(Originally written for Homenet, a WELS homeschool mail list, in response to queries about contemporary Christian courtship.)

I’m heartened at all the interest in courtship, as well as the recognition that physical purity is only part of the story. Things really begin with emotional and spiritual purity (putting Christ first in a relationship). A Brief History

Christian courtship in its distinctive modern form is really no more than twenty years old. It seems to have had its genesis among the homeschool movement and the vision within that subculture to form a distinctively Christian culture based on biblical principles. I first heard about it in 1995 at a homeschool convention where Kathy Morrissey of Courtship Connection, herself a homeschool mom, gave a talk on the subject.

In 1998 courtship exploded in mainstream Christianity with the publication of I Kissed Dating Goodbye by homeschooled youth Josh Harris. It became a best-seller, to everyone’s surprise. Suddenly everyone was talking courtship. Unfortunately, as with most other ideas that become more popular, understanding of courtship and the key principles behind it weakened as support for it broadened. As a result many people today are talking courtship, but don’t really understand the principles established by the early advocates who really thought things through. I think it’s important that understanding be maintained to keep the benefits of courtship, otherwise it becomes what Victorian romance became: empty ritualized dating.

Moving into 2000, "courtship" has now moved beyond Christian circles and secular establishments are now seeking to capitalize off the movement (again, tending to diffuse and divert the nature of courtship). Valerie Richardson, a Washington Times reporter, recently reported on courtship from a secular perspective. Matchmaking agencies are now springing up for secular "courters." However, in my judgment this courtship as described in the article has little or nothing to do with biblically-informed courtship, as described below.

Likewise, two University of Chicago professors recently released an anthology on historical courtship titled Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar. Although interesting reading for the literati it’s humanist perspective and basis makes it of very limited use for Christian courters IMHO. I’d recommend it for mature, biblically informed readers seeking insights into human nature on this subject, but please understand that it does not teach courtship from a Christian perspective. Why Courtship?

Talking to people today it’s become clear that just about everyone agrees that "raw dating," as I call it, is broken. The only question is how far people want to go in fixing it. The result is that secular and Christian bookstores alike are filled with a range of solutions ranging from what I call "Dating Plus" all the way to arranged marriage.

For me it’s not hard to understand why dating is a failure. No one ever sat down and designed dating as a method to successfully produce sound, healthy marriages, much less simultaneously achieve the many other goals that go with that (purity before marriage, healthy relationships, etc.) Dating is basically what was left once older systems of relating and romancing before marriage had collapsed. It is not so much a system as an absence of any clearly defined system, such that individuals are left to thrash things out on their own, make up rules as they go along, and hope others they meet have a roughly similar set of rules.

This creates an environment ripe for temptation, deception, confusion and exploitation.

Temptation: Without parental roles and authority youth are left to their own strength of will in keeping their hormones in check. I don’t need to list the statistics on what a failure this has been.

Deception: In dating people generally spend their time together going to special, entertaining events while on their best behavior. Although they may not consciously seek to deceive, it’s really built into such a system. The result is that people really don’t get to know what their suitors are like before marriage, leading to the common refrain "he/she’s not the person I married!"

Confusion: Given the ambiguity of rules, roles and boundaries in dating confusion abounds. Is he looking for sex on a first date? Does she just want to be friends? Can we date others while in this relationship? Unless questions like this are explicitly answered confusion and distress often results from one party making the wrong assumption about the others’ intentions.

Exploitation: Don’t need to explain this one either. Whether it’s a date rapist or a woman who’s an emotional vampire or gold digger, dating does not provide resources to protect youth against exploitation.

There are two things that really struck me when I first started learning about courtship. The first is how the designers of modern Christian courtship really tried to base it on biblical principles and make use of what God has to say about relationships and authority in this area of life. The second is how well designed courtship principles are from the standpoint of solving problems like those mentioned above. It really is designed so that if you don’t cut corners and understand the principles, courtship will effectively protect youth and provide great opportunities for mentoring and preparing youth for marriage in ways that don’t exist in dating.

