Sitting in Judgement: Dogma
Scene: Dominique, in her usual seat in Sitting in
Judgement, with Justinian on her lap.
She is currently glaring at the Buddy Christ statue that has been placed
opposite her.
Dominique (muttering): "...do you know what
really bothers me, Justinian? The statue doesn't even look
Semitic."
Justinian: "Mwr."
Dominique: "Truth. Still, I wish that Mr. Smith would learn that you don't
necessarily need to lay on satire with a trowel..."
The kitten looks up at her.
Dominique: "I said 'wish', Justinian, not
'expect'. Ah, there's the signal."
Dominique... well, it's hard to tell if she's smiling,
but there's animation in her voice.
Dominique: "Good evening, and welcome again to Sitting
in Judgement, Heaven's very own movie review show. I'm your host, and I have a very special
message for one of you tonight..."
Dominique suddenly springs from her seat, one hand
extending from her cloak as she points directly into the camera, her kitten
rearing on one shoulder as the power of Heaven manifests around them both.
Dominique: "REPENT, SINNER, FOR THE TIME OF
JUDGEMENT IS UPON YOU! YES, YOU!
WE KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING WITH THAT LILIM, AND YOU STAND UPON THE VERY
ABYSS OF EVERLASTING TORMENT AND LOSS!
PUT DOWN YOUR REMOTE AND SEEK YE THE NEAREST TRIAD FOR CONFESSION AND
PENANCE, LEST YE BE CAST OUT INTO THE OUTER DARKNESS, WHERE THERE IS WEEPING
AND WAILING AND GNASHING OF TEETH!
"DO NOT EVEN THINK OF HIDING THY CRIMES FROM
THE RIGHTEOUS WRATH OF THE ALMIGHTY! WE
HAVE PICTURES!"
Dominique: "Well, now that we've taken care of that
regrettably-necessary piece of business, let's talk about tonight's movie,
shall we?
"We here at Sitting in Judgement should
really have reviewed Dogma at the time it came out, but the controversy
about it was quite heated, so it was decided that we should wait a bit. Well, it's been a bit, so I for one think
that the time is right to try to put this film in context. I'd like to introduce my guest now..."
The curtains part - to reveal Laurence. He gives a cheery wave to the suddenly silent
audience. From offstage comes various
gulps, sounds reminiscent of beverages being summarily expelled from mouths and
at least one hissed 'Crap, it's the MAN!
Put it out, dude, put it out!'"
Dominique: "...who is apparently not
going to be the Archangel of Flowers.
I'll remember this: still, welcome to the show, Commander."
Laurence: "As always, it is a pleasure to be
here, Archangel Dominique."
Dominique: "You'll understand that I'm a bit
surprised to see you. We were expecting
Novalis, you see."
Laurence: "She sends her regrets:
unfortunately, she is currently busy Redeeming several demons who have quite
recently decided to repent of their crimes.
As I was the cause of her added duties, it seemed only meet that I take
her place tonight. Will this be a
difficulty to you?"
Dominique: "Well, we can usually work around
these problems. Hopefully, I'll have
seen whatever movie that you would like to talk about."
Laurence (puzzled): "I beg your pardon?"
Dominique: "I'm sorry, sir; I should have been
clearer. We're used to a certain amount
of ad-libbing on the show, so it shouldn't be a problem to do a last-minute
topic change."
Laurence: "Ah.
I appreciate the courtesy, but it is happily unnecessary. I am prepared to speak of the film scheduled
to be reviewed tonight."
Dominique: "You want to review Dogma."
Laurence: "Why, yes."
Dominique: "This would mean that you have
actually watched Dogma."
Laurence: "Indeed I have. Several times, in fact: Lady Novalis supplied
me with the Special Edition DVD when it became commercially available."
Dominique: "Does that mean that you looked at all
of it, including the special features and deleted scenes?"
Laurence: "Quite thoroughly."
Dominique (brightly): "Excuse me for one
moment." (Sotto voice)
"Bronwen?"
Dominique (whisper): "Does Subject
KS-231705 still have a protective detail assigned to him?"
Brownen: (Mild-what-a-stupid-question look)
Dominique: "Thought so. They're now on Level/6 alert, Condition
Ultraviolet."
Bronwen: (Eyes widen)
Dominique: "Just hope that we don't need to get
him to a safe-house - but make the arrangements with Trade anyway."
(Dominique smoothly turns back to face Laurence)
"Sorry about that. Word business. So, where
were we?"
Laurence: "About to speak about the movie Dogma. It is only fitting that we two be the ones
to do so, as we are the Archangels most concerned with matters touching on the
Christian faith. Indeed, as a Roman
Catholic it is especially important that I voice my response to this...
'movie'. Do you not agree?"
Dominique (carefully): "Your opinion is
especially relevant when it comes to matters touching Catholicism, yes."
(pause)
"So, what did you think of it?"
Laurence (purring): "It would be
discourteous to speak before my host. I
am but the uninvited guest."
Dominique: "Hardly that, Sir Laurence - and you
take precedence as Commander of the Host.
Never let it be said that I usurped your place."
Laurence: "No, I insist. You may give your prepared review
first."
Dominique: "I really do feel that protocol
dictates..."
Laurence: "NO."
(pause)
Dominique (sotto voice muttering): "I
hate it when he does that."
(Laurence leans back into his chair, smiling
slightly.)
Dominique: "Very well...
