Cheeseburger
is Paradise
By
(Some time in the future...)
A fist - a female fist; a well-scrubbed, perfectly
suitable fist; but not in any way, shape, or form a fist that dripped sex
appeal from every pore - slammed on the countertop. "What the Hell is going on here, Michael?" The voice was likewise serviceable, but
precisely calibrated as to avoid a mellifluous state.
Michael's left eyebrow raised,
in perfect Lightning-approved fashion. "N.J., I am the Archangel of War,
called Saint, Taxiarch, and Who Is Like
God. I am the patron saint of
"The least that you can do is not swear."
N.J. frowned, twisted her head a bit in obvious
confusion, visibly thought better of it and continued. "...Fine. What the heck
is going on here, Michael?"
The Archangel of War smiled. "Why, we're giving you a partner. Isn't that nice of us?" He extended one hand to indicate the young
girl sitting beside him. "N.J., you
can call her, ah, Tiffany. The name she
was born with will set off alarm bells with too many of the Enemy. Tiffany, this is N.J. You should recognize the name behind the
initials. You'll be working with each
other for the foreseeable future."
"Tiffany" extended a hand. "It really is a pleasure to meet
you. I always enjoyed your..."
"STOP." The word was no less authoritative
for being hissed. "I don't discuss
that. I never will discuss that. The
person who did those things is dead."
Michael frowned.
"Not True, N.J."
"True enough for this conversation..."
"Actually, no."
"...and it doesn't matter, anyway. I don't
need a partner. I'm doing fine on my
own. Unless you're some sort of crack
shot?"
Tiffany shook her head. "I've never fired a gun."
"Kung fu master?"
"I know karate, judo, and about three or four
other Japanese words." Tiffany
laughed a little. "I heard that one
somewhere. Sorry, no."
"Ninja?"
"What a nice
man Yves is! Oops, right, he's an
"Thrown weapons expert?"
"For goodness sake, I'm lucky to get a piece of
paper in the wastepaper basket on the first try."
"Explosives? Big rocks?" There was a certain amount of despair in
N.J.'s voice by now. "Ducks,
even?"
Tiffany blinked.
"Ducks are weapons?"
N.J. blinked in her turn. "So what... do you do,
exactly?"
"Oh. I
talk to people."
"Talk. To people."
"Yes, it's really very sad how most people
don't. Nobody really talks to anybody
any more; they're all too busy listening to themselves, watching television,
tapping away on all those keyboards... I like to talk to people, though. When you read the Bible, you can see how our
Lord... oh. If you don't mind me asking:
are you still a Christian?"
"I... don't think anyone's bothered to ask me
that question since I died."
"Well, if you want to talk about it later, we
can. If you don't, we won't. Anyway, Jesus loved to talk to everybody, no
matter who they were; and it's funny, but it's actually pretty easy, once you
decide that you're just going to do it.
So I talk to people, and then they tell me their problems, and then
maybe I can fix them."
The Saint blinked again. "What kind of Saint of War are you?"
"Saint of War?" Tiffany actually giggled. "No, I serve
that nice Archangel Novalis."
This time, N.J. unambiguously shouted. "Why in the name of the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse am I being
partnered with a Saint of Flowers?!?"
Michael cleared his throat. "Because I said so. Tiffany, can you excuse us for a
second?"
Once the new Saint was ensconced at the countertop
of the diner, the Archangel of War extended his hands. "Yeah, N.J., you're right. You don't need a partner - for what you're
doing. Killing Servitors of the
Media? Piece of cake
for you, these days. Do I look
like I'm giving you an argument on this?
"But do you want to keep doing just that?"
N.J. interrupted.
"Yes!"
"Oy. Well.
I'm not going to tell you 'Tough, you're doing something else now.' I'm going to ask you to do something else now.
You may not need a partner, but she
does - and she's actually in the same boat that you were in. Tiffany's... well, that's not her real
name."
Michael leaned forward and quietly told N.J.
Tiffany's real name. The Saint frowned.
"Who's that?"
"Right, you haven't voluntarily watched
television since 1973. Anyway, let's
just say that she got pretty much the same working-over from Nybbas that you
did, only from another angle. He's also somewhat annoyed right now to
discover that she won't be joining him in Perdition either, the arrogant so-and-so. And Tiffany wants to knock down the Media
just as badly as you do, again, only from another angle. But she just needs somebody to watch her
back."
There was a pause.
"But... Flowers. Why Flowers?"
"Why do you think that I have a choice in
this? The Commander of the Host stopped
by with her in tow to give me a direct order to make sure she was well placed
on Earth to give Nybbas headaches. I'd
think that this was all a joke, except that Laurence doesn't bring humans into
what he calls 'comedy'. So I'm passing
the buck to you, if you'll take it."
The
NJ rolled her eyes.
"Save the 'what,-run-away?'
routine for your angels. Fine, I'll do
it. If only because otherwise you'll
just come up with some sort of convoluted scheme to get me to do what you want
anyway."
"Of course I would. How do you think I got all those titles in
the first place? I'll leave you two to
get acquainted, then." Michael
paused. "One thing: she may be
working for Flowers, but I personally made sure that Tiffany understands that
you serve War. She also understands that
we're not in the demon Redemption business. So don't worry about that, all right?"
"All right." And with that, N.J. moved to join Tiffany at
the counter, assuming - correctly - that Michael was perfectly capable of
seeing himself out.
Tiffany smiled.
"All settled?" N.J.
reluctantly nodded.
"All settled.
You're going to need to learn how to defend yourself, though. We're going to go to some rough places. Starting tonight,
actually."
Tiffany nodded. "Just as long as I get something
to eat first... oh, good, here it is." She beamed at the waitress. "Thank you... Meena,
is it? That's a nice name. Do I want ketchup? Why, you better believe it!" Turning back to N.J., Tiffany said "I
know, I know, we don't really have to eat,
but..." - as she took a bite of her double bacon cheeseburger with extra
onions, mayo, and pickles -
"...you have no idea how long I've been waiting for this."