For those unfortunate enough to not have witnessed this classic episode of the hit UK speed-cookery show, here's the lowdown!

The rules are, as ever, the same. Two teams, the Green Peppers and The Red Tomatoes compete against each other in an attempt to see who can cook the fastest dish (they have a 20 minute time limit). Personally, I've always seen this show as being completely absurd in concept (esp as both teams make completely different dishes!) and tonight did nothing to prove me wrong. The makers (and indeed the guests) of this show are stark raving bonkers!

Of course, the reason I'm posting this on RATUCS is because tonight's guest team members are none other than Angela "Fiona Middleton" Griffinand Charles "Jim McDonald, so he is" Lawson. From the first minute they're introduced we can predict the whole show. Angela appears and engages in uninteresting ditzy small-talk with Fern Britton (the rather alluring presenter) and Nick Naims (the Green Peppers team leader) which fails to differentiate from her muppet-like behaviour on Corrie, proving once and for all she is indeed nothing more than a creation of Jim Henson's gone terribly awry.

The story behind which dishes each team makes lies in yet another mad production idea. The celebrity guests are given five pounds in cash and asked to buy some supplies with it which will make up the main part of the dish (eggs, flour, spices, etc are provided on-set). The Muppet has bought lots of things, onions, apples, Yorkshire pudding mix, sausages and mushy peas amongst them, boasting "I'm a Yorkshire lass and I want a Yorkshire meal!"... *snore*

Charles Lawson on the other hand is full of humour and life. Instead of walking onto the stage in the normal way, he bounces his way down the steps (no wheelchair, strangely ;)) and energetically places himself between Fern and Paul Rankin (the Red Tomatoes team leader, who tonight sports a "Culinary Genius" T-shirt... ego? What ego?). In one of the finest ever moments in the history of the programme, they ask him what he's spent his five pounds on and, instead of dragging out the usual eclectic mix of weird and wonderful tidbits, Charles empties out his bag to reveal nothing but a big, red lobster. The audience cracks up as a rather shocked Fern asks him if this is all he got for his fiver, to which the honourable Mr Lawson replies "Aye, cost me £4.99 this did!!" Poor old Paul Rankin is already catching on to the fact that Charles Lawson is *not* here to cook... ;)

The stopwatch is started and we now have 20 minutes to watch our bumbling heroes fart around with the most trivial of kitchen-based activities. Charlie starts making some egg pasta from the ingredients in the studio fridge and cracks the egg with amazingly false gusto, smiling as he stirs it, royally taking the piss out of TV chefs all over the globe. It isn't long before he spies the bottle of red wine and, yup, you guessed it, he dismisses the pasta, pours a glass and downs it!

The Muppet is making a fool out of nobody but herself as she marvels in awe at the modern technologgy that is.... the Potato Peeler. "I've never used one of these before", she witters, "These are really good!" Oh dear... Back on the Red Tomatoes' side, Paul is trying to show Charles how to feed the pasta through the pasta-making-machine. Charles is, again, taking the piss as he massages Paul's shoulders and asks him if he can handle the pace. Paul looks ready to snap and asks in mock-humourous tone why they had to have Charlie on the show. The madness continues as Paul gives Senor L a go with the pasta-maker and sure enough, within five seconds it's broken. "This has been sabotaged!" yells Charles as the machine well and truly jams, seemingly beyond repair.

Fern is probably a bit embarrassed by the antics on show here and heads back to the Green Peppers' camp where Muppet is chopping the onions with a degree of dexterity. "How did you learn that?!" asks Fern, feigning amazement on which we learn that pre-Corrie, Angela Griffin worked in an Italian Deli once upon a time and used to prepare food all the time. This, coming from a girl who only minutes ago told us she'd never used a potato peeler, is somewhat hard to swallow. She then slips into ego-mode and explains how she's been acting since age six. We assume at this point that the BBC edited the original phrase "I've been acting dumb since age six" (Thanks Pat! ;))). All the while she's harping on about her acting, Nick is cutting up caramelised apples (eww!) and frying sausages (what a mix!) ready to throw into the final disgusting feast.

This is all upstaged however from the rantings of a clearly very insane person, namely Charles Lawson, who is screaming about the pasta machine being crap and how, if it had been made in Belfast it wouldn't have broke so easily. By this point, tears are rolling down my cheek. Did I mention already the man is an absolute star? Fern, desperate to put a stop to this, comes over and within a split-second has unjammed the machine. Now comes the high point of the show... In order to fit the machine onto the counter-top, a 6 inch hole has been drilled in the counter right next to it. Sure enough, just as Charlie gets the pasta through the machine, splat, it falls through the hole and lands on the floor. I'm betting money on the fact he did this on purpose! He's gutted, he picks it up, feeds it through again and then *splat* once more, on the floor! Paul is seethingly dicing the lobster trying to ignore the fiasco his teammate is making of the whole affair. He provides some boring trivia about lobster meat and accidentally refers to Charles as Jim (!!!) which is quickly followed by the immmortal line: "If you call me Jim again, I'm gonna slap you round the face!!" delivered with the expected Irish vigour!

Muppet & Nick ramble on about boring rubbish as they stuff Yorkshire puddings with mushy peas, caramelised apples and seriously undercooked sausages. The final insult is when they pour treacle over the whole vile mess. YUCK! And into the oven they go... Err, the puds that is, not (unfortunately) Nick & The Muppet, although that would have made far more entertaining viewing. ;)) (jk!)

Meanwhile, Jim has victoriously finished pressing the pasta and is remarking on what a "sexy pasta" it is. He's stirring some eggs (or some yellowy muck) now and pretending to be a stereotypical TV Cook (not unlike Paul Rankin himself I may add) acting all camp and pretensious. Paul is looking really pissed off by this stage, I should add, as he frantically tries to salvage some kind of dish from the diced lobster and the ill-fated pasta. As Muppet stirs some vile sauce-like concoction, Paul patronises Charlie by explaining how to beat eggs, basically attempting to take over the whole dish in a desperate pitch to win the game. Charlie just stands behind him chin in hand, going "OH YES!" in an ultra-sarcastic way. It's about time someone brought TV Cooks down the level of mere mortals and Charles Lawson is just the man to do it! Paul is at boiling point!!!

Charlie hits the wine again (!!!) as Muppet & Nick unveil their creation, a foul looking lump of Toad In The Hole-esque muck covered in chivey sauce accompanied by the aforementioned stuffed Yorkies laced in treacle. Remind me *never* to accept an invitation for dinner from Ms Griffin (as if she'd ask, after this berating!!)... It's the 10 second countdown! Paul is craving a slab of valium, Charles is downing the wine as if he's... err... well, Jim McDonald, really and Nick & Muppet are hugging each other, proud of their tripe which they call "Northern Soul".

Time's up and it's the taste test. Muppet tastes the "Northern Soul" and makes a serious dent in it, wolfing it down like Mr Creosote from Python's "Meaning Of Life". Predictably she loves it, but then again, considering the audience only have her word to go on for when they judge it, she *would* say she loves it! The lobster/pasta mix on the other side is looking marginally better than expected but is obviously far from gourmet. Paul, bitterly, Christens it "Lawson's Ludicrous Lobster". Charlie tastes it and, once again in a cruel mockery of TV Cookery shows, feigns delight when he obviously is disgusted by it. Paul says something about "The sweet taste really works, surprisingly" after which he is thoroughly blasted off the stage by a sarcastic tirade from Charlie along the lines of "Oh yeah, who'd have ever thought about putting tomato ketchup on seafood? What a great idea!" 

It's voting time and the audience have little cards with green peppers and red tomatoes on them. They wave them in the air and it looks like a 50/50 split to me. However, in the quickest mathematical calculation in the History Of Mankind, Fern deduces that the Green Peppers are the winners. It's obviously a fix!!! Charlie fakes tears as he is presented with a giant wooden spoon prize. The £1000 cheque goes to a Breast Cancer fund, Ms Griffin's chosen cause, all of which charitable kindness makes me realise that there really is a point to this whole  programme. In fact, at the end of it, I sat in front of the box, Stella Artois in hand and thought "You know what? I totally enjoyed that!"

All in all, genuine entertainment albeit thoroughly INSANE! Charles Lawson is an absolute star, I will never say a bad word about him again, so I won't!! (Incidentally, he went the whole show without saying "So it is!")!

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"Revoulution!!! The Red In The Sky Is Ours!
The Red In The Sky Is Ours 'Til The End Of Time!"
- At The Gates ****