I reviewed this album because I thought it’d be fun. The other day I was browsing some song lyrics and randomly decided to check out 50 Cent’s. The results were hilarious: terrible and unwitty songs about ‘bitchez’ and in between were just uninspired clichés about cars and expensive clothes. Just awful.

This album is shit, I don’t doubt that, but it’s not funny. It’s just boring. In fact it was really painful to listen to; by the end I was just relieved. Here are my thoughts on the songs:

1. Killa Tape (intro)

A black man shouts nonsense and cocks a gun, and then somebody says “G Uniiiiiiit” in the tone we’re probably all familiar with by now. Some of the fantastic lyrics include: “I'm not that nigga that you think you know / I walk around with a big fo-fo”, and “I’m so hard at 19 I bought a Benz, I did.”

Basically this song is about him coming back, although I don’t think he was ever gone because this was his first album. Also people get shot in the hood. He has a car.

2. Rotten Apple

I was hoping that this song would be about how Curtis purchases an apple which is mouldy, so he has to contemplate throwing it away or eating it anyway. It would have been good.

Unfortunately it is a generic gangsta rap song with rhymes like “When we creep wit the heat”. Heard it all before. It has a decent beat though.

3. Drop (skit)

Sixteen seconds I’ll never get back.

4. That’s What’s Up (ft. G-Unit)

One of the better sounding songs on the album, mainly because of the stolen Wu-Tang beat.

Lloyd Banks has a much flow than 50 Cent, and his wordplay borders on the clever: “To me fucking is kinda like racin’ and I always get a head”. Like I said, it borders on clever. 50 Cent can only dream of something so genius. The best he can offer is “I'm a pro, far from a amateur, holdin’ more keys than your fuckin’ janitor”. He tries, bless him.

The other guy on the song is Tony Yayo, whose highlight is either this line: “And, those niggas in the hood don't wanna see me famous / They rather see my moms make funeral arrangements”; or this one: “I got enough rhymes to fill 6 notebooks”.

5. U Not Like Me

“Ask around, I ain't the one you wanna stun on, pa
Pull through, I'll throw a fuckin cocktail at ya' car”

That is an example of the genius that is U Not Like Me. Unfortunately I don’t have this song, so had to read the lyrics online.

“From 3 point range, with a glock, I shoot better then Kobe
See a bitch gettin in my whip, she probably gon' blow me”

I think I missed out

6. 50 Bars

This song kind of came out of nowhere. Just one long verse, no shitty choruses, no gun shot sounds – it’s actually quite good. We’re being told a story, but I’d have to listen to it again to fully understand it. But I’m too lazy so I’ll just have to go without.

7. Life’s on the Line

The chorus repeats things like “Nobody likes me, but that's okay / Cause I don't like y'all anyway”, but the song has a whole isn’t all that bad. The chorus is quite grating though, as they scream “Muuuurder”, but I think this is supposed to be an ironic mockery of Ja Rule and Murder Inc.

8. Get Out of the Club

“I keep it gangsta nigga” “What what” – it’s full of stuff like that; generic, commercial gangsta rap bullshit.

This is a stupid song crying about sluts in clubs who mess him about. What a fucking emo. This is maybe the worst song on the album, and not even in a so-bad-it’s-fun way. Look at this garbage:

“I hate when bitches act like they too good for a nigga (yea)
Like they ain’t grow up in the same hood wit a nigga
In the club givin niggas the wrong numbers and wrong names
Bitch why don't you take ya ass home and quit playin games

9. Be a Gentleman

A while back 50 Cent released a song called “How To Rob” in which he targed a bunch of rappers and told them off, almost in a tongue-in-cheek vain. The stupidity of the mainstream rapper was evident as each of them responded, which as a result turned 50 Cent into the giant that he is today. This is his retort to ‘da haterz’, sarcastically outlining how a rapper should behave. It’s not nearly as witty as it should be, except for the beautiful Christian/church-sounding chorus.

10. Fuck You

I think every rapper has released a song called “Fuck You” at one point or another. 50 Cent’s is the worst so far.

“A few words for any nigga that get hit the fuck up
My advice if you get shot down, is get the fuck up”

Umm is this inspiration for up and coming gangstas? What a fucking tool.

“My wrist icy, keep my ears icy, keep my neck icy
That's why you bitch like me”

Zzzzz this is another pointless song.

11. Too Hot

This song features Nas and Nature and it about nothing.

12. Who You Rep With (ft/ Nas and Brav)

I can’t even be bothered any more. Didn’t we just have this song?

13. Corner Bodega

This isn’t even funny. I thought reviewing a 50 Cent album would be a source of great pompous amusement. It’s just boring. I miss LL Cool J.

14. Ghetto Qu’ran

Yo, this is a story from back in the day – one of those sort of songs. Yaaaaawn. 50 Cent trying to be melancholy is the same as 50 Cent trying to sound upbeat and excited. This monotonous cretin can’t produce any emotion in his voice, he’s a fucking cunt. He tries to sing the chorus, an apology to God, but he can’t sing in tune to save his life. Singing is something that 50 Cent actually manages to do worse than rapping. Imagine that.

15. As The World Turns ft. UGK

I am so bored, this is one of the worst albums I’ve ever listened to

16. Whoo Kid Freestyle

Unfortunately I don’t have Whoo Kid freestyle, but I hear it’s a good one

17. Stretch Armstrong freestyle

“I'm physically fit, nah for real son I'm in shape
I need that Beyonce bitch, to take me out on a date”

“My description in three words, real witty cat
I'm in the club in ATL, I'm where the titties at”

That’s the best 50 Cent can come up with when he’s freestyling – scarily, I think the songs he prepares and rewrites are even worse.

18. Doo Wop Freestyle

Better than most songs because there’s no shitty chorus that mainstream rappers rely on to sell singles. There are no memorable lines though.

Thankfully this forgettable album is over. He’s riding off the success off of his joke song ‘How To Rob’, and pretty much every sentence out of his mouth is about a gun. It’s fucking stupid. I’ve been listening to some really shitty albums lately, but this may well be the shittiest so far.

I can’t wait to review his follow up, ‘Get Rich or Die Tryin’”.

Album rating out of five: *