The 'captured' ethereal was amused by the tableau,
in a somewhat horrified way.
It wasn't the sight of the last surviving 'ally' of his being shackled and led off by six angels. That was just amusing, period - especially since the Impudite of Nightmares was now wearing the Will-Shackles formerly worn by the ethereal to ensure his 'cooperation'. It wasn't the look of the Cherub of War currently 'standing guard' over him, growing slightly impatient with his 'captive's' confusing reluctance to 'slip his bonds' and 'make his escape'. It wasn't even the appearance of the angels taking the Impudite away: the ethereal had seen lots of weirder things in his time than brown skin and orange hair.
No, what was causing the shocked laughter was the
song.
"Oompa Loompa doompadee do,
I've got a perfect puzzle for you,
Oompa Loompa doompadee dee,
If you are wise you will listen to me.
"A small touch of fear is a good thing
to learn
When dealing with creatures that bite or
burn;
You just aren't nice to be near,
And then we have to stop you.
"Oompa Loompa doompadee dah,
If you aren't scary, you will go far
You will live in happiness too,
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do,
Doompadee do!"
The ethereal leaned over to the Cherub, idly
slipping out of the borrowed handcuffs in the process. "Tell me again," he murmured,
"why this doesn't demonstrate that the Old Guy has finally gone
senile."
The Cherub looked pained, but put a brave face on
the situation (no washing of Heaven's dirty linen in front of the heathen,
after all). "That's nothing. You should see what they look like when they
Fall."
The ethereal shuddered faintly. "I have."
Oompa-Loompas
(The Balancers, The Confusing)
Oompa Loompa doompadee do,
I've got a perfect puzzle for you,
Oompa Loompa doompadee dee,
If you are wise you'll listen to me.
Destiny's tasks are both complex and tough,
And foiling Fate can often be rough;
But it's odd that some angels have
Some trouble trying not to laugh
When seeing Oompa-Loompas.
Oompa Loompa doompadee dah,
If you serve Yves then you will go far,
You will live in happiness too,
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do,
Doompadee do!
Oompa Loompa doompadee do,
I've got a perfect puzzle for you,
Oompa Loompa doompadee dee,
If you are wise you'll listen to me.
This Choir has a flair for making a foe
Get tangled in plans and then suffer woe
While you might think that it's a shame
The Choir won't think they're to blame:
Their targets did it to themselves.
Oompa Loompa doompadee dah,
If you aren't nasty, you will go far,
You will live in happiness too,
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do,
Doompadee do!
(Interruption #1)
"For the Love of God, Edward, take him over now!"
"I'm trying, Francis, but it's like trying to
grab fog!"
"You're a Kyriotate. Act like one. Dammit, he
gave you a higher Will than him. Use
it."
"That's the problem. He gave it to me, remember? One update of the webpage and it's gone. I don't know about you, but I kind of like
staying the way I am."
"We've all got problems, Edward. Mine is trying to explain to Her Nibs just
how something this bad slipped by the checkpoints. I knew that something like this would happen while she was
away..."
"Wait, hold it ... THERE! Got the pain in my multiple
buttocks. We have one controlled
Author."
"Thank the Font of Creation for that. Now, let's see if we can salvage the
situation..."
"Can't we just suppress the entire thing?"
"Has that ever worked with him?"
"Well, no."
"There you go, then. The best we can hope for is to try to mitigate the problem."
"Good luck, Francis. You'll need it."
"Ah, I love votes of confidence."
Err... right.
Ah. Ahem. Anyway...
The... Oompa-Loompa's resonance is for, well,
comeuppance. On a successful resonance
roll, the angel can determine the greatest mental and/or moral Achilles Heel of
their target that is somehow negative in nature. For example, if a target has the Lustful Discord, it will show up
on a successful resonance roll - but if the same target also happens to be
Merciful, it will not register (even if the target has the latter
Discord at a higher level than the former).
If a target has no Discords or Disadvantages that would apply, then the
Oompa-Loompa will instead get a general feel for the negative aspects of the
target's personality.
This is important because the second half of the
Oompa-Loompa resonance is for creating scenarios where said Achilles Heel rises
up and bites the target on the ass...
(Interruption #2)
"Edward, are you sure that you've got
him fully under? That metaphor was
horrifically mixed."
"Tend to your own knitting, Francis."
"Just checking."
Right, an Oompa-Loompa who has successfully
resonated a target can use his or her knowledge of the target's weaknesses to
good effect: all rolls to stymie or thwart the target have a bonus equal to the
check digit, provided that the target's perceived weakness is incorporated
somehow. This bonus lasts for one day,
or until the target is 'defeated' (GM's call), whichever is lesser.
Identical to Yves' Word-dissonance conditions: this
means that Oompa-Loompas of Destiny can rack up two points of dissonance
instead of one if they aren't careful about someone's Fate or Destiny. While they can mostly avoid this by
restricting their attentions to demons, sometimes they can't - and the
unskilled, clumsy or unfortunate can occasionally be in danger of Falling to
(usually) Kronos' service. Their new
name is possibly the only documented evidence that the Prince of Fate has
anything resembling a sense of humor.
You see, he calls them Oogie-Boogies.
(Interruption #3)
"Francis, if you don't call in the heavy
hitters, I will."
"Way ahead of you, old friend."
Sorry, but this is pushing the satire loophole
enough as it is. Those of you who have
seen the movie already know: those who haven't seen Willie Wonka and the
Chocolate Factory, well, go rent it.
Fair warning: there's a very, very ... odd ... subtext to it. Of course, you could try the book,
which isn't disturbing at all, really.
The abilities of the
Oompa-Loompas lend themselves well to unusual special effects: at the GM's
discretion, the eventual comeuppance may be just as cheerfully indifferent to
the Laws of Physics and Good Taste as the situation can handle. This will not cause Disturbance.
Note the use of the word
"Disturbance", not "SAN loss"...
(Interruption #4)
"Uh-oh."
"I don't like hearing
that phrase, Edward."
"Francis..."
"Yes?"
"Hit the dirt."
Oompa Loompa doompadee do,
I've got a perfect puzzle for you,
Oompa Loompa doompadee dee,
If you are wise you'll listen to me.
The Host tries so much to not judge on looks,
But it's kind of hard when it comes to these kooks;
That they exist is kind of a trial:
Do they prove that Yves is senile?
Still, they are effective.
Oompa Loompa doompadee dah,
Just let it go and you will go far,
You will live in happiness too,
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do,
Doompadee do!
(Interruption #5)
"WHAMM!"
"He's out again. Thanks, Ogiel. I hope you didn't hurt him too bad."
"You no be
in-sult-ing, man of big-shiny-pretty-panda-with-wings-of-grey-tape. Ogiel never hurt
man-who-mark-ink-ants-on-soft-bark-and-make-Ogiel-live, even when man...
psy-chot-ic. Just make man see pretty
birds go around his head until he go back to sleep."
(Pause)
"Umm..."
(Rolling of eyes)
"You no fun. I said,
'Don't be insulting, Francis. I
wouldn't hurt my Author, even when he's being particularly insane. Knock him out again, sure.'"
"Look, it isn't me that you have to
translate for. Think about the poor
readers who have to puzzle through the circumlocutions..."
"They like that. Part of shtick."
"Whatever. Edward, do you have him, now, or should I call
in some of the Heresies?"
"Yes, I have him, and
no, you shouldn't. We're
self-referential enough as it is."
"Not even the
kitten?"
"NO. It wasn't even his idea to begin
with..."
Right, where were we? Oh, yes, the Host.
Actually, the above verse
was fairly accurate, once you get past the bad scansion. The Host does find Oompa-Loompas
fairly odd, and there is a slight worry that the Archangel of Destiny
might have been a bit out of touch when he created them. You see, while it's nice to be able to cause
someone to be hoist on their own petard, there is such a thing as
discretion. These angels find
discretion difficult, if not actually impossible. There's also a somewhat disturbing corollary with their antics
and some of the more memorable Pranks of Dark Humor. Needless to say, Dominic takes a somewhat jaundiced view of the
notion that it's OK to emulate Kobal when dealing with bad people...
(Interruption #6)
"Mwr."
"I said, NO KITTEN!"
"Relax, Edward, he's
agreeing with you."
"Oh."
Still, there's no question
that they can be useful - and even entertaining, once you get numb enough - so
there's a few that serve other Archangels.
A look of the ones that
tolerate Oompa-Loompa Servitors is quite... instructive.
Oompa-Loompas serving Yves
add their Ethereal Forces to their resonance rolls. They're the ones that come up with the clever plans...
Even Eli blinked when he
first encountered an Oompa-Loompa, but he recovered fast - and gave them the
ability to cut the Essence and/or Disturbance cost in half when using any of
the Songs of Form.
These angels detect those
who play Cruel jokes on others. They also
add their Corporeal Forces to all rolls to appropriately punish said Cruelty.
"A-hem."
"You have got to be kidding me,
Ogiel."
(pause)
"Well, I guess not. Fine. On your own head be
on it..."
Why Michael tolerates these Servitors ... well,
that's actually not a surprise, is it?
The Archangel of War just loves to have all sorts of weapons,
regardless of whether he actually ever really needs them. His Oompa-Loompas all have the equivalent of
Role/6s when it comes to disturbance resulting from use of their resonance:
yes, this is cumulative.
(Interruption #8)
"Is it over, Francis? Please tell me that it's over."
"Yes, Edward, it's over. You can let him go now."
"He's got one more lyric left in him,
though. I can feel it."
"That's OK.
We were just here to keep him from writing the whole bloody thing out in
song form."
"That's sick."
"No kidding."
Oompa Loompa doompadee do,
I've got a perfect puzzle for you,
Oompa Loompa doompadee dee,
If you are wise you'll listen to me.
Just one more thing, then I swear that I'm done.
While this whole write-up was mostly for fun,
They might just work in someone's game;
If not, then I'll take all blame.
It wouldn't be the first time.
Oompa Loompa doompadee dah,
If you are kooky, you will go far,
You will live in happiness too,
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do,
Doompadee do!