It's hunting season once again!

I don't need to look at a calendar to say that, because at any given time, heavily-armed and well-protected people are legally entitled to blow some helpless, harmless and probably cute creature off the face of the earth.

Do I sound like I abhor hunting? Sorry — I don't mean to be rude. But picking off animals from a distance with high-powered rifles doesn't strike me as particularly satisfying.

Actually, I enjoy hunting. My game is cockroaches. It's every bit as sporting as fixing a deer in a telescopic sight, and has the advantage of putting the hunter in proximity to his prey. The squishy crunch they make as they perish warms my soul better than the silent, distant fall of a large mammal ever could. What's more, I don't have to make a big deal of preparations — a walk around the block during roach season makes a fine urban hunting expedition.

For weaponry, I recommend the sneaker. Any shoe can be used in roach hunting, but you want to give yourself a smooth stomping surface. Cockroaches are tricky — give them open space in front of a heel, and they'll go for it every time.

For the same reason, smooth-soled shoes are to be preferred over waffle stompers. In fact, the less tread on the sole, the better. You may miss an occasional roach through not being able to run fast enough, but you'll be more than compensated when it comes time to scrape them off and go inside.

The best time to hunt roach is twilight. There's still light enough to see, but the roaches have already started coming out for their nightly orgies. The only drawback is that they use the half-light to hide. If one sees you coming, he'll freeze, hoping you'll mistake him for a leaf or a discolored patch of concrete. A good rule of thumb is — when in doubt, stomp. You can apologize to the stray bits of litter afterward.

Cockroach hunting doesn't offer much in the way of trophies — or food, although this is just a cultural prejudice. On the other hand, they also lack bleeding-heart protectors, so when you're bragging about your prowess you can be sure of not turning anyone's stomach — for the wrong reason, at any rate.

Another thing they lack is a bag limit. Also, I've never heard of a cockroach range being hunted out.

As for the prospect of their becoming extinct — don't make me laugh!