Chairman of the Publishing Committee for the Celestial Cryptozoological Society

By Jaymiel and Maurice (motto: "If it isn't broke, don't fix it." "What, not even a little?" "No, and stop plagiarizing Paranoia." "You never let me have any fun." (Even stare and dread, dead silence.) "Hey, did I ever say that I was a Seraph, angel?")

Corporeal Forces: 4 Strength: 6 Agility: 10

Ethereal Forces: 5 Intelligence: 10 Precision: 10

Celestial Forces: 5 Will: 10 Perception: 10

Word Forces: 8

Vessel: human male/1, Charisma +1 (general), Charisma +2 (Animals), Dog/1

Skills: Dream-Shaping/3, Dodge/6, Emote/6, Fighting/4, Knowledge (Everything That You Ever Wanted To Know About Animals, Everything That You Ever Wanted Somebody Else To Know About Animals, Not To Mention Everything That You'd Be Just As Happy To Never Find Out About Animals, But Are Forced To Admit That It Should At Least Be Written Down Somewhere/6), Move Silently/4, Running/6

Songs: Beasts (All/4), Charm (Celestial/5), Direction (Corporeal/3), Shields (All/2)

Attunements: Malakite of Destiny, Ofanite of Destiny, Seraph of Destiny, Malakite of Animals, Malakite of Divine Fire, Malakite of Dreams, Malakite of Revelations, Vassal of Destiny, Angel of Cryptozoology

Angel of Cryptozoology

Provided that he is dealing with a cryptozoological animal, Steven has a target number of 11 for all Area Knowledge and Survival rolls. Admittedly, he often ignores the latter, but the Attunement can't do anything about that. Steven also doubles the CD of a successful reaction roll involving cryptozoological animals.

Thanks to his job, Steven also enjoys - if that's the right term - a virtually unlimited number of spare vessels.

Vows:

"Suffer no evil to live, if it my choice."

"Never surrender or allow myself to be captured by the forces of Hell."

"Always take the time to teach others about the zoological wonders of the planes."

"Never let the issue of my personal survival take precedence over doing my assigned tasks."

[V/O: Today on Crypto Critters! Steve gets up close and personal with a hungry dinosaur!]

[Roll Crypto Critters opening sequence and theme music]

G’day, mate! Today, we’re in a Valley Lost to Time, looking for some daaaangerous reptiles. Some of these little buggers ‘ave been gettin’ out of the Valley, and are causing trouble for the locals. We’ve got a team workin’ on puttin’ up fences. While we were ‘ere, we thought we’d ‘ave a look around!

Crikey! D’you see that dromaeosaur, over there? Let’s get a closer look!

From the look of his markings, I’d say he’s... oh, he sees me. You’re all right, mate. You’re all...

RAAWK!

S’all right, no ‘arm done. We’ll just wait over here until he goes away... there we go. Let’s have a look at me old vessel, eh? Look at the bite marks he left! Crikey! Tore me throat out, just like that. Wasn’t he fast, though? That, my friends, was a deinonychus, a member of a family of dinosaurs called dromaeosaurs. Lots of folks today are calling them “raptors,” but I’d bet there’s some birds ‘oo’d take exception to that!

[Run ad for next week’s show: Rare Raptors. V/O: Next week! Steve climbs high into the Ural Mountains for an encounter with a bird so large, its chicks eat elephants! It’s “Rare Raptors” on Crypto Creatures!]

Welcome back! We’re here at our secret Antarctic research facility, getting data on an assortment of straaange and unusual creatures. Over ‘ere, we’ve got a Mobile Laundry Pile. Not a pretty sight, eh? But look, if I poke it with this stick... Did you ‘ear that? Disturbance. Ugly as it is, that’s a naturally-occurring Corporeal creature. And we ‘ere at Crypto Creatures are dedicated to preserving such unique specimens, seein’ as ‘ow they’re all a part of God’s world. Sometimes that means keepin’ them away from humanity, like back at the Valley Lost to Time, and sometimes it means educatin’ humanity on ‘ow to get along with these critters.

[Aside: Tom, I poked the Laundry; fix it up, will you?]

Now, over ‘ere we’ve got a ferocious Vampire Chocolate Bunny. Nasty little thing, it is! Look, it tried to bite me through the glass – not too bright. Now I’ll just reach in and grab it... There! Now, if you can see through the green flames, it’s just meltin’ all over the place! See there, it’s runnin’ down me arm. And no disturbance at all! That means the humans didn’t come up with that on their own... they had some ‘elp from Down Below! These critters are bad, and don’t belong here.

Now, of course I knew the Vampire Chocolate Bunny was a blighter before I lit it up. That’s part of the research we do here. Once we’ve identified which of these creatures are not native to the Corporeal, we find the quickest and easiest ways of gettin’ them off of it!

And now it’s time for the Mail Bag!

Dear Steve: You talk an awful lot about the natural relationship between predators and prey. Don’t you think that demons are just another sort of predator, and humans are their prey?

Crikey! ‘Oo wrote this one? Bounce this one Upstairs, will you, Tom? I'm thinking we've been Pranked on the show today. But that doesn't mean I won't answer the question! Now, demons aren’t any sort of natural predator at all. If you don’t believe me, ask one of Archangel Jordi’s pack. They just don’t belong on the Corporeal at all! Here, we’ll try the disturbance test to prove it!

Look at this Djinn! Big one, isn’t he? He’s snarling a bit, there... look, I’ve got his wings. Ratty sorts, aren’t...! He bit me! Bit stroppy there! Hey now, you need to just... settle... down...

See? And not a peep out of the Symphony!

Now you’re wonderin’, “But Steve, angels don’t make disturbance either!” That’s true! We’re not really meant to be down here. But, so long as the Other Side is busy makin’ Vampire Chocolate Bunnies and things like that, it’s down ‘ere that we’ll ‘ave to be. Just keep your touch light! Leave nothing but footprints and take nothing but memories... and any demon scalps you ‘appen to collect!

Till next week!

[Roll theme song and credits]

Editor's Note: On reflection, there's nothing that I can add to this one except the mechanics.

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