"My overall reaction Dogma was
positive. So few films being made today
that actually seem to pay attention to matters of faith in anything resembling
a positive manner; superficial details to the contrary, this was one of
them. The director was fairly obviously
trying to make a distinction between true faith and mere adherence to custom,
and I would have to say that he succeeded.
"Naturally, there were severe accuracy issues -
but that wasn't the director's..."
Laurence: "That would be Kevin Smith,
correct?"
(pause)
Dominique: "...yes. As I was saying, the various inaccuracies weren't really Mr.
Smith's fault. After all, he doesn't
actually know about the War, or what angels and demons are really like, so I
think that celestial audiences are going to find this movie hilarious for all
the wrong reasons. Still, I'd recommend
this one - if nothing else, it does a phenomenal job at describing some of the
things going on in the heads of many human American Catholics."
(pause)
Laurence: "I see. Tell me, does this recommendation include approval for the
various blasphemies, crude jokes, toilet humor and general irreverence that
permeates the entire film?"
Dominique: "Approval? No. But was it
appropriate? Well... Dogma was
actually very scrupulous in its targets.
For example, it was savage about some aspects of the Church, but it was
never insulting towards God. The entire
thing is a smorgasbord of various heresies, of course - but underlying them all
was the message that they were nothing besides the Truth of God, His Love and
His Son. It was an honest film, and
that always has an effect on me."
(pause)
Dominique:
"So, I give it a thumbs-up."
(long pause)
"What did you think?"
(An even longer pause)
Laurence: "Well..."
Dominique: "Yes?"
(The longest pause of all)
Laurence: "I found it difficult at times to
believe that Kevin Smith is completely ignorant of the War: Matt Damon's Loki
was an absolutely perfect Malakite.
Discordant, of course, but that made sense: he was obviously an Outcast
Malakite of Divine Fire. And Bartleby? Who were they trying to delude with this
'Grigori' nonsense? Clearly he was a Mercurian of Judgement - albeit one on the
brink of Falling. I cannot really speak
of Alan Rickman's portrayal of Metatron, of course, but it is always a pleasure
to see the actor anyway. The cast was
quite well chosen, all in all, although I am not personally fond of that Carlin
fellow. No matter: his character came
to an appropriate end."
(Dominique ... well, probably blinks. It's hard to tell.)
Dominique: "Ah."
(Laurence leans forward, his face becoming more
animated.)
Laurence: "There were two scenes that
especially drew my attention. First, of
course, was the Mooby boardroom sequence.
If it were not for the fact that Mr. Smith is not listed as a formal
Soldier of God - I checked that, of course - I would almost be of the opinion
that he included that scene to draw in the Malakite audience. It was a classic confrontation between the
Righteous Anger of Heaven and Mortal Evil: my only quibble was, of course, that
we did not actually get to see Loki providing chastisement. I had hoped that it had been provided in the
deleted scenes, but alas... well, no matter.
"But even more interesting was the conversation
between Loki and Bartleby in the garage.
I have seldom seen the evocation of angelic Pride - and it's inevitable
corruption into the Enemy's pernicious doctrines - presented in such a concise,
clear and dramatically appropriate manner.
I would have forgiven much for that one scene alone."
(pause)
Dominique (slowly): "And that's
it?"
Laurence (leaning back): "Actually, no -
but you had already summed up my opinion fairly well, so I see no reason to do
anything except agree."
(Laurence smiles.)
"I do not approve of the foul humor, of
course - such things are neither clever nor courteous. But that is between the director and his
Lord. Still, I trust that I am able to
distinguish between crudity for its own sake and crudity used as a tool to
shake complacent thinking. The Church
is imperfect, as we all know - and because it is imperfect, we must all
be especially careful to not defend it blindly. I regret that some members of the Church-on-Earth chose to picket
this film, rather than watch it with an open mind. I suspect that Mr. Smith deliberately made sure that they would
have much to complain about."
Dominique: "So, you give it a thumbs-up?"
Laurence: "Indeed. In fact, I would like to take this opportunity to formally
announce to my Servitors that they no longer need to hide their copies. It may even become part of my Earth
orientation program."
Dominique: "And on that note, I think that
we're just about out of time here. Tune
in next week, where hopefully we won't have to duck so many explosions of
preconceived notions. Until then,
thanks for watching Sitting In Judgement!"
Lights fade, credits run. The two Archangels look at each other for a moment.
Dominique (faintly sourly): "Message
received, Commander. I will endeavor
not to underestimate your mental flexibility in the future."
Laurence (waving magnanimously): "I have
no fears on that regard, Lady Dominique.
My own apologies for providing the rebuke in public, as it were."
Dominique (short bark of laughter):
"Actually not an issue: nobody actually believes that it's really me doing
the show every week. You would think
that they would: I mean, my Choir-mates can resonate me, and everything."
Laurence: "Ah.
While I have you here... may I ask your opinion?"
Dominique: "But of course."
Laurence: "Excellent. I need some guidance; when the Lady Novalis loaned me this film,
she also provided some other films by the same director. I am trying to decide: should I first watch Chasing
Amy, or Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back?"
(Dominique opens mouth. Laurence gives her his most innocent look. Dominique closes mouth with an audible
click; her eyes almost certainly narrow.
The faintest hint of the grin that makes all the Lilim swoon graces
Laurence's face for a brief instant.)
Dominique: "Nice try."