Regardless of what system is used to reach marriage there are some phases in common. Whether dating, courting orbetrothing they all have the following stages:

1. First contact - the couple in question first meet.

2. Getting to know one another - whether with intention to pursue marriage or not.

3. Engagement - the decision to marry is made by the couple.

4. Preparation for marriage following engagement.

5. Marriage.

By the way, I should give two working definitions, of engagement and marriage.

Engagement: A contract between a gentleman and a lady agreeing to marry one another.

Marriage: A second contract between the engaged couple (on the one hand) and their community/society (on the other hand) to ratify, recognize and fulfill the engagement contract.

If you asked most people today what marriage is, they would probably say it's an agreement between two people to spend their life together as husband and wife. But notice that is really the definition of engagement. The definitions given above are consistent with the Bible, for example where Joseph wanted to divorce Mary during their betrothal period. Why did he need a formal divorce? Because a formal contract between them already existed! C.S. Lewis has made this same point in his writings. In Lindvall's process Phase III is the beginning of betrothal.

As far as the five steps listed above dating and courtship follow a similar path towards marriage. The differences are in many details, including:

1. During phase II, at some point, formal authorization and oversight (usually parental) occurs prior to, and leading up to, Phase III. This occurs at the beginning of the intent to pursue Phase III.

2. Phase III is formal in courtship and amounts to a contract, while in dating it is not contractual. That is, dating couples that are engaged often break the engagement, while courting couples should treat the question of engagement as essentially deciding the issue of marriage. (Lindvall might dispute this, but I think most courtship advocates would treat engagement as a contract such as I've described. But see below.)

Betrothal, as described in Lindvall's chart and tapes, practically begins at Stage III. Most of the discussion of betrothal in his chart is part of Phase IV. This is important to understand. If you compare the courtship column and the betrothal column in his chart, you'll see that the comparison is of apples to oranges. Courtship as described by most authors spend most of the time discussing Phase II, while betrothal emphasizes Phase IV. The more I studied betrothal material, the more one question became prominent in my mind. That question is central to the whole issue of marriage:

The Question: How does a couple obtain adequate information about one another to be able to confidently agree to engagement/marriage?

This question must be answered regardless of the process used. Whether by communication from G-d, getting to know one another through romantic dating, through supervised courtship activities or a combination thereof, a couple cannot and will not agree to engagement and marriage in the absence of knowledge about their partner.

In dating this knowledge is achieved through romantic, unsupervised dating. The downfall here is that emotional investments in the relationship are made prematurely, causing hurt and a sense of loss if things don't work out.

In courtship this knowledge is obtained through chaperoned courting activities and experience together in family situations. Lindvall, in his chart, accuses courtship practitioners of premature romance and emotional investment during this stage. No doubt this does happen.

Lindvall has a point. Most descriptions of courtship I have seen (West, Jehle, Farris, etc.) do not emphasize the need to avoid romantic involvement prior to engagement. Josh Harris does warn vaguely against premature romantic involvement but his book primarily lays out principles without detailed process instructions.

In Angela Hanson's monograph there is ambiguity on this point. She divides courtship into pre- and post-engagement periods and states that the pre-engagement period only lasts long enough to know if the partner has certain characteristics. However, she goes on to state (referring to the engagement period) "Courting couples consider the other person to be a potential marriage partner. The young man tries to win the young woman's heart so she will agree to marry him." (Emphasis mine) She appears to say that engagement is not a contract and may be broken off if things don't work out. Yet, in contradiction, on her courtship vs. dating chart on p. 10 she says engagement is binding!

Either romance and emotional involvement are necessary to know whether a couple will be happy together, or not. A wealth of experience from the Bible, around the world, and through history testifies that prior romance and emotion (eros love) are not needed for confident engagements and successful marriages. As my world religions teacher in (public) high school said after living in India, "In the U.S. we marry whom we love. In India they love whom they marry." Recent reports indicate that dating is on the rise in India, and among those who date rather than following traditional paths to marriage divorce is as prevalent as in the United States.

This doesn't mean we should only be cold-blooded or analytical in pursuing marriage. The issue is holding the heart in check until it is safe to be released and for full romantic love to develop. Premature release, followed by breaking of the relationship, only causes hurt. Parents should take the lead in guarding the heart of their children and holding the love of their children until the time is ripe. Nor does this mean we are to agree to engagement in a state of ignorance, which brings me to the third system of pursuing marriage, betrothal. Referring to The Question above, the major uncertainty I have regarding betrothal as described by Lindvall is the ambiguity about Phase II of the marriage process. Lindvall appears to advocate that we pray about potential partners whom we already know in the course of ordinary relationships around us.

Actually, in Lindvall's own betrothal there was a period of "courtship" during which he wanted to marry his future wife (Connie) but she had not yet agreed. In this period he took her out on unsupervised dates. While betrothal appears to be superior in handling Phase III and Phase IV, his handling of Phase II was risky compared to courtship. Compounding this was the fact that his future father-in-law abdicated his authority and responsibility and simply let his daughter decide things on her own!

As it turns out Lindvall did succeed in his betrothal but if things had gone awry at this point it is clear defrauding and emotional hurt would have been the result. Reviewing his other materials, it remains very unclear how a potential couple are supposed to get to know one another (answering The Question) and reach the point where they are ready to enter into betrothal. Lindvall, as a single man, was in an environment where he had many potential partners and was in regular working contact with them. Not all of us live in such an environment. Short of a "bolt from the sky" message from G-d, I cannotfathom getting to know a potential partner in my present life and work well enough to consider engagement, without pursuing a special effort to get to know that person better (i.e., courtship). CONCLUSION A major concern raised by Lindvall is the need to avoid emotional defrauding - the hurt that comes from a potential marriage relationship that does not come to fruition. I agree with this concern. With reference to The Question, the issue is this: how can a couple get the information about one another they need to decide their future, with a minimum of hurt if they decide not to proceed to marriage?

The best system will be one that answers the epistemological question (that is, how is the needed information obtained) while minimizing the premature romantic/emotional investments that go into a successful marriage. The system should also include what I call an "extraction procedure" that allows the relationship to be ended with a minimum of hurt to all parties involved.

There is much of value in the writings of both courtship and betrothal authors about preparing oneself for marriage, what to look for in a spouse and the process to marriage. I encourage folks to study both sides extensively. However, I believe each system alone has its' shortfalls. Courtship does not adequately protect against defrauding; betrothal is vague and ambiguous about the initial relationship between the couple.

The answer is to combine the best elements of each system to create a synthesis of courtship and betrothal. Since courtship deals most with Phase II and betrothal with Phase IV, they should be considered sequential in nature. For example, with regards to parental (or other authority figure) involvement in phase II authorization should be required, and in phase IV confirmation should be required, as shown in Lindvall's chart. Not one or the other, but both.

Courtship should be pursued in a manner which precludes romance prior to Phase III and minimizes emotional investment in the relationship prior to engagement. Emotions should be held in check until a contract (engagement) is achieved, making it safe to invest emotionally and romantically in the relationship. One role of the parents would be to help guard against premature emotional expectations about the relationship.

Once engagement is achieved it should proceed according to the principles of betrothal. Physical involvement, ideally, will be held in check until the wedding, as Lindvall's chart describes. The engagement is binding as in a marriage.Emotions are cultivated in a spirit of godly romance between the betrothed couple as passion builds between them. The couple strive to achieve final conditions and preparations for marriage and a family. When the time is ripe and with assent of the parents the couple weds.

And they all live happily ever after. :-)