"So, how was the
Pennsic War, Boss?"
By Maurice Lane
Additional Material by
Jaymiel and Sarah
Blandine: "It was nice. Some people might think that 'living the
Dream' is kind of trite, but I don't.
So many people got their first taste of it this year. It was bloody hot, though."
Christopher:
"The kids were fun to have around, as always. You've got to keep them safe, though: when I wasn't making sure
that they had enough sun block or water, I was mailing a would-be pedophile to
Timbuktu or administering emergency sunstroke remedies. The best part was when we had a Children's
Day: I was on clay table duty, and I got them all to make their favorite kind
of angels. As I always say, 'There's no
such thing as a badly made angel clay sculpture: it's just that sometimes your
favorite kind of angel is a Kyriotate and you just don't know it.' It was bloody hot, though."
David:
"Well, I did not spend as much time on the fields as I would have
liked - I was 'camp mom' again this year - but everyone pulled together most
satisfactorily to keep things running smoothly. It was bloody hot, though."
Dominic: "You think that keeping the Host clean
is hard? Try spending two weeks sorting
out arcane heraldic device submissions.
I spent the entire time at Herald's Point. I can't wait for next year.
It was bloody hot, though."
Eli: "Who needs sleep? Actually, after the last two weeks -
merchant area, classes, list field, fencing field, archery field, thrown
weapons field, cookouts, plays, concerts, bardic circles and general partying -
I do. It was bloody hot,
though."
Gabriel: "It could have been warmer."
Janus: "I hit every single party - and that's
with all the times that I went offsite to get things for the encampment. Great fun, especially when Eli and Jean did
the bardic crawl. It was bloody hot,
though."
Jean: "It was interesting to see how individual
humans manage to find low-technology solutions to their needs: the water system
was particularly intriguing, as well as the latest reproductions of medieval
siege weapons. The ballista that
Jaymiel and I designed worked quite adequately, in my opinion: interested
individuals may see the details on my personal website. My personal musical performances were fairly
adequate, as well. However, the local
temperature was decidedly higher than normal; efficiency was unavoidably
degraded as a result."
Jordi: "Bah.
I spent the entire War communing with the ants; they were better
company. They did quite well for
themselves, even if it was bloody hot."
Khalid: "For the record, I was not the one who
called the police to break up the Hell Party this year. I endorse the suppression, given the
relentless blasphemy, rampant drunkenness, disturbingly loose morality, mocking
diabolism and gratuitous exhibition of low-grade sadomasochistic paraphernalia
that goes on there every year, but it was not I who rectified matters. I was busy going over my notes for the class
I was teaching the next morning on Middle Eastern customs: it had a
satisfactorily large number of participants, despite the heat."
Laurence: "It was necessary that I act as a
marshal for most of the time, but I was able to actually fight in a few battles
this year. That was invigorating -
though I am surprised about how many otherwise sensible and honorable fighters
seemed to think that drinking and wenching half the night would have no effect
on their battlefield prowess. However,
I am hardly their confessor, so any sins of overindulgence, fornication and
inappropriate humor are their own business.
All in all, it was a good War ... but, 'zounds, was it hot."
Litheroy: "Pleasant enough: Dominic wasn't too
intrusive at Herald's Point and the classes weren't too inaccurate. I think that I'll camp with Enchanted Ground
next year, though: nobody in camp even wanted to try living in a completely
period lifestyle for even a few days.
It was bloody hot, too."
Marc: "Oh, I did pretty well; decided not to
merchant this year and just shopped, instead.
Got some decent bargains, too, even if it was bloody hot out. The real trick was getting it all home. Does anybody need a fleet of
18-wheelers?"
Michael: "Made every battle, of course - but
the best bit was when I got Laurence to go to the Men Without Pants party. I didn't tell him what it was all about, of
course. No shit, there we were, and
we're about to go through the line, when Laurence realized that the silhouette
dancers were naked. What? Look, they
had a couple of boxes set up lining the entrance. The front openings were covered with sheets and had lights in the
back; anybody in the box would have their shadows show up on the sheets. They had dancers in the boxes, and they were
naked. It's not that hard to work out,
you know...
"Where was I? Right: Laurence realized that
they were naked, and he would have left right then, except that he had sworn to
follow my lead without question or protest that night and I wasn't going
anywhere except inside the party. So,
he went in. There were a couple of guys
between me and him, and he's kind of short, so I couldn't see him, but that's
OK, because I know what's going to happen.
Sure enough, about forty-five seconds later, I hear him.
"Now, what did he say? Oh, right: 'Madam, you presume far too much
on such short acquaintance."
Laurence had discovered the Grope Line.
"Well, it took forever for me to get in. Somebody told me later that they apparently
rushed in more women for the gauntlet, once they got a good look at El
Commandante - and seeing as somehow nobody told him how to get past it quickly,
he had to just stand there until they were done. I understand that a couple of them even decided to double-check
that Laurence really had no pants on underneath his kilt. After that, well, it was my turn, and you'll
understand that the ladies were really determined to do their jobs by
then. I have to admire their
resolution.
"Well, after I finally got through - one of the
ladies was apparently having problems with her foot, so I let her hold on to my
arm (well, mostly my arm) for a while - and I finally get a drink, I go looking
for Laurence. It was hysterical. He's standing there, eyes looking for a safe
place to rest for a moment, while every woman in the place is slowly but surely
making a beeline for him. Well, not the
poor girl who I'm carrying by now - you have to be very careful about foot
injuries, you understand - but just about everyone else. You know that movie scene where the hero is
suspended above a pool filled with circling sharks? Yeah, just like that.
"By now the girl I'm holding is murmuring about
how she really needed to get back to her own encampment and get some crushed
ice applied - to her foot, you understand - and what could I do but offer her
my further assistance? It would have
been positively unchivalrous to do anything else. So I go over to Laurence, tell him that I'm off to deliver a fair
damsel to her all-female encampment of bored masseuses and suggest that he drop
some cash off at the charity booth and make his own way back home. He was so relieved that he took the fifty
bucks or so that I slipped him and went off like a light. Probably I should have mentioned that it was
a kissing booth, but I was sort of in a hurry.
God, that was a great War.
"What was I wearing to the party? A loincloth and a smile. It was bloody hot this year."
Novalis: "It was nice: there was always
something to do. There was check-in at
the Troll booth, water-bearing at the battles, first aid at Chirugeon's Point,
shepherding around the people for the first time - and, oh, yes, I finally got
authorized for heavy weapons combat.
No, of course I didn't go out and fight with a sword. It's too easy to hurt somebody with one of
those, even when you're being careful.
I authorized just so I could do combat archery: with the bows we use,
everyone's perfectly safe, so it really isn't violent, is it? I had a good time with it: nailed Michael
three times in the head during the Castle Battle. That was fun. It was
bloody hot, though."
Yves: "It was restful. It's always nice to see people making a
deliberate effort to be polite, understanding and chivalrous with each other -
even in the heat that we saw this year."
Zadkiel:
"Between Chirugeon's Point and getting Laurence out of the Men
Without Pants party without him losing more than his sporran, I had my hands
full... Erm. Let me rephrase: I was
quite busy this War. I'm just glad that
we didn't have too many medical emergencies, what with it being so bloody
hot."
Alaemon: "Really, I don't know why everyone
complained about the heat: I was quite cool and refreshed the entire time. No, I'm not going to tell you how."
Andrealphus: "They actually had fighting going
on? I never made it out of the Bog
parties: the main area was just too bloody hot."
Asmodeus: "Ah, SCA politics. Nothing like the kind that we have at home,
but occasionally amusing in a primitive sort of way. It was bloody hot, though."
Baal: "Well, this 'Annual Enemies' thing is
fine, but the 'Eternal Friends' crap has just got to go. They should use live steel, too. The field battles were fun, though - nothing
like baking heat to put some venom into an attack - and so were the parties.
Especially the Men Without Pants party: hey, Laurence, did you ever get your
sporran back?"
Beleth: "Boring, bland and too bloody hot. Do you know that they actually cheer
and applaud looming lightning storms on at that War? Three million years of learned fear
responses down the drain..."
Belial:
"Chilly... but I got to be in charge of the firepit this year. You could see the thermal bloom from ORBIT..."
Fleurity: "Have you ever painted your body in
woad, then sat back and taken a hit of a hookah filled with prime Afghani
hashish with a nitrous oxide cylinder in the mouthpiece? It's so intense that
you almost forget how bloody hot it is."
Furfur: "What, you thought that I'd camp with
the geeks? No way, man: I camp with
House Death-Raven-Fire-Storm-Dark-Black-Wulf-Grim-Blood-Moon every year, 'cuz
they really know how to rock.
None of this Men Without Pants wannabe crap: that's for geeks, losers
and the Archangel of the Sword. Oh, and
yeah, it's never too bloody hot to be Hardcore."
Haagenti: "The last night, the group next to us
poured all of their remaining beer and alcohol into one big garbage can and
dared anyone to have more than a mug. I
drank it all. They want me to camp with
them next year. Maybe if they get off
of the Serengeti: it's bloody hot there."
Kobal: "Aside from the obvious ironies,
Pennsic's a lot of fun for me. There
isn't any item of clothing that I can come up with that's so stupid or
uncomfortable that somebody won't wear it.
I'm especially fond of how popular chain mail bikinis have gotten, even
though that may just be because it was so bloody hot out..."
Kronos: "I didn't get my reservation in on
time. Just as well, as it is a foolish
diversion. Besides, I was informed that
it was bloody hot this year."
Lilith: "Well, personally I looked good -
incidentally, Laurence, I somehow acquired your sporran. Do you Need it back soon? - but ultimately
frustrating. Everyone Needed air
conditioning. How the Hell am I
supposed to find ten thousand air conditioning units in western
Pennsylvania?"
Malphas: "It's restful: we're all supposed to
behave, so I don't do anything ... active ... but I don't have to. I can just sit and watch them all do it to
themselves. It must be the heat, or
something."
Mammon:
"Am I Blood-Sucking Merchant Scum?
Are you kidding? I invented
the phrase. No, really, I did. How did I do this War? Well, you have to understand that it really
was too bloody hot this year to expect too much..."
Nybbas: "They finally got email access at the
War. I pretty much spent all my time
there: it was too bloody hot to do anything else."
Saminga: "I'm telling you, letting fighters
'resurrect' from battles is just bullshit.
If you're dead, you're dead!
Your corpse should swell in the brutal August sun! Ravens should come down and eat out your eyes! You shouldn't be allowed to just get up and
fight again! Wusses."
Valefor: "Stealing from campsites is just too easy. Now, stealing short-term companions is a different story: I got two from David, three from Michael, one from Gabriel and twelve from Laurence, although I'm not sure whether or not he realized that they were gone - or whether they were attached to him in the first place. No, I didn't get his sporran - but I know who did. Oh, yeah, I got three hundred and twenty nine (if you include the full marching band) from Eli, but that wasn't even remotely difficult. Still, a good time - good enough so that I could mostly forget how bloody hot it was this year."
Vapula: "Don't get me started about the War
this year. The marshals must have been
grumpy from the bloody heat, or something, because they wouldn't pass my siege
weapon. I told them, several
times, that Greek Fire projectors were period - I even had documentation! But they kept whining about how it was
unsafe. Unsafe!?! I made sure that it was padded! It was just like the time that they wouldn't
let me bring a Carthaginian War Elephant onto the field, no matter how much
duct tape I used..."