relationship with His bride, the church? Or does dating encourage wrong goals,
wrong motives, and wrong behavior in male-female relationships?
In regard to patriarchy, Does dating fit with a father's physical, moral, and
emotional protection of his child? Or does dating promote the release of a
young person to an unprotected situation? Does dating enable a father to
provide his son or daughter with a godly spouse? Or do dating partners meet on
their own, plan their dates for personal pleasure, and generally avoid parental
oversight?
With respect to purity, Does dating nurture physical morality, treating the
younger women as sisters, in all purity? Or does dating tempt one toward
physical affection through unchaperoned meetings, often at night? Does dating
cultivate emotional purity, preserving all of one's romantic emotions for
his/her spouse (for I betrothed you to one husband — 2 Cor. 11:2)? Or
does dating result in emotional promiscuity, fragmenting the heart with each
dating partner, leaving hurts, bitterness, and insecurity — and preparing young
people for unfaithfulness and divorce?
Concerning preparation, Does dating facilitate a young person's preparation for
marriage, both spiritually and vocationally? Or does dating actually distract a
young person from commitment to God and completion of his or her vocational
training, creating emotional attachments that interrupt God's plan for his or
her life? One pastor has observed, most young people in the dating culture are
nowhere near ready to get married. Mentally, they haven't completed an adequate
education. Spiritually, they haven't developed deep convictions necessary for a
successful marriage. Financially, they haven't become sufficiently stable to
support a new household. Physically and emotionally, they haven't matured in
self-discipline to remain one hundred percent pure.
Finally, pertaining to patience, Does dating promote a patient attitude of
walking by faith and not by sight, trusting in our sovereign God to work
through imperfect fathers to accomplish His perfect plan? Or does dating awaken
prematurely a young person's emotional affections, resulting in hasty,
ill-advised marriages? The answer to each of these questions is obvious and
indisputable to any honest, God-fearing parent or teen.
As I said at the outset, dating is a dangerous threat to our young people's
physical purity, emotional stability, and spiritual growth. This is true
because dating opposes every fundamental principle that God has given us for
scriptural romance. It is a game of Russian Roulette, a pistol to the head with
five of the six cylinders loaded. And knowing that God allows us to reap what
we sow (Gal. 6:7), five out of every six young people are going to be
seriously injured by it. But what if a young person is having a tough time
resisting the desire to date? How might he gain victory over the dating spirit?
VICTORY OVER A DATING SPIRIT
A dating spirit is a desire or yearning to enjoy the romantic appeal, glamour,
and allurement of dating, even though you know in your conscience that it
dishonors God's principles and distracts you from a single-minded devotion to
Christ (1 Cor. 7:32,35). A dating spirit, therefore, may be found in a
young man or a young woman who is committed not to date, but who still allows
his or her heart to become attached emotionally to someone prior to betrothal.
A dating spirit is like lusting rather than committing adultery — it's not as
bad, but it's still very wrong and dangerous.
Dating, even Christian dating, generally results in a series of emotional
attachments or bonds with different dating partners. To express this in the
language of romance, a young woman gives a piece of her heart to a young man
when she becomes emotionally involved with him. By the time she meets the man
she will marry, she will have only a fragment of her heart left to give. Even
without going out on a date, a young woman can give pieces of her heart to
several young men during her youth, so that by the time she marries, she is no
longer a one-man woman (1 Tim. 5:9). Yet Paul's analogy of Christ and
the church in 2 Corinthians 11:2-3 explains that a pure maiden saves her love
for one man only, not just physically but emotionally too. The goal is not just
physical purity but emotional purity — only one romance for life! Every
emotional attachment that a young person saves for his or her spouse is like
another weld in the marriage that bonds them tightly and securely together.
Do you have a dating spirit, a desire for romance before betrothal? See how you
fare in our Quiz for a Dating Spirit. Answer YES or NO to the following
questions (be honest with yourself):
1) Do you desire a relationship for fun and recreation rather than one that
leads to marriage?
2) Do you excitedly look forward to meeting the opposite sex at recreational
events, in the classroom, or at your workplace?
3) Do you desire romantic emotions before you are both ready to marry?
4) Do you desire physical affection in a pre-marital relationship?
5) Do you resent the thought of your father initiating, investigating,
choosing, and overseeing your romantic relationship? Instead, do you want
control, freedom, and privacy in your relationship?
If you answer yes to any of these five questions, then you probably have a
dating spirit, that is, a desire for the appeal, glamour, and allurement of
dating. What can you do about it? How might you keep a blameless conscience
before God? How can you preserve your whole heart for your future spouse? You
must renew your mind (Eph. 4:23) in the way you think about dating, both
spiritually and practically.
SPIRITUALLY RENEWING YOUR MIND
But how exactly do you renew your mind? From a multitude of Bible references we
understand that the terms mind, will, soul, spirit, conscience, and heart all
refer to the inner man in contrast to the outer man (cf. 2 Cor. 4:16).
In brief, your mind/heart is the focus of your mental, emotional, and spiritual
activity. Outward behavior is simply the overflow of what's in the heart. Watch
over your heart, warns Solomon, for from it flow the springs (lit. 'the
outgoings') of life (Prov. 4:23). That's why the Apostle Paul in Romans
12:2 grounded not being conformed to this world (your outward behavior) upon
the renewing of your mind (your inward beliefs and desires).
The writer of Hebrews gives us even greater insight into the mind/heart when he
explains, For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any
two-edged sword,... able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart (Heb.
4:12). Our thoughts, of course, are our beliefs. Our intentions are spoken
of elsewhere in Scripture as our desires, motives, lusts, cravings, passions,
and yearnings. Although there are many ways our desires manifest themselves
(laziness, sensuality, materialism, approval, control, pride, etc.), there are
actually only two fundamental motives that underlie all of our attitudes,
emotions, words, and deeds. Either we will be controlled by a desire to please
Jesus Christ, or we will be controlled by a desire to please self. Christ vs.
self — these are the two conflicting roots which, Paul declares in Galatians 5,
will produce either the fruit of the Spirit (growing out of love for Christ) or
the deeds of the flesh (growing out of love for self).
It is equally enlightening from Romans 1:24-26 that uncurbed desires will cause
us to embrace lies so that we may rationalize those desires — they
(homosexuals) exchanged the truth of God for a lie. Satan, who is the Tempter
of our lusts and the Deceiver of our minds, knows this well and uses this
weakness to gain a foothold in our lives. Consequently many Christian young
people will strive to find some justification to satisfy their hunger for
dating. They are driven by an appetite for romance that is constantly being fed
by Hollywood's movies, television, videos, advertisements, magazines, music,
and romance novels.
Parents, shouldn't