For example, courtship addresses the previous four concerns as follows: Temptation: Courtship provides a more explicit emphasis on character training to resist and flee temptation, and to avoid being in circumstances where temptation can arise in the first place. Moreover courting couples will typically not be alone with one another early in a relationship and will be accountable to their parents or ACs (see below) throughout the process.

Deception: Courters will naturally put their best foot forward, the same as those who date. However, in courtship many different people are able to provide input and insight about the courting couple – parents or ACs, siblings, etc. A parent or brother or sister may see things that you yourself miss. (And after all, we are never so easily deceived – and self-deceived - as when we are infatuated!) Wise parents will find ways to evaluate suitors in ways that get past their initial pretenses, and the family environment that courtship occurs in should provide enough time for people to relax, let down their guard, and let their real self show, for better or worse.

Confusion: Because courtship is a serious endeavor with agreed-upon submission to biblical principles for purity, and for the end of marriage, there is no confusion about the purpose of the relationship. In addition parental/AC authority provides answers to any other questions that arise about the nature and course of the relationship.

Exploitation: The guardian role of the parents/AC greatly increases the odds any attempt at exploitation will be recognized and prevented, or blocked with no opportunity to occur. Moreover, conscious exploiters will tend to go after easier prey.

As you can see, by leveraging the greater experience, wisdom, and objectivity of parents and others in the courtship process many of the pitfalls of dating are reduced or eliminated in courtship. Courtship – Principles Not Rules

The first thing to understand about courtship is that it is a system of principles, not rules. You should seek to understand the principles of courtship and then develop rules based on them that are appropriate to each family situation. Otherwise we run the risk of legalism and generating the same backlash that led to dating earlier in this century. Some people skittish about courtship have already made the charge of legalism, but I believe this charge in unwarranted and their proposals ineffective – see my Response to I Gave Dating a Chance at I Gave Dating a Cance in the Essays section.

For example, a principle of courtship is that youth, especially daughters, should have guardians protect them before marriage (when their husband takes that role). Obviously parents normally fulfill that role. But in broken families and our mobile society today that often can’t work. In this case the principle should be applied by seeking what we call "accountability couples" (or men, if a young lady has a single mom for a parent) as substitutes – an uncle, or older brother, pastor, or older couple at church.

Courtship advocate Doug Wilson has some good thoughts on the proper distinction between principles and rules in his excellent book for parents, Her Hand in Marriage. His article Avoiding Courtship Horror Stories is also helpful here. (See http://www.new-life.net/cortshp3.htm)

Youth, especially ladies, often feel awkward trying to explain courtship to their peers, so I’ve been working on a little project to help them. It will be a little pocket guide with cards (business cards basically) to hand out, that explain the key aspects of courtship. For those of you who want courtship boiled down to a nutshell, here’s the contents of the card: Courtship Principles (front)

Courtship promotes emotional, physical and spiritual purity, maturity, character-building and wise decision-making in relationships.

Prayer always comes first. Seek God’s will in your life.

Young women: Focus on being the right lady, not finding the right man. Foster a loving relationship with your father and guard your heart. Young men: Focus on becoming a godly man, then court when ready. This means a stable job, a home, no heavy debt and the maturity to be a husband and father.

Parents are guardians and mentors. Parents are experienced, aren’t lovestruck and want the best for their children. Courtship Process (back)

Of course, that is only the briefest treatment. Parents have a great responsibility in courtship. One of the headaches of the explosion of interest in courtship is that this revolution is happening from the wrong direction. Rather than adults trying to force their kids to court, we have many young adults and youth who can’t get their parents interested in handling the responsibilities of courtship!

Courtship is more than just a means of avoiding the heartaches and stresses and impurity associated with dating. It’s also a positive opportunity to prepare children for marriage, to mentor suitors, and provide stronger bonds between families.

Ideally even the "failures" of courtship should provide benefits. Not just in terms of friendships between youths without regret, but also in the mentoring that goes on in courtship. A young man has an opportunity to learn and build character with the young ladies’ father, for example, to learn things in areas where his own father is weak.

Courtship is definitely something that should be taught to young children, rather than waiting until their teen years. Although a good positive presentation of courtship will often win them over as teens or young adults (as the popularity of the concept has proven), it’s really best to be training them in courtship principles from the start. Courtship Resources Courtship Connection – http://www.courtshipconnection.com

CC is run by the homeschool family that first introduced me to courtship. They sell a variety of niche materials for those interested in courtship. About a year ago I found their website and soon became the moderator at their message board, which now runs about 30,000 hits/month. The message board is an excellent place for fellowship, questions about courtship, or to send youth with questions about courtship and for encouragement, etc.

The importance of character training in courtship is underscored by the selection of such materials at CC. They also have many books and tapes on courting and marriage. Most of the items I mention below, if not available at CC, can be found at major Christian bookstores or Amazon, etc. Note: The Morrisseys are conservative Baptists, and their selection does tend to reflect that background. Christian Courtship index - http://come.to/courtship

I’ve really only given a very brief introduction to Christian courtship. This index page has links to all kinds of courtship sites and info out on the web, along with information about other materials. The owner of the index page also has written his own introduction and description of courtship that is worth reading. This is a site to bookmark! A Courtship Testimony - http://www.new-life.net/cortshp1.htm

Of course one of the questions about courtship is "are people really getting married doing this??" The answer is yes! Jennie has written a humorous testimony that’s worth reading as an example of courtship. I’ve met (online) or seen reference to many others who have courted and married as well. John Thompson's Courtship Series - http://www.patriarch.com/thompson.html

This six-part (so far) series is the best in-depth explanation and apologetic for courtship based on biblical principles and common sense that I've seen online. Very good reading. I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris

This bestseller, known in many circles simply as IKDG, is what many people associate with courtship. It was written by a homeschooled young man who has since courted and married. IKDG’s strengths: Written by and for youth; gives good principles for youth to resist peer pressure and remain pure; very popular and well known. Weaknesses: Many readers want more detail about how to court, rather than "how to not date." Vague principles not sufficient for someone to knowledgeably court based just on this book. For this reason I sometimes call it "courtship lite." Choosing God’s Best by Dr. Don Raunikar

Dr. Raunikar is a Christian psychologist. His book has proven more attractive with older singles and those seeking more detail in the "how-to’s" of courting. There is a lot of insight from both a biblical and a psychological perspective that make this very good reading. Some may consider this a little *too* proscriptive, but there's no rule that you have to follow it to a "T." Her Hand in Marriage by Pastor Doug Wilson

Mentioned above, this book by a popular Reformed pastor is for parents, and part of a trilogy on marriage. It details parental responsibilities in courtship. This is also an excellent book for those wishing insight into courtship and parents roles in it.

These are my three favorite books on the subject, and taken together they provide three well-written, distinct, yet consistent, views on courtship. I’d suggest youths and parents read all three of them. A fourth item I’ll throw in is a monograph by Angela Hanson, Courtship and Dating: A Biblical Analysis. It’s available at Courtship Connection and has the best information-per-page treatment of the subject. If you only want to spend a few dollars exploring the subject check it out first.

Audio tapes are another good way to be introduced to courtship – I have, and enjoy, the Morrissey’s own tape, and the one by Pastor Coreill (both available at CC). Related Resources

The following aren’t "courtship" resources exactly, but they are consistent and very helpful for those interested in courtship.

Eric and Leslie Ludy are a young couple who have a ministry focusing on purity before marriage. They have three books out now (His Perfect Faithfulness: The Story of Our Courtship is one, another is Romance God’s Way) and a video seminar.

Best Friends for Life by Michael and Judy Phillips is not about courtship per se but does make a valuable point about the need to build a marriage relationship on respect and friendship – not romance.

Pamela’s Prayer is an inspiring Christian film about the power and importance of prayer, and purity before marriage. Everyone will enjoy it, but it makes a special impact on fathers and daughters. A lot of questions that come up in courtship are handled in this film, although courtship is not taught as such.

Finally, a special treat for youth: take some time with your kids sometime and go through The Burning Candle with them (http://members.xoom.com/candleburn/). Check it out and I think you’ll see why I recommend it. :